


Maybe I Just Don't Believe

by loganmai



Category: My Chemical Romance
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Anxiety Disorder, Bullying, Divorce, Eating Disorders, High School, Lung Cancer, M/M, Past Suicide Attempt, Sexual Assault, Slow Build, Time Skips
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-18
Updated: 2017-11-24
Packaged: 2019-01-19 00:28:58
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 32
Words: 77,983
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12399375
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/loganmai/pseuds/loganmai
Summary: Mikey is a naive 15 year old kid when he meets Brendon, a guy from the local university.Frank is 33 and newly divorced when he meets Mikey seven years on, and desperately wants to make things better.But Gerard can't help but think that Mikey is doomed to walk in his older brother's footsteps.Note: The title is from Live Forever by Oasis.





	1. Chapter 1

M

Pete grabbed my arm lightly, jerking his head towards the other side of the Starbucks. “College guys!” He hissed excitedly. I rolled my eyes and went back to taking notes. 

“They'll never be interested, Pete. Never.”

“Mm, but the rowing team..” He muttered dreamily, staring at the table full of older, laughing men. 

“Stop staring, it's weird,” I interjected, running a hand through my dirty blond hair in a vain attempt to keep it out of my eyes. “They're all the same age as Gee, anyway.”

“Mhm, your brother is hot too,” Pete smirked, finally turning around. I slapped his arm. 

“Gross, Pete. Gerard would never be interested in you.”

He chuckled and shook his head slightly, taking a sip of his coffee. “Oh, I know. I only said it to wind you up. He's a nice guy.”

I relaxed slightly, glancing over at the other table once more. “Yeah, he is. I'm gonna go stay with him for a few nights this week. Mom’s going off on a trip with some guy she met yesterday and Gerard said he'd make up the spare room for me.”

Pete pulled his textbook towards him, but I knew he wouldn't actually read it. 

“Sweet. Can I come over at some point?”

“No!” I snapped, glaring at him. “I don't want you ogling my brother all night! It's pervy!”

“Dude, I'm 15, I have needs. Anyway, that's not why I wanna come over, it's because Gerard is a wicked cook. Like, better than my mom.”

I rolled my eyes and shook my head slightly. “You're weird, but whatever. I'll ask him, okay? But he seems kind of stressed out at the moment.”

~~~

Gerard opened the door and smiled at me brightly, taking my suitcase from me quickly. “Come on in, Mikes. I've missed you, I'm sorry I've been so busy.”

I slipped into the house, taking a deep breath. I loved the place, and it always smelled different. When our grandmother had passed away two years ago, she'd left the house to Gerard, and it was amazing what he'd done with it. He'd set up his own business and turned the house into an expensive hairdressing and cosmetics salon. He'd built up a reputation very quickly and now had a lot of fairly well-off clients who came in to get their hair and often their makeup done. 

Even I had to admit he was good at his job. 

I walked past the chairs and into the kitchen as Gerard took the suitcase upstairs for me. He always had a jar of mints on the counter, so I took one and popped it into my mouth before wandering around a bit.

“Hey, you hungry?”

I jumped and Gerard chuckled, squeezing my shoulder lightly before walking around me and opening the fridge. “I have some cold pizza or-”

“I'm okay, Gee. I went to Starbucks with Pete.”

He gave me a look and sighed. “Coffee is not the same as food, Mikey. You can do whatever you want for a while, I guess, I've gotta do some accounts and boring shit, and then I have my last client of the day at seven. Help yourself to anything you want, okay? And come find me if you need me..”

I nodded and watched Gerard walk off, feeling a little empty. 

~

I was watching tv about an hour later when there was a knock on the front door. I jumped up, jogging down the hall. “I've got it!” I called, knowing Gerard would be in his office. I unlocked the door and swung it open, blinking. “Uh, hi?”

A very tall man was standing on the doorstep, holding a bouquet of roses. “Hey..I'm here to see Gerard, is he..?”

“I'm Mikey, I'm his brother, he's doing account stuff right now are you a client or..?”

I glanced the man up and down, taking in the long black hair and the throat tattoos. He didn't look like Gerard's usual type of client, as he was neither female nor middle aged. 

He started to laugh, shaking his head slightly. “No, no, I'm his boyfriend..”

I frowned immediately and Gerard was suddenly next to me, gently touching my side. “Sorry, Chris, I was in my office..”

He slipped past me and pulled Chris into a brief kiss. “Missed you, you weren't supposed to come today..”

“Mm, but I thought you'd like a surprise,” Chris mumbled, clearly embarrassed. I shoved my hands into my pockets and walked back into the living room, throwing myself down on the couch again moodily. I heard footsteps a few minutes later, but didn't look up from my phone until Gerard sat down next to me, pushing his hands between his thighs the way he always did when he was nervous. 

“Mikey, I'm sorry I didn't-”

“You didn't even tell me you were  _ gay _ ,” I pointed out quietly, starting to feel a little sick. 

“Mikey, I wanted to tell you, I did. But with Mom...she told me not to. She said that if I told you then I might make you gay too or some bullshit like that. She said she figured I was cause of the business, but that she wanted grandkids and so I shouldn't put ideas in your head.”

I snorted and looked away sharply. “Too late for that..”

Gerard froze for a couple seconds, then reached over and wrapped an arm around my shoulders. “That's okay. You are who you are, Mikey. I love you for you. I was gonna tell you about Chris tonight, but uh...he thought a surprise might be nice, it's just bad timing, right?”

Gerard chuckled awkwardly and I managed a small smile. “Promise?”

“Promise what, Mikes?”

“That you would have told me.”

He kissed the side of my head lightly and squeezed me gently. “Promise. Um. The other thing is, for complete transparency, I hadn't told Chris about you, either. Um. We've only been together a couple weeks and I didn't want him to get all excited about meeting you because I didn't want to explain to him the whole situation with Mom. I'm...I'm sorry, Mikey, it's not that you're not important to me, it's just-”

I shook my head slightly, leaning into Gerard. “No, I understand. I don't really like explaining Mom to people either..”

He relaxed a bit and brushed my hair out of my eyes gently. “You need some new gel, huh? Look, if you're okay with it, Chris would like to stay for dinner, and maybe overnight. Um. But if you want him to go, that's fine too...he’ll understand. He's a really nice guy..”

I hesitated, then shrugged. “I didn't think he'd be your type..”

Gerard laughed and rolled his eyes. “Mhm. You didn't think men were my type though, so..”

“Mhm, but that's a lot of tattoos.”

“True. I kinda like ‘em. And uh...well, for me I'm not really into looks. And I'm not really gay either, I just told Mom that so she’d understand. I'm pansexual, do you know what that is?”

“It’s like when you don't care about gender, right? Like any gender goes,” I mumbled, rubbing the bridge of my nose. 

“That's it, yeah. It's just...I like him for who he is. He's shy in a really cute way, he's tall, he gives really really good hugs, and he likes animals. We just get on really well. And that's really important in a relationship, Mikey. You gotta have fun together.”

I nodded, shifting a bit closer to Gerard. “This is a lot to take in, Gee. I'm..”

“I know, hon, I'm sorry. But uh..he can go upstairs or whatever until this client is done and then um...maybe we could all have dinner together? I think you guys would really get on well.”

I nodded slightly and took a deep breath. “I'll um. I'll go do some homework upstairs, so you guys can hang out a bit.”

“Alright. I love you, you know that, right?”

I yawned and sat up away from Gerard, then nodded slightly. “Mhm. I love you too.”

He ruffled my hair, then gently pushed my back. “Go. Go get it done, yeah? And then you won't have to do any tonight.”

“M’kay.”

~

“Are you fucking kidding me?” Pete screeched. “He's  _ pan _ ?”

I chuckled and pushed my glasses up my nose quickly. “Yeah. Isn't that like...the most hipster sexuality ever?”

Pete giggled and sighed. “Yeah, basically. But it's really cool, too. Patrick is pan, he likes to say that he ‘likes people, not parts.’”

“That's cheesy.”

“Yep. I can't believe he's taken, though, that's a tragedy.”

I snorted and rolled my eyes. “Shut up, Wentz.”

“I know, I know. What's the dude like? Is he nice?”

“Um, I haven't really spoken to him yet. Gerard says he's really nice and like...cute? I guess? But he's a super goth, Pete, he was wearing makeup.”

“And? So do you sometimes.”

“Chris had no eyebrows.”

Pete giggled softly. “That's hilarious. You should throw a makeup wipe at him and see what comes off.”

“I'm sure Gerard would be really happy about that.”

“Mhm. It's nice though, isn't it? I mean, you and him are really close, isn't it nice to see him happy with someone?”

I sighed quietly and nodded, even though Pete couldn't see it. “Yeah...they’ve only been together a couple weeks, though.”

Pete chuckled quietly. “No, Mikey. No. This is the guy Gerard wanted to break your Mom’s commandment for. He wanted to tell you about his sexuality so he could introduce you to Chris. This guy is important to him.” 

“I guess.”

“No, I'm serious.”

“Chris did come over to surprise Gerard and brought him roses..”

“Yeah, see? He's a keeper.”

I rolled my eyes and sighed. “I hope so, I guess. I mean, I haven't talked to him, but Gerard does seem happy. He kissed him and stuff. It was kinda cute.”

“You gotta take some sneaky pictures of them together, I wanna see.”

“I'll try, but um. I've got some more homework to do, I should probably go.”

“Alright. I'll see you tomorrow, Mikey.”

“Yep.”

I hung up and poked at the carpet with my toe, my lips slightly pursed. 

“Mikey?”

I got up quickly, slipping out of my room and jogging down the stairs. Gerard smiled at me, walking me into the kitchen silently. Chris was sitting at the table, and smiled at me brightly as I walked in. I smiled back a bit awkwardly, and Gerard squeezed my shoulder. “I've reheated some pizza for dinner, is that okay? It’s getting late and cooking would have taken ages.”

“Mhm, that's fine,” I mumbled, and Gerard grabbed a large plate full of pizza off the counter, setting it in the middle of the table. He sat down next to Chris and I sat down across from my brother, swallowing hard. 

Chris watched as I took a couple slices off the plate and put them on my own, my fingers trembling ever so slightly. 

“Gerard says you're doing well in school,” Chris said after a couple more seconds of awkward silence. 

I blinked and nodded slightly. “I am at the moment, but I'm only in freshman year. Gerard helps sometimes..”

“That's cool, though, I never did that well in school,” Chris answered quietly, and I tilted my head slightly. 

“So what do you do?”

Chris bit one of his lip rings lightly, glancing at Gerard, who smiled slightly. 

“I'm actually in a band at the moment,” he said finally, cracking a small, shy smile. “It's how Gerard and I met, he came to one of my shows a few months ago and-”

“Hold on, Gerard, you said you'd only been-”

Gerard interrupted me gently. “Chris and I met at one of his shows and then we talked for a while through texts and so on. We've only been officially together for two weeks, we were just friends before that while he was on tour.”

I dropped my shoulders slightly and Chris nodded. 

“I've um. Well, Gerard is my first relationship with a man,” he admitted quietly. “I was really nervous to start with, otherwise we probably would have been dating for a lot longer by now.”

Gerard grinned and reached under the table, seeming to rub Chris's leg lightly. “You wanna get it right, hmm?”

Chris was blushing by then, but smiled and nodded. “Yeah.”

I looked down at my plate, shrugging slightly. “I just wish you'd told me.”

“Mhm, and what if Mom had banned me from seeing you?” Gerard asked gently. “What then?”

“I dunno. It's not like I would have told her.”

Chris cleared his throat quietly. “Mikey, I know you're hurt and I'm really sorry that you had to find out this way, but I've seen how scared Gerard has been for the past couple weeks. He hates hiding stuff from you, but he can't lose you either. Can you...can you understand?”

I sighed and shrugged, poking at my pizza lightly. “I do understand, I'm just hurt. Because I've felt really alone lately. Pete’s the only person who makes me feel normal.” 

Gerard sighed and ran a hand through his hair slowly. “If I'd known that you were feeling that way, I would have told you immediately, Mikey. But I didn't, because you didn't talk to me about it.”

“I know.”

I took a bite of one of my slices to indicate the conversation was over. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's some new stuff for you guys! I'm not sure how long this one will last, but I like it a lot so I thought I'd share it with you. Hope you enjoy!   
> Logan <3


	2. Chapter 2

M

Gerard squeezed my shoulder as he pulled up in the school parking lot. “I'll see you later, okay? We can go to the cinema this evening, without Chris. Some us time, yeah?”

I nodded slightly and he leaned over, kissing the side of my head. “Have a good day, and get home for six.” 

“Okay.”

I got out of the car quickly, waving to him as he pulled away from the curb. Pete was waiting in our usual spot, so I jogged over and bumped his shoulder with mine lightly. “Hey.”

“Hey. How was it?”

“Weird. He is nice, but like...he's in a band, they go on tour and shit. Apparently they've known each other for months..”

Pete nodded, frowning slightly. “Did you get on with him okay, though?”

I sighed and shrugged, looking down at the ground. “I guess. We didn't talk that much. He's really respectful, he doesn't talk down to me or anything like that. And Gerard really did seem happy with him. Apparently Gerard is his first man though...so I dunno if he's bi or gay or whatever.”

“He sounds kinda cool.” 

I nodded and Pete glanced around. “So why are you so down if things are going okay? What's bothering you, Mikey?”

I shrugged again, kicking at a clump of grass that was growing through a crack in the concrete. “I dunno. I guess I'm just lonely. I know it's really selfish, especially after everything...everything that happened with Gerard, but I want him to myself. Besides you, he's the only person I have, my only real family.”

Pete sighed and rubbed the back of my shoulder slowly. “You should come to the art club next week, Mikes, it's-”

“I can't draw, though,” I protested quietly.

“It doesn't matter, it's just a bunch of weird kids hanging out together. Pat goes, Ray goes. Uhm. Bob goes. It's really fun.”

I pouted a bit and shook my head. “I just wanna go to Starbucks with you.”

“Mhm, but that's why you don't have any friends!”

I rolled my eyes, but my chest tightened uncomfortably. “We need to go to class.” 

~

I sat down across from Pete, slapping my textbook down on the table before slouching back in my seat and sipping my coffee. “I'm tired.”

“You're always tired, Mikey Way.”

I looked past him, pulling a face. “Those college guys are back. They're so loud..”

Pete sighed and shook his head slightly. My phone buzzed and I tugged it out of my pocket. 

_ G, 15:49 _

_ Gonna make chili for dinner, that ok? _

I texted back a thumbs up and tucked my phone away again. 

“There's only one that's even remotely cute anyway,” I mumbled, squinting at the group. 

“Yeah, but they're experienced, and you get like...status from dating older guys..”

“If you say so.”

“I do.”

I glanced at Pete and sighed to myself. Pete wasn't exactly experienced, but he'd dated three guys, which was three more than me, and had lost his virginity when he was thirteen. I still had my ‘v-card,’ as he liked to call it. 

“We're both under the age of consent anyway so it's not like any of them would be stupid enough to try,” I pointed out, not sure why I was suddenly paying the group so much more attention than usual. 

“Mhm. You'd be surprised, Mikes.” 

I rolled my eyes, sipping at my coffee. “When do you wanna come over? Tomorrow night?”

“Sure, I guess. I don't have to this time if you're dealing with this whole Chris thing. I get it if you and Gerard need time.”

I shrugged and looked down at the table. “I dunno. I'll ask Gerard, he might say no anyways.”

“Okay.”

~

Pete left before I did, apparently needing to be home for something. I stayed in the Starbucks for a while, doing some of my homework quietly and trying my hardest to ignore the incessantly loud table of older men. 

I was just packing up when I realized someone was standing over me. I looked up and blinked. It was one of the guys from the college table. “Uh. Hi?” I stood up slowly, swinging my backpack over my shoulder. 

“Hey,” he smiled, shoving his hands in his pockets. “I'm Brendon, and I think you're super cute, I see you around here a lot.”

I blinked, shutting my mouth quickly and smiling back as best I could manage. “Oh...I'm Mikey..I um. I gotta catch my bus..”

Brendon smiled again and shook his head, pulling his phone out of his pocket. “Let me uh...let me get your number?”

I took a deep breath, then rattled off my number nervously, my hands shaking slightly in my pockets. I wasn't entirely sure how I felt about this, but it was also the first time any guy had ever really approached me, let alone a college guy. 

Brendon grinned at me and stepped out of my way. “I'll text you, Mikey. Have a good evening..”

I nodded slightly and hurried out of the building, half running to the bus stop. 

~

Gerard handed me the bag of popcorn, tugging out his phone to find the ticket email and grumbling to himself as he scrolled. 

“Gee, you need a work email and a personal email,” I pointed out for possibly the hundredth time. 

“Ah, you know me, Mikes. I'd get them mixed up anyway.”

I sighed and rolled my eyes as he finally found the right email and handed his phone over to the attendant, who scanned the code and told us where to go. 

I followed Gerard into the theater, taking the aisle seat and curling up with the popcorn in my lap. He glanced at me and smiled. “How was your day at school?”

I picked a few pieces out and munched on them, sighing. “It was okay. I don't like school much.” 

“I know. How was Pete?”

“Fine, I think. He's always okay really.”

Gerard nodded and I glanced at the adverts on the screen. “What movie is this?”

“It's a horror, I think it's probably really bad, but I thought it might be fun.”

I shrugged and Gerard reached over, squeezing my shoulder gently. “You okay, Mikes? You look a little down.”

“I dunno,” I mumbled, looking down at my hands. “Kids were saying shit at school today again and it got to me a bit this time.”

“What kind of shit?”

I shrugged and bit my lip lightly. “They joke and say I look anorexic and stuff, and like...laugh at me. Like ‘oh, Mikey Way thinks he's gonna be fat like his brother.’ And sometimes they're like ‘he might be right, he looks heavier today,’ and I dunno. I know it's not really true, but it hurts.”

“How do they know about me in high school anyway?” Gerard asked quietly, frowning at me as he rubbed his thumb over my shoulder. 

I rolled my eyes, still looking down at my lap. “We went to the same school, Gee, they have yearbook archives and stuff.”

Gerard sighed and I looked up at him quickly, smiling slightly. “It's okay, Gee. I know you're not...you're not that kid anymore, right? I'm proud of you, you're...you lost weight, but you didn't get...obsessive about it. Does..does Chris know?”

“Yeah, Mikes, but you're deflecting this onto me. Are they saying anything else at school?”

I winced and nodded slightly, staring at the screen without really watching. “Yeah...there's this one kid who's really bad...a-and he says I should kill myself. He says like ‘one Way started it, the other should finish it.’ His sister was a freshman in your senior year.”

Gerard leaned over, kissing the side of my head before pulling me into a side hug. “Mikey, he's a piece of shit and he's dead wrong, okay?” Gerard said the words firmly, but his voice shook slightly. “What's this kid’s name?” 

“Steven Nguyen.”

Gerard exhaled sharply and then shook his head slightly. “His mom is one of my clients, I'll have a word-”

“Gerard, it'll make it worse, I-”

“No, I won't talk about you too much, I promise. He's been saying offensive shit about me, too, and if he doesn't stop, I'll drop her from my client list.”

I sighed and looked down again, sniffling a tiny bit. Gerard squeezed me lightly before letting go as the lights went down and the movie started. 

 

After about half an hour, I leaned over, rolling Gerard's sweater sleeve up and starting to rub over his scar. He shifted his arm subtly so I could get to it easier, knowing it soothed me for whatever reason. Gerard hated the six inch scars running from his wrists down both arms, but I had always loved to touch them. It reminded me that he was still there. 

I kept running my fingers over the scar for the rest of the movie, feeling each part of the raised tissue and every now and then, pressing on his wrist to feel his heartbeat. 

 

Gerard held my hand in the car on the way home, and I didn't protest. “Y'know, I never wanted you to be hurt.”

I sighed quietly and looked out of my window. “Gerard, I know. It was a long time ago. I was ten.”

“I know, but-”

“You need to stop torturing yourself over this. You understand?”

Gerard shook his head slightly and squeezed my hand. “I'm sorry, Mikey, I just keep thinking about what would have happened if you hadn't come home early with Mom.”

“Well, don't. Cause we did.”

“But-”

I jerked my hand away from his quickly. “No! There's no fucking ‘but,’ Gerard! You  _ need  _ to stop! It's been five years. I'm okay, you're okay, so just stop!”

Gerard gritted his teeth and returned his hand to the steering wheel just as his phone rang through the hands-free on the car. He answered it, glancing at me. 

“Hey, Gerard!” Chris said cheerfully. “I was-”

“I'm in the car,” Gerard said flatly and a little coldly. 

“Oh..” Chris hesitated, then sighed softly. “I...you sound upset, do you want-”

“No.”

There was a pause. 

“Gerard, we talked about this, baby. You can't push me away like this, it's not okay anymore. Is Mikey with you? Can he hear me?”

“Yeah.”

“Mikey, I know you're kinda on the fence about me, and that's fine, but can I come over tonight? I want to talk to Gerard. I know it's your evening and-”

“It's fine, he's not listening to me anyway,” I muttered, folding my arms over my chest. 

“Okay. Where are you?”

“Five minutes from home,” I answered quietly.

“I’ll be there when you get back.” 

~

As soon as we got home, I hurried upstairs to do ‘homework,’ unable to stand being around Gerard for much longer and bracing myself to hear the fight from downstairs. 

Which never came. 

It was completely silent for almost an hour, at which point I heard footsteps on the stairs, and then a quiet knock. 

“Mhm?”

“Hey, Mikey, can I come in?” Chris asked, sounding incredibly tired. 

“Yeah..” 

He opened the door and slipped in, walking over to sit on the bed next to me. “Are you okay?”

I shrugged, looking down at the floor. “I guess. I just hate that Gerard still...he tortures himself over it, all the time.”

Chris nodded slowly. “I know, Mikey, and I hate it too. But he's...he does it because he never thought of the implications before. He didn't think about it and he never realised that it would leave you so alone. And he feels really selfish..”

I shrugged again, sighing quietly. “He was a teenager, though. He didn't...he didn't know any better.”

Chris reached over hesitantly, rubbing my back slowly. “Gerard...he's had a really rough week this week, he-”

“Has he been taking his meds?”

Chris blinked at me and nodded slightly. “Yeah, he's been taking them, he's just….not been feeling so good. And he's really worried about you, Mikes. It's not your fault at all, he's always worried about you, but he's really...he's scared that the bullying is getting worse for you. He knows what that's like.”

I swallowed and nodded slightly. “It's getting worse, but I don't like to tell him. I don't wanna make him worry.”

“Mikes, I think sometimes telling him makes him worry less. Just...don't forget that he loves you so so much, yeah? And...if you ever need to talk, I'm here too. I know you don't know me, but if you needed someone outside of things to talk to without passing it all on to Gerard, I can be that person. If you asked me not to tell him, then I wouldn't...up until like...something that might hurt you or someone else.”

I nodded, wringing my hands slightly as I stared at the carpet. “Thanks, Chris. It's just hard sometimes. I want to tell him things but he's...I don't wanna bother him.”

“You're not bothering him, I promise.”

I nodded slightly and glanced up as the door creaked. Gerard slipped in, smiling at me weakly. He'd been crying, and his hair was all messed up from running his hands through it, but he came and sat on my other side, wrapping an arm around me. “I love you.”

“I love you too,” I mumbled, leaning into him easily. “I need you, Gee.”

“I know. I'm gonna be here more, I promise. But you can tell me anything, Mikes. I'm your brother, we’re supposed to deal with things together.”

I rested my head on his shoulder lightly, sniffling a bit. “I know.”

Gerard glanced at the clock and sighed. “You should get some sleep, it's a school day tomorrow.”


	3. Chapter 3

F

I lit a cigarette as I stood outside on my porch. I didn't feel like going into the house just yet, as I knew I'd probably end up fighting with Julia over something, anything. I blew the smoke out, jumping a bit when my phone buzzed in my pocket. I tugged it out and blinked. 

_ Julia, 15:39 _

_ My husband’s home early! Don't come over. _

I stared at the message for a while, my chest heavy, but numb. I clicked the lock button and sat down on the porch steps. Julia had been taking a lot of ‘sick days’ off work lately. I looked at the shopping bag next to me, filled with tins of her favorite soup and a couple of her favorite movies on DVD. I swiped it off the top step, watching the tins bounce and roll down the steps and onto the grass. 

As I was just stubbing out my second cigarette, I heard the front door open behind me. 

“I should have known this was gonna happen,” I mumbled, lighting another cigarette. “But...texting the wrong number? Are you fucking kidding me?”

Julia didn't say anything, moving to sit down next to me. “I'm sorry, Frank.”

“You fucking should be. I've been-”

“I'm not happy anymore. I don't...I don't love you anymore...and I'm not sure I ever did.”

I couldn't breathe suddenly, the cigarette glowing between my shaking fingers. 

“Frank...I married a musician. I married a man who was gonna be famous one day. That man had ambition and I fell in love with the  _ idea  _ of him. And now I'm married to the man who owns a fucking cake shop. Because he likes to bake. Jesus Christ, Frank, you went from this punk, hard guy whose smile could light up the room to...I mean...a cake shop? Are you gay?”

I flinched at the question, hate stirring in my stomach. “That's really homophobic.”

I took a drag off my cigarette, ignoring Julia staring at me. 

“Fine, but it's not fucking sexy.”

“I'm sorry I'm not enough,” I spat sarcastically. “I'm sorry I'm not famous. I'm sorry you never got the life you wanted, but maybe you should have fucking used that tiny brain of yours to realize you didn't wanna marry me. I am who I've always been, I've never hidden anything from you.” 

Julia sighed and looked down. “You grew up too much, Frank.”

I snorted and rolled my eyes. “Fuck off, Julia. I  _ had _ to because you wouldn't and still won't get a fucking job. I supported you trying to do your art and shit, but it's not gonna happen. I grew up because you wouldn't,  _ and  _ you wanted a house. You wanted me to pay for all your nice dresses and your nice life. I  _ couldn't  _ have what I wanted, so don't tell me it's the reason you don't fucking love me. That's your own fucking fault. Get the fuck out of my house.” 

~

I ordered another scotch and downed it in one go, glancing around the bar. It was a complete dive, but it was the only one within walking distance of the house. There weren't many people there yet, not at five in the afternoon, but I couldn't stand to be at home. Not while Julia was packing. 

Someone sat down next to me and I looked up, blinking. The guy was fairly tall, with long, bright red hair. He grinned at the bartender. “Usual, please.”

He was wearing a black button up and dark skinny jeans, and he was too…pretty for the shitty bar. He ran a hand through his hair, then twirled a lock around his finger absentmindedly, giving me a good view of his hand. 

And the engagement ring. 

It was a nice one, a little feminine, with a diamond in the center and smaller ones set into the band at the sides, but it really suited him somehow. 

He glanced at me and blinked. “You okay? You look sad.”

I stared at him for a couple seconds, shocked that someone had actually talked to me. I never really had conversations in bars, unlike what seemed like the rest of the world. 

I took my wedding ring off and set it down on the bar. “My wife has been cheating on me for over a year. I found out today.”

The man's eyes widened and I gestured to the engagement ring on his hand. “You'd better be sure about that.”

He blinked, then chuckled and nodded slightly. “I am. We've been together for over seven years, but uh. I've been waiting for my brother’s blessing and he's an asshole so..”

I grinned and shook my head. “If he's an asshole, why wait?”

The man looked down, smiling to himself. “I meant it fondly. He's my little brother so he likes to be annoying, but he wanted the best for me. He wanted us to be sure. Were you not sure?”

I snorted, catching the bartender’s attention and waving my empty glass at him. “I was, she wasn't. Apparently I grew up too much.”

“How so?”

The bartender filled up my glass again, then set a glass down in front of the redhead. “Virgin pina colada. No Chris today, Gerard?”

“He's back on tour at the moment,” Gerard answered quietly, and I ran the name over and over in my head. It sounded so interesting, compared to simple, boring Frank.  _Gerard._

“Uh..” I watched the bartender go, then sighed. “I wanted to be a successful musician, she wanted to be an artist. I had to drop music to buy her a house and all the nice things she wanted so she could do nothing but art all day. Apparently owning a cake shop is gay and not very sexy, so yeah.”

Gerard laughed, and I couldn't help but smile at my own adversity. His laugh was infectious, and adorable. 

“Well are you?”

“Am I what?”

“Gay!”

I chuckled and shrugged. “I'm not sure, I think I'm bi, but it's a little weird.”

“I've got time to listen if you give me your name.”

I smiled and bit my lip lightly, hesitating before nodding. “Sure. I uh. It's Frank, and um...Well, I enjoy romantic relationships with women and men, but I only really enjoy sexual relationships with women. I've had sex with men, and that's fine, but I'm not…I’ll do it, but it doesn't...turn me on.”

Gerard smiled, sipping at his drink. “That's fair enough. Y’know, it's not weird. There's so many sexualities out there now, you'll find people like you. Don't sweat it. Do you find men attractive?”

I nodded slightly, downing half the scotch. “Mhm. Just not...sexually. I can think someone is handsome or beautiful or both without wanting to have sex with them.”

Gerard's smile turned a little soft and he nodded. “It's like you just...want to give them things.”

“Yeah.”

“That's really cool. Flaunt it, Frank, you're interesting. Enjoy that. What are you going to do now?”

I blinked at him and shrugged. “I was going to get very drunk for the next few weeks and possibly high, and then cry a lot and eventually sort my life out. I loved her.”

Gerard sighed and nodded slightly. “Maybe forgo some of the drinking part. It's not...it's not good.”

I sighed, looking down at my glass. “I've already had four and a half scotches. That's probably why I'm actually talking to you about my life. I don't generally give my life story to strangers..” I hesitated, then tapped his glass. “Are you recovering?”

Gerard blinked, then nodded slightly and tucked his hair behind his ears. “Yeah. Seven years without a drink.”

“When was the last time you drank?”

He swallowed hard and then smiled at me, the smile not really reaching his eyes. “Since I'm probably never going to see you again, Frank, I'll tell you. But no one else will know. The last time I drank was when my little brother got hurt. Badly. And I could have stopped it, I  _ should _ have stopped it.”

I tilted my head slightly. “Your brother is important to you, huh?”

Gerard nodded, running his finger around the rim of his glass as he stared into it. “Yeah. I basically raised him. Our mother wasn't around much.”

“I'm sorry. But I'm sure he turned out really well, and I'm sure it wasn't your fault.”

Gerard chuckled softly and shook his head. “But you don't know me, you're not my friend.”

“You're the closest thing I have,” I grinned, finishing off my fifth scotch. “So.”

Gerard hesitated, then smiled and pulled his wallet out of his pocket, opening it before tugging out a business card. “Here..” He handed it to me and I glanced it over. 

_ Gerard A. Way  _

_ Hairdresser, Makeup Artist _

 

“My info is on the back.”

I snorted and shook my head. “Hairdressing? Very gay.”

Gerard grinned and rolled his eyes, tucking his wallet away again. “Whatever. If you ever wanna talk, you should make an appointment, and I can fix-” He gestured to my head vaguely, wrinkling his nose. “That.”

I just glared at him playfully and he smiled, gently pushing my shoulder. “You should go home and take a nap. Watch some tv, eat some ice cream. And remember that there's no such thing as a complete waste of time, you didn't waste years on your wife, you can still have what you want, you just have to work a little harder.”

I nodded slightly and smiled at him as I slipped off my stool a little unsteadily. “Thanks, Gerard.”

“No problem.” 

~

When I finally made it back home, the house seemed so empty. Julia had taken everything of hers, and a few things of mine as well. I wandered around for a while, looking at all the empty spaces and remembering what Gerard had said. He had thought I was interesting, worth talking to. He was sure. 

I leaned against the wall in the hallway, staring at nothing. I had made a mistake, such a big mistake. I had been young and stupid, and so had Julia. I couldn't really believe Gerard's words. I  _ had  _ wasted time, I felt it in my stomach. A sticky, heavy mess of discomfort. I had wasted fourteen years of my life, trying to build something special with someone who had never wanted to live in it. 

I slid down the wall, curling up on the floor and glaring at the carpet. Everything hurt. 

Gerard had told me not to drink, and a part of me knew he was right. He knew what he was talking about, he knew the insatiable, dependent part of me because it was a part of him, too. 

But that part of me was getting hungry again, and its voice was much louder than Gerard’s as they both echoed in my head. 

I grabbed at my hair, trembling slightly. Gerard’s calm words were being drowned out by the screams of the petulant addict cowering in the corner of my mind, and I knew what I would do. It wasn't worth fighting anymore. 

I let go. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you liked this introduction to Frank and this new format I'm trying. You can probably guess what the foreshadowing means...it's not overly subtle lol  
> Anyway, let me know what you think! <3


	4. Chapter 4

M

Gerard was shaking me gently, calling my name softly. “Mikes. Mikey, honey..”

I rolled onto my back, blinking at the ceiling as the room span around me. “Gee..” I managed, grabbing at his hand lightly. “I f-feel really dizzy..”

“You slept through your alarm too,” he mumbled, pressing the back of his hand against my forehead. “You don't feel hot, but you look really pale. Um...I’ll call you in sick...I can cancel my appointments today if you like...or Chris has the day off, he could spend it here..”

I shifted onto my side so I could see my brother, swallowing painfully. “M’throat hurts..”

Gerard crouched down, rubbing my shoulder gently. “Alright hon. I'll go call the school and I'll get Chris to bring some soup at lunchtime, okay? And then um...I've got an appointment in half an hour, but I can make you breakfast and get you some medicine. What do you want? Do you feel ill?”

I shook my head slightly and Gerard sighed, brushing my hair out of my face. “I'll make hash browns and eggs, okay? Try and rest, I'll be back up soon.”

~

I fell asleep again shortly after breakfast, lulled by the muffled music from downstairs and the lavender oil Gerard had put on my pillow, but woke again when my phone buzzed next to me a couple hours later. 

I picked it up, blinking the screen into focus as the letters swam a little. 

_ Unknown, 9:37 _

_ Hey handsome. Working hard at school today? xx Brendon _

I stared at the grey bubble for a few seconds, then started to type. 

_ Me, 9:38 _

_ Sick at home today :/  _

I locked my phone and set it aside, taking stock of how I felt. My throat still hurt and it was impossible to breathe through my nose. The dizziness had faded, but my head felt fuzzy and heavy. 

There was a knock on my door and I groaned in answer. 

“Can I come in?”

I grunted and Chris opened the door, poking his head around it. “Hey. Gerard's gonna text you my number, I'm here all day, so you can text me if you want anything, yeah? Do you need anything now?”

I squinted at him. 

“Why are you nice to me? Is it cause of Gerard?”

Chris grinned and nodded. “Yeah, mostly, because I don't know you very well yet. But you seem like a nice kid and everyone deserves someone checking up on them when they're sick. Oh, um. Gerard also said you can move to his room if you want cause of the tv.”

I nodded slightly. “Thanks, Chris. Tell Gerard I said thanks.”

“Will do. Get some rest..”

He closed the door behind him and I sighed, grabbing for my phone again. 

_ Brendon, 9:43  _

_ Aw poor thing. Wanna talk? I'm guessing you don't have much else to do. _

I rolled my eyes and typed a response quickly, taking a deep breath through my mouth. 

_ Me, 9:49 _

_ I'm not sure about that. I'm a little young for you, and I'm not really used to attention. _

I dropped my phone again and laid back, staring at the ceiling. Moving to Gerard’s room sounded like a lot of effort when I could reach my laptop, and thus Netflix, on the desk next to the bed. I was also undecided because rolling over and going to sleep again also seemed like an attractive option. 

My phone buzzed again and I rolled my eyes. 

_ Brendon, 9:51 _

_ You're not too young for me, Mikey. I think you're stunning, and I'm shocked you haven't had more attention. What do you like to do in your spare time? _

~

By the time Chris brought me lunch, I’d been texting back and forth with Brendon for over two hours. He was charming, asking me all about myself and complimenting me occasionally, as well as answering my questions easily. I ate as quickly as I could to get back to the conversation, setting my bowl aside just as Gerard walked in. 

“How’re you feeling, Mikey?”

He walked over and sat down on the edge of the bed, resting a hand on my calf. “You look a little better.”

I nodded slightly, shuffling around to lay back down slowly. “Mhm. I'll probably go downhill again soon..”

Gerard pulled a face and nodded. “Probably. Are you bored? Anything I can do?”

I shook my head, yawning before answering. “Nah. I think I'm gonna try and get some more sleep.”

“Alright, you do that. Um. I have clients until seven again tonight, so Chris is gonna cook dinner. And..we can talk about it more later, but Mom wants you to stay with me for a while longer..”

I blinked, suddenly much more awake. “How much longer?”

Gerard winced, rubbing my chest slowly as he sighed. “A month.”

“What? What the  _ fuck _ ?”

He gently took one of my hands, squeezing it with a sad smile. “Mikey, look on the bright side, hon, you get to spend more time with me, and you can get to know Chris a little better..”

“But all my-”

“We’ll move all of your stuff that you need from the house, it's okay. Don't worry about it now, Mikes. Don't worry...it’ll all work out.”

He tucked his hair behind his ears, then leaned over and kissed my forehead lightly. “I love you, Mikey. I know I say that a lot and it's embarrassing or whatever, but I don't want you to feel like a burden..”

I smiled sadly, feeling a little hurt as I rubbed my eyes shakily. “I know..”

“You want a hug?”

I nodded quickly and Gerard helped me sit up, pulling me into a tight hug, cradling my head against his shoulder as I clung to him. “It's alright, Mikey. I know it hurts, hon, I know.”

Gerard rubbed circles into my back slowly, rocking me ever so slightly. “She doesn't deserve you and I  _ love  _ having you here.”

“What about Chris?” I mumbled against the fabric of Gerard's shirt. 

“He's fine, Mikey. He likes you, really, and he's excited to get to know you better. There's nothing to get anxious about, we’ll make this all work, I promise.”

“I'm sorry that we fight sometimes.”

“I am too, hon. We’ll work on that.” 

~

Gerard tucked another blanket around me as I curled up on the couch, staring at the tv screen. He'd bought a movie for us to watch together, and brought me down to lay on the couch. I felt sleepy and fuzzy still, but I knew that indulging him would make him happy. 

He walked over to the big armchair, sitting down just as Chris walked in, hesitating before sitting down next to Gerard, in the slightly tight space. 

I watched them cuddle up together and smiled to myself as Chris wrapped his arm around my brother. It looked so natural, Gerard's head resting in the crook of Chris's neck and his knees drawn up comfortably. They seemed to fit together perfectly. 

I dug my phone out of my pocket and snapped a quick picture for Pete, then relaxed into the couch cushions, letting my eyes slip closed. 

~~~

Pete plopped down next to me, nearly spilling his coffee everywhere. “You look sick still.”

“Thanks.”

“No but it's cold out today, maybe you should get Gerard to pick you up or something,” he pointed out gently. 

I shrugged and took a sip of my own coffee. “I've got a coat.”

“Still. Anyway, how are things with you? It feels weird not seeing you for like three days.” 

I rolled my eyes and he grinned at me. “Well..I've been talking to one of the college guys who normally comes here...he came over the other day before I got sick and asked for my number..”

Pete stared at me, mouth open slightly. “Seriously? That's really really cool, dude! Which one was it?”

“The one with the reading glasses.”

Pete rolled his eyes and glared at me playfully. “And  _ of course _ you get the cute one, too. That's just Mikey Way all over.”

I chuckled softly and shrugged, tapping the top of my coffee cup. “If you say so. He's been kinda flirty but I'm not sure about it, really. He likes music, though, and a lot of the same movies and stuff as me. It's probably not gonna go any further than friends. Oh, and I got a picture of Chris and Gerard..”

I tugged my phone out quickly, glad it was ridiculously easy to distract Pete. He had the attention span of a golden retriever. 

I opened the picture and handed my phone to him and he shook his head slightly. 

“Fuck, man, that's too cute. I see what you mean about Chris, though. Does he ever take that makeup off?”

“I think he mixes it with superglue.”

Pete grinned and then pouted slightly. “Awh, though, Gerard looks really happy..”

I nodded slightly, reminded of the fact that Pete had been around five years ago when Gerard had attempted. As a ten year old, seeing someone you admired and liked falling apart that way was terrifying, even if Pete hadn't known Gerard that well. We never talked about it, but I knew it had hit Pete hard, and seeing Gerard happy now seemed to make that scar fade a little for him. 

“Here..” I took my phone back carefully, setting it down on the table. “Chris is actually a pretty good singer, too. They were doing a duet yesterday when they thought I was asleep, it was like a fucking Disney movie, I swear.”

Pete snorted and grinned at me, fiddling with the sleeve on his coffee cup. “There's gonna be fuckin’ bluebirds next, watch out.”

“Mhm, I believe it.”

“Oh, and I did look Chris up after you said he was in a band. I don't think you'd like his music much, but it's okay, and pretty popular..”

I nodded slightly and smiled. “They're both talented.” 

Pete nodded slightly, then suddenly giggled, grinning at me as I shot him an uncertain look. “Sorry, I just thought that maybe Gerard should give him a makeover.”

I snorted and shook my head. “No chance. Gerard wouldn't dare try to change him. I think he likes him the way he is, however weird that is.”

Pete sighed, shaking his head in fake sadness. “Y'know I think Gerard is out of his league, I bet he looks like shit under all that makeup.”

I chuckled and shrugged, looking down at the table and fiddling with my fingers as I followed the grain pattern in the wood. “He has a nice smile, it's very...genuine. And he seems like a pretty intelligent guy.”

“Like Brendon?” Pete asked, wriggling his eyebrows at me as I glared in return. “Yes, I noticed your change of subject, MikeyWay. What is he studying?”

“Drama,” I mumbled, heaving a breath. “It's not very academic.”

“Nah, but it's cute.” 

“If you say so,” I sighed, fiddling with my napkin. “I just...I don't really wanna talk about it that much yet. I don't think anything is really gonna happen, so..”

Pete frowned and shook his head slightly. “Mikey, you really don't have enough self esteem. You're a handsome guy, a  _ nice  _ guy, you're talented, and you're funny. You have a lot going for you.”

“So how come no one is ever interested?”

Pete shrugged and bit his lip lightly. “I think most of the guys at school look at you and see Gerard. I think most people in general do. Way isn't that common for a last name...and people can't see past that to you. They think you have baggage and you'd be hard to get along with or something. Maybe Brendon is gonna be a really good break for you, he doesn't know Gerard, he only knows you. Give it a chance, that's all I'm saying.”

I sighed and glanced out of the window. “I dunno, Pete. I guess I'm scared.”

“Look, Mikes, I gotta get home, but remember that you gotta try stuff, yeah? If you don't try, you'll never know.”

I nodded and he got up, picking his backpack up off the floor. “I'll see you tomorrow?”

I nodded again, then shrugged. “I dunno, I still don't feel great.”

“Alright. Text me.”

“Okay.”

I watched Pete go, then looked down at the table again, taking a deep breath. Gerard was busy working today so if I wanted a ride home, I’d have to ask Chris. I pulled out my phone to type the message, but heard footsteps and looked up. 

Brendon was standing over me, smiling slightly. “Mind if I sit down?”

I blushed immediately and nodded quickly. “Sure..”

He pulled out Pete’s chair and sat down, smiling at me. “You feeling better, Mikey?”

I bit my lip and shrugged. “Sort of. I still feel sick, but not as bad, y'know?”

He nodded, pushing his glasses up his nose slightly. “Yeah, I get it. Did you wanna go get ice cream or something, take your mind off it?”

I blinked and took a deep breath. “Brendon, that's a really nice offer, but I don't have any money and-”

“I don't mind paying. But uh...if you don't wanna get ice cream we could go somewhere else.”

“I don't know, Brendon, I-”

“There's this place a few blocks away that does really good pie. You can just walk with me, you don't have to get in my car or anything. I'm not trying to trick you, Mikey. I genuinely think you're cute and I'd like to take you somewhere..”

I gulped, wringing my hands under the table. “Like a date?”

“Yeah, exactly like a date. Come on, Mikey. We had fun texting, right? Come have some pie with me, it'll be nice.”

“Um, it's…” I trailed off, looking out of the window. “Okay, but I'm supposed to be home by five.”

“How far away is that?”

“A ten minute bus ride.”

Brendon grinned and stood up, offering me his hand. “I'll walk you to the stop when you have to go, okay?”

I nodded, taking his hand nervously and following him out of the coffee shop. 

He turned right out of the doors, gently pulling me along with him. I jogged a couple steps to keep up, shivering slightly. Brendon stopped immediately, slipping his coat off and throwing it around my shoulders before I could stop him. 

“Brendon, it's cold and-”

“I'm fine, you're the one who's sick, you shouldn't be getting cold.”

I gave up and just held onto his hand, following him down the street and glancing at all the storefronts. I didn't go this way very often, and it always seemed different every time, whether it was a new sign or a whole new store. 

Brendon stopped suddenly and I nearly crashed into him, giggling nervously as he opened the door for me. I slipped inside, glancing around. It was a fairly dingy looking, tiny diner, but Brendon grinned as he walked in next to me. “I know it doesn't look like much, but trust me. Good pie.”

He guided me to a table, sitting down with me and smiling. “Are you warm enough?”

I nodded slightly and he handed me a menu from the holder at the side. “There ya go.”

“We should share something,” I mumbled, chewing on my lip a little as I glanced over the menu. “I'll eat whatever you get.”

“Alright, Mikey. Do you like apple pie? They do a really good custard here and it's nice and hot.”

I felt the blush rising again and nodded slightly. “Sure, that sounds nice.”

Brendon went to the counter to order and I waited patiently, checking over the bus schedules so I knew when I had to leave. 

I jumped when he sat down across from me again and he chuckled, shaking his head slightly. “Too cute. Your mom’s kinda strict, huh? Back by five and all that.”

I blinked and shook my head slightly, looking down. “I'm living with my brother at the moment, and it's only cause he's making me dinner before he goes out with his boyfriend..”

“Oh. So do you have parents in the picture?” Brendon asked gently, suddenly much more serious. 

I shrugged and lifted my head to stare out of the window. “My mom is around, but not much. My brother...he's my only real family.”

“Oh, I'm sorry, Mikey, that's tough. Is he much older?”

“He's a year older than you,” I mumbled quietly, rubbing the bridge of my nose. Brendon must have realized I didn't want to talk about it, as he changed the subject quickly. 

“Have you been on a lot of dates?”

I chuckled softly and shook my head, looking back at the table. “This is my first one..”

I lifted my gaze to meet Brendon’s shyly and he grinned, offering me his hands. “I'm honored, I would have thought an adorable guy like you would’ve had loads of boyfriends.”

I put my hands in his a little shakily and relaxed slightly as he squeezed my fingers. “No, it never happened..”

“Why not, d’you think?” Brendon pressed softly, tilting his head to the side a few degrees. 

I shrugged, sighing quietly. “My brother went to the same high school as me, he was...a fairly chubby kid, to say the least. And um. He was bullied really really badly. He managed to lose the weight in his junior year, but the bullying didn't really stop...and he tried to...to kill himself just before he graduated. And everyone remembers that, cause it's a stupid, tiny school, and I think...when people talk to me, that's all they're thinking about.”

Brendon squeezed my hands again tightly, shaking his head a little. “I'm so sorry, Mikey, that's really tough. It sounds like he's okay now, though?”

I nodded, smiling slightly shakily. “Yeah, he's doing okay. But now..never mind, you don't wanna hear all my problems, right?”

Brendon chuckled and rubbed his thumbs over my knuckles soothingly as he nodded. “I do, Mikey. I do, I wanna help if I can, you shouldn't have to deal with shit.”

I shrugged and swallowed hard, looking away again. “Kids aren't that nice to me at school. I get called anorexic a lot and they say I'm scared I'm gonna get fat like Gerard, and-”

“Is that true?” Brendon interrupted gently, suddenly seeming very tense. 

I shook my head slightly. “I don't really regulate what I eat, I just exercise more...Gerard...he's like built differently than me, y'know? He's just more prone to gaining weight than I am.”

“Okay. I'm sorry I interrupted, but I have a family member that still struggles sometimes with eating healthily and it...I guess hearing you say it worried me.”

I nodded slightly. “I understand,” I mumbled, though I wasn't sure I did. “It's just...on bad days it really gets to me. I've never been a very happy person in general, and with my family and Gerard's attempt and all that...I dunno. I think I get depressed sometimes.”

Brendon smiled sadly and rubbed my knuckles again. “That's okay, Mikey. That's nothing to be ashamed of. And y'know…if you ever need to talk, you have my number, yeah? I'll always do my best to answer.” 

I glanced up as the waitress came over, letting go of Brendon’s hands quickly. He thanked her as she set the plate down, and handed me a fork quickly. “There ya go. Have as much as you want, yeah?” 

I nodded slightly, waiting shyly for him to start.  

~

By the time we'd finished eating, it was time for me to catch the bus, so he walked me to the stop, rubbing my back slowly. “I'd like to see you again soon, Mikey...this was really fun,” he murmured, wrapping an arm around my waist as I shivered a bit. “When you feel better, y'know?” 

I nodded slightly, letting him rub my side as I leaned into him. “Yeah, I'll um. Keep texting you and stuff.”

The bus pulled up and I tried to hand Brendon his coat, but grabbed my arm gently and pulled me close again, pressing a quick kiss to my cheek before letting go and taking the coat. I stared at him briefly and he grinned, giving me a light push. “You're gonna miss it, Mikey, go on..”

I whipped around and ran up the bus steps with my face bright red, scanning my card frantically before racing to a seat and throwing myself down shakily. I watched Brendon out of the window as the bus pulled away, blushing even darker when he waved and forcing myself to give a tiny wave back. 

I tugged out my phone, texting Gerard to tell him I was on the bus home, and sending a message to Pete to tell him what had happened with Brendon. 

~

I unlocked the front door, pushing it open slowly. “Gee?” 

I slipped inside, kicking my shoes off and hanging my coat up. “Gee?”

I wandered into the kitchen and he looked up from his spot crouching on the floor. “Be careful, Mikes..”

He was sweeping the remains of a mug into a dustpan, and his eyes were a little red. I crouched down next to him, wordlessly tossing a large piece into the pan. It was his favorite mug. 

“Gee...you okay?”

He sniffed a bit and shrugged. “I d-don’t really know..”

I gently took the pan from him, finishing cleaning up and tossing the shards in the bin. I glanced back at him and sighed, gently pulling him to his feet and into a hug. “What happened?”

“Chris and I h-had a fight,” Gerard mumbled, trying to push me away. “It's okay, Mikey, I'm okay, you shouldn't be-”

“I don't care, you're my brother,” I interrupted quietly. “What were you fighting about?”

I let go of him, allowing him to take a step back, but keeping my hands on his forearms so he couldn't go too far. 

“I d-don't really know...it was...he's still...he says he's gay, but...sometimes he's not, he's not there yet, y'know? And I get impatient and I lose my temper..”

I winced and squeezed Gerard's wrists as he looked down, trembling. He was close to crying again, his eyes wet and slightly vacant. 

“Gerard, where is he?”

He sniffed a bit and shivered, dragging his gaze up to mine despairingly. “Upstairs...I've...I've probably ruined everything..”

I rolled my eyes and sighed, tucking Gerard's hair behind his ears. “Make yourself a coffee and go sit down, Gee. Calm down, yeah? I'll go see if he's okay.”

 

I knocked on the bathroom door, my hands shaking slightly. I wasn't generally good at mediating fights, but I hated seeing Gerard like this, and I had to do something. 

“Chris? Um. Can I talk to you?”

I heard the rustle of clothing and he unlocked the door, swinging it open. He'd clearly been crying, and he'd taken all of his eye makeup off, which was slightly odd. I blinked, trying to get my mind focused again. “Um. Gerard's really upset, can we talk? I wanna...I dunno. He didn't tell me much about what happened.” 

Chris nodded slightly, slipping out of the bathroom and following me towards my bedroom. I sat down on the bed and he took my desk chair, folding his hands in his lap as he stared at the carpet. 

“So um. Can you tell me what happened?” I asked quietly, my hands shaking. My body felt heavy and hot, my arms tingling as I tried to figure out where to put them, how to sit, where to look. 

“He's been on edge today and I guess...I don't really know how it started, we were kissing and touching and it was...it was fine and then Gerard tried to...get more intimate, I guess, and I pushed him away. I'm just not...I need my time, to get used to this and it's not because I don't like him...he's...everything to me, but..” Chris sighed loudly. “He asked me why and I tried to explain, but he kind of cut me off before I could say that it wasn't his fault, y'know? Um. He was asking if I found him beautiful and all this stuff and I couldn't...I couldn't say it and he got really angry and threw the mug and I kind of...I shouted at him and ran away, I guess.”

I sighed and rubbed the bridge of my nose, looking down. “Okay. Okay. Well, Gerard is a toddler, that's the first thing to take away from this..”

Chris smiled slightly and I rolled my eyes. 

“Um. I mean, he's told you about his weight problems and all that, and I think you have to keep that in mind sometimes. Cause..” I looked down, taking a deep breath. “Cause when people tell you you're too fat or too skinny or too ugly or whatever, it makes you feel...unlovable. Like no one will ever want you, and I think that's how Gerard feels sometimes. And...he's needy because of that,” I mumbled, starting to feel oddly uncomfortable as I went on. “He needs people to tell him he's...he’s handsome and beautiful and sexy and all that shit, y'know? Sometimes I think that's hard for people to remember.”

Chris sighed and ran a hand through his hair slowly. “I understand, it's just. It's hard for me and I know Gerard's been...through some difficult relationships, he’ll probably be angry if I tell you, but um. I try to keep it all in mind but I end up juggling too many things trying to be the best boyfriend I can.”

I relaxed a bit and smiled, shrugging one shoulder. “Just be you. You seem like a nice guy and Gerard likes you. Be who you are, not what you think Gerard needs, because if you're not right for him, no amount of pretending will hide that.” 

Chris blinked at me and shook his head slightly. “You're way too smart, Mikey. For a fifteen year old.”

I smiled a little wider and looked down, kicking my feet slightly. “I read a lot, I watch people a lot. It all adds up.”

~

I stayed upstairs for a while, finishing the homework Pete had brought me. About half an hour after Chris had gone down to talk to Gerard, my phone rang and I glanced at the screen.  _ Brendon.  _ I picked it up, swallowing hard. 

“Hi..”

“Hey, Mikey. What's up?”

“Um. You saw me like an hour ago.”

He chuckled softly and sighed. “I know, but I wanted to check you got home okay and everything. You looked pale today and I was worried about you..”

I relaxed a bit, allowing a smile to creep up on my face. “I'm doing okay.”

“That's good. Have you had dinner yet?”

I giggled quietly and put a hand over my eyes. “No, my brother and his boyfriend had a fight and I had to mediate. They're like toddlers.”

Brendon laughed and I could hear other men’s voices in the background. “Is everything okay now?”

“I think so. My brother can have a temper, so that's part of it. I think most of his anger comes from a very scared place and sometimes I don't think other people really realize that. Like, he never gets angry with me because...he knows I love him unconditionally.”

“You're a really fucking deep fifteen year old, you know that, right?”

“Mhm. But I'm sixteen in a couple weeks, so not for long.”

“Ohh! That's awesome! We’ll have to meet up again, as long as you're feeling okay. But uh...I gotta go right now, Mikey, I'm sorry. I'll see you soon though, right? And you'll text?”

“Yeah, sure. I'll see you soon, Bren.”

I hung up and glanced towards my bedroom door, the mention of dinner making my stomach growl. 

I got up and slipped out of my room, shutting the door behind me as I jogged down the stairs. 

Chris was in the kitchen, so I walked into the living room to find Gerard. He was sitting on the couch, scrolling through new movies on Netflix. I sat down next to him, and he smiled at me. “Thank you, Mikes.”

I nodded slightly. “Is everything okay now?”

“Yeah. We don't feel like going out, though, so um. We're gonna pick a movie, you're welcome to join us or go upstairs, it's up to you. But really...thanks.”

I shrugged and leaned into his side slightly. “You're my brother, Gee.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I went to a university open day today, I'm planning on a literature and creative writing course (if you're in the USA, it's a little different here, we don't really have majors/minors), but I'm kind of nervous about the creative writing aspect, I'm not sure whether I'll be versatile enough...  
> Anyway, I really like having conversations with you guys in the comments, so if you have any questions about the story or any guesses about the foreshadowing in the last chapter, don't hesitate to leave a comment!  
> Have a nice day/night!


	5. Chapter 5

F

My phone rang and I groaned, rolling over and grabbing for the bottle I’d left on the floor. My head was pounding, but I ignored it, finally finding the cool glass and lifting it up. Empty. 

“Fuck!”

My phone rang again and I picked it up this time, snapping a ‘hello’ at the person on the other end. 

“Whoah, hey Frank,” came Pat’s cheery voice. “You okay, dude?”

I groaned and heaved myself up, nearly tripping over the bottle as I stumbled towards the kitchen. “Fuckin’...no. Julia left me...Wednesday..”

There was a brief silence and Pat sighed softly. “And you've been drinking..”

“Wouldn't you?” I growled, wrenching the fridge open and pulling out the closest bottle of alcohol to me. It happened to be a beer, which I popped the cap off of easily. 

“Yeah, but..it's Monday...fuck, Frank. What happened?”

“She's been cheating on me for over a year,” I answered flatly. “And she told me she never loved me.”

“I'm so sorry, Frank. I really am. You want me to come over? I can-”

“No, it's fine, you've got practice n’shit, right?” I mumbled, taking a long swig. 

“It's okay, I can cancel.”

“You're going on tour next week, you can't cancel and you know it,” I pointed out, harsher than I meant to. 

“I know. Shit, Frank, if you need me, I want to be here, though. You mean so much to me.”

I hesitated, then sighed and set the bottle down. 

“I know. You mean a lot to me too, Pat. I'm just...I don't know. I don't know what to do with myself anymore.”

“I'm sorry, Frank. I'm so so sorry. But you should go to work. You should try to get your life normal again.”

“I guess. I um. I'm gonna try and get an apartment, I can't live in this fucking house.”

“Right,” Pat replied, his voice suddenly sharper and firmer. “Go to work. Come have lunch with me, and then look at apartments. No more alcohol until all of that is done.”

“But-”

“No, get off your arse, Frank Iero, and do something to help yourself for once, okay? I gotta go, but I'll meet you at the diner with the pie at twelve, okay?”

“Fine.”

“Love you.”

“Mhm.”

I hung up and shoved my phone in my pocket, setting the beer down and walking away to get dressed. 

~

Pat smiled at me as I sat down, two huge slices of pie already on the table. 

“I got the only lactose free one they had today, it's coconut and some shit.”

“S’okay, thanks..” I mumbled, looking down and cracking my knuckles one at a time. 

“That's a disgusting habit, Frank.”

“It's a nervous habit,” I pointed out quietly, sighing loudly. “I'm spiraling out, Pat.”

“You look like it, Frankie. Look, she was clearly a bitch, right? The way you described it to me earlier, she left you because you didn't have enough money.”

I shrugged and dug into my pie, shoving a huge forkful into my mouth. “I dunno, I don't wanna think about it.”

“And that's why you're drinking, right? Maybe you need a therapist.”

“I don't need to pay someone to listen to all my problems.”

Pat chuckled and rolled his eyes. “Therapists are so much more than that, Frank. It's about helping you understand and control your feelings as well as just telling someone about it. It's about discussing feelings and working out ways to handle them. It's not just for broken people or whatever, it's good for everyone.”

I swallowed another bite and looked away, out of the window at the cars passing by. “I just don't know if I would like it.”

“You never know until you try, Frank.” 

“I know.”

There was a pause as we both ate quietly, and Pat was the first to break the silence. 

“What about AA?”

“What about sticking that up your ass? That twelve step shit as all about God.” 

Pat shrugged and poked at his pie lightly. “I was thinking more along the lines of you going to talk to people. I'm gonna be super busy really soon and I think it would be good for you to have people to talk to in person. If you won't see a therapist, then maybe AA is a good start.” 

“Fine, I'll  _ think  _ about it. But I probably won't go so don't get your hopes up.” 

“Okay. How's the shop doing? Did you get a new manager in the end?” 

I sighed, staring at my pie sadly. “Yeah, but I'm not sure if I'm gonna keep the shop. I need to really think about what I wanna do with my life.”

“I thought you liked the shop?”

“I do, I do, I just...I feel like I need something more.”

Pat nodded, using the tines of his fork to draw smiley faces in the top of his pie absentmindedly. “Just don't jump the gun. Have a plan before you decide to sell or anything like that, right? You don't wanna end up ditching something you later realize you wanted to keep.” 

“Mm. Okay. I gotta go to court soon.”

“Shit, yeah. Are you gonna be okay?”

I shrugged and sighed, rubbing the bridge of my nose lightly. “I dunno. I dunno how it'll feel to see her again. I think the date thingy is next week.”

“Shouldn't you know?”

“It's written down at home,” I muttered, shaking my head slightly. “I'm not very organized at the best of times.”

“I know. Look, Frank, I gotta go, but you can call me if you need me, yeah? I'm sure I'll see you before we leave, but I'll text you updates and everything every day, so you know the time zone and everything.”

“Okay,” I sighed, getting up as he did and pulling him into a hug. He wrapped his arms around me quickly, squeezing me lightly. 

“It's gonna be okay, Frank. Everything happens for a reason, yeah?”

Pat pulled away and smiled at me before slipping his coat back on. “I'll see you soon.”

“Mhm.”

I watched him go, then sat down again heavily, staring at my half-eaten pie.

~

I slipped into the room, wincing as people turned in their seats to look at me. Someone was by the lectern, droning on about something or other, so I crept around and took a seat at the back as quietly as I could. I slouched back, staring at my hands as I tried to listen, but my brain wouldn't focus. 

When the lady moved away from the lectern to sit down, I finally looked up and spotted the flash of red in the corner. 

It  _ had  _ to be Gerard, I'd never seen anyone with hair as red as that. He was looking down at his lap, most likely texting someone. 

I stared at him for a while, my hands shaking slightly. I wanted to go talk to him, but I wasn't sure how to. I tried again to listen to the man standing up, forcing myself to focus, but I kept glancing over at Gerard instead.  

 

Gerard was pouring himself a cup of coffee as the meeting dissolved, so I wandered over, trying to seem casual. He looked up at me and I almost froze, caught in the disapproving gaze. 

“You didn't talk,  _ and  _ you didn't listen. What was the point of coming, Frank?”

I glared at him immediately, squaring my shoulders slightly. “I don't actually know. You were texting!”

“Yes, because my brother couldn't find the spare key to my house,” Gerard answered coolly, smiling at me in a way I found vaguely offensive. 

“Whatever.”

“If you wanna actually get better, you gotta listen, Frank.”

“I just..” I sighed and shook my head slightly. “Look, I'm not. I'm not really religious, and the whole twelve step thing isn't gonna work for me. I'm just here cause...cause I..” I trailed off and Gerard arched a perfectly groomed eyebrow. 

“Because you're scared of hitting rock bottom?”

I let my shoulders drop and nodded slightly. 

Gerard smiled again and shrugged. “We all are. Frank, the only person who can help you, truly help you overcome this shit is you,” he said firmly, poking my chest lightly. “You have to take that fear and turn it into a desire to change. You don't have to do the twelve steps, make your own staircase, just...make it so it works for you. My first step is generally to remove all of the alcohol from my house. Second is to get yourself really fucking busy. Third is to get a therapist. How's that for some free advice?”

Gerard grinned and I chuckled softly. “You should start charging. Uh...my friend..my only really good friend, he's going on tour with his band next week, that's mostly why I'm here. Cause I...I’m gonna have no one else to talk to.”

Gerard's smile wilted slightly and he sighed. “Mm. I understand. I only really come when Chris is on tour, just for that extra support, especially when my brother isn't around.”

“You said he's-”

“Yeah, he's coming to stay while Chris is off doing his thing,” Gerard answered quietly, waving a hand flippantly. “But uh. I dunno, he's. He's not doing overly well at the moment so he's probably going to be less than helpful.” 

“Do you uh...do you wanna talk about it? Like, over dinner?”

Gerard laughed and rolled his eyes. “I am  _ engaged _ , Frank.”

I snorted and shook my head, but felt the blush rising anyway. “I didn't mean it like that.”

“I know, I'm just teasing you. That would be great, but not tonight, I have to get back to see how Mikey is. Maybe tomorrow? Six ish?”

I nodded, shoving my hands in my pockets. “Do you like Italian?”

“Yeah, yeah I do,” Gerard smiled, shrugging. “Does anyone not like Italian?”

“You're making this harder than it needs to be.”

“It's a hobby of mine.”

“Whatever. There's this place on avenue C that does really good pasta, it's called Benny’s or something. I'll meet you there at six.”

Gerard nodded and took a few more sips of his coffee, then set it aside. “Sounds good, Frank. This coffee is shite.”

“Is it ever good?”

“No.”

“Your expectations are too high.”

“Not particularly, I was just stating a fact.”

“Did you know that you're very difficult to talk to?”

“Yes, it's one of the reasons I'm getting married next year. I'll see you tomorrow, Frank, I need to go.”

I smiled slightly, squashing the urge to grab him and pull him back, to shout at him, to tell him how much I  _ needed  _ him to stay. I watched him leave, and as the door clicked shut behind him, I realized I was the only one left in the musty hall. 

~~~

Gerard threw himself down across from me, looking harassed and tired. 

“You okay?”

He nodded slightly and rolled his eyes. “My little brother is being a huge pain in the ass again. But I can't say anything or do anything about it because he's had a rough month and ugh..”

Gerard glared at the table, running his hands into his hair and placing his elbows on the wooden surface. “I'm so fucking tired.”

“What's...like, what's…” I gave up trying to ask the question and shook my head slightly. “Want to talk about it?”

Gerard groaned and shrugged. “There's not much to talk about. Except that Mikey...he has really bad anxiety and um...he doesn't always eat right. He's not that bad, just like...wound really tight, all the time...and it's hard to live with, sometimes. He's really particular about the food he eats and the way his routine is and if it's not right, he can get really upset. And I love him, y'know? I don't want him to be upset, but I also can't run around after him picking up every tiny thing that isn't right and fixing it for him.”

I blinked and poured Gerard a glass of water from the jug. “I'm sorry, Gerard. That does sound really difficult. Has he tried medication or anything like that?”

Gerard dropped his hands to the table, nodding slightly. “Yeah, yeah. That's why this month has been bad, they've changed his medication, and it's not really working as well as the one he's been on before.”

“Can he switch back?”

Gerard sipped his water, then set the glass aside carefully. “He has now, but it kind of takes a while to work, if that makes sense? It's just the way that type of medication acts. And, in the meantime, I have to run a hairdressing business out of the house. So..”

He heaved a long sigh, twisting a lock of bright red around his finger. “It's really hard for me too, because it's all my fault.”

I blinked, slightly taken aback. “But-”

“Remember how I told you about Mikey getting hurt? And I could have stopped it? Well, his therapist says that the reason he now has anxiety and...well, what’s essentially an eating disorder is because of that. He's like...trying to take back control of his environment….it's gotten better, I guess, since then. He's never gonna be cured, but his therapy is working, it's just so hard to see him like that and know I could have stopped it..”

I rubbed the bridge of my nose lightly, taking a deep breath. “Have you tried talking to him about it?”

“No, it'd make him feel bad..” Gerard mumbled with another sigh. “And Chris doesn't really get it.” 

“Well I don't know you or Mikey or the situation very well, but I really doubt it was your fault. A lot of times in hindsight, it seems like you could have stopped something from happening, but...there were so many things in the way. Like…I've been doing a lot of thinking in between drinking this past week or so and there were red flags in my marriage, and our relationship before we got married, but I ignored them because I wanted it to work. Maybe...maybe that's what happened.”

“I saw the red flags,” Gerard mumbled, burying his face in his hands. “I should have known..”

“But did you actively do something to cause Mikey pain? Did you push him off a building? Have an affair with his girlfriend? Like...you'd have to have actively done  _ something _ for it to be your fault. And you don't seem like the kinda guy to do that.”

Gerard lifted his head, dragging his palms down his cheeks. “I don't know..”

“You can't just not know, that's not how it works,” I pushed quietly. Gerard rolled his eyes. 

“I just don't know. I feel like I should have...I should have been a parent and I decided to be a brother and that was the wrong decision and-”

“For fuck’s sake, are you listening to yourself?” I snapped, but without real bite, just enough to startle him slightly. “You  _ aren't  _ his parent! You will never be his parent, you're his brother and you shouldn't have had to make that decision. Where the fuck were your parents?”

“My mom was on a cruise and my dad was six feet under.”

“There. Your mom should have been there. What did she do, just palm Mikey off on you?”

Gerard swallowed hard, his eyes starting to get slightly wet. “Yeah,” he croaked quietly. 

“Then she's a fucking bitch and she should have been there. She's a bad parent. Look, all of this happened seven years ago, right? Stop torturing yourself. There's no such thing as time machines, and all this ‘oh it was my fault,’ gets in the way of you doing your best to be there for him. Because- Gerard, look at me, and don't you dare say a word-”

Gerard snapped his mouth shut and stared at me sullenly. 

“Because if you can't distance yourself from it, you're gonna go down with him and that doesn't help anyone.” 

He opened his mouth again and I cut in quickly. 

“Do you understand, Gerard?”

He sighed and covered his eyes with one hand, nodding slightly. “Y-yeah. But it's easier said than done..”

I dug a tissue out of my pocket and handed it to him, smiling sadly as he dropped his hand back down to dry his eyes. “I know, Gerard, I know. I'm sorry I shouted at you, I just..”

“It's fine, I needed it,” he chuckled dryly, sniffing a bit before taking a gulp of his water. “Where's the waiter anyway?”

“Probably too scared to come over,” I grinned, tapping the menu. “Do you know what you want? I can find someone.”

“Yeah..”

I managed to catch a waiter’s attention and we ordered quickly. As soon as he'd gone, Gerard leaned forward slightly. 

“How are you? I'm sorry, I kind of just sat down and started ranting at you..” 

I shrugged and smiled, looking down at the table. “It's fine, and I'm doing okay I guess. I threw out all the booze, I haven't had a drink since I last saw you.”

Gerard grinned and slapped the table lightly. “Yes! That's really good, Frank!”

I wrinkled my nose, sighing quietly. “It's one day.”

“Mhm. Well, I'm gonna start making you fake chips or something. We can start our own AA. Twenty four hours is a big deal, Frank, and you should treat it like one. It means you're on your way.”

I smiled slightly and looked up, meeting Gerard's kind gaze. 

“I'm proud of you, Frank. Even though I've only met you like three times.” 

I chuckled and tried to suppress the blush as Gerard squinted at me. “You're older than me, right? How old are you?”

“Thirty three.”

“Ohh. Yeah, you're three years older than me. Seems like more.”

I glared at him and he interrupted me quickly, giggling. 

“No, no, not like that! You look like you're in your twenties, but you're...I dunno. You're smart, and good with people.”

“Not really, I-”

“I'm people, aren't I? And you talked sense into me.”

I laughed and Gerard grinned at me, resting his chin in his hand. 

“I guess. You should probably see a therapist or something, though.”

Gerard's smile dropped away and he shrugged. “I used to, but I haven't been back in a while. It feels kind of like giving up, I guess.”

I sighed and nodded slightly. “I know how you feel...why did you go before?”

Gerard hesitated, then rolled up the sleeves on his hoodie, laying his arms down on the table, palms up. I stared at the six inch scars, swallowing hard. “Holy fuck.”

Gerard quickly rolled his sleeves up again and folded his hands in his lap, looking down. 

“I've never really shown them to people before..”

I blinked away the frozen horror and took a deep breath. “That's um. I'm really sorry, Gerard. Those are fairly old, though, right?”

He didn't look up, but nodded slightly. “I attempted when I was eighteen, and I was dead for one minute and forty two seconds. Mikey was ten.”

I hesitated, feeling completely out of my depth. 

“I'm...I’m really sorry you felt like you had to do that, Gerard, but I'm so glad you're here now.”

Gerard swallowed and forced a smile, finally lifting his head to look at me again. “It's okay. It um. Reminds me that no matter how bad things get, I can..I can handle them now. Y'know...a lot of the time, when you slice down deep like that, you cut tendons and fuck up your fingers. I missed all of the ones on my right hand and only nicked one on my left. I think...I think that's...that's like fate or something. I'm not sure if I believe in God, but...y'know. I found my talent and it was beauty and that's...that's all like..” He waved his hands vaguely, sniffling again. “You have to use your hands. And I'm so lucky I didn't fuck that up.”

I got up, sliding into the booth next to Gerard and pulling him into a hug, letting him bury his face in my neck as he clung to me shakily. I stroked up and down his back slowly, resting my chin on top of his head. “It's okay, Gerard. It's okay now. And it's okay to be upset, too..”

He gently pulled away, taking a deep, shuddering breath and rubbing his eyes shakily. “I know, and I'm sorry. I just...Chris is a wonderful person and I love him to death, but he's not. He's not really broken like me, y'know? He doesn't really understand.”

I nodded slightly, still running my hand up and down Gerard's back. “I get it. But you're not broken, Gerard. No one really is, I don't think, I just think that sometimes when people get hurt, it leaves bruises, and some take days to fade and some take lifetimes, and that's...normal. And sometimes you get bruised in the same place over and over and the pain gets so bad you'd do anything to get away from it, but it will still go away one day.”

Gerard sighed and nodded slightly, leaning into me a little. “You're smart and I hate you.”

“Okay.”

We sat in silence for a while, Gerard staring off into space as I kept trying to comfort him by just being there with him. 

When the food arrived, I moved back to my place and we ate relatively quietly, Gerard only pausing to comment about how nice the food was. 

As soon as our empty plates were cleared, Gerard leaned forward again, smiling at me. “I made it all about me again, didn't I?”

I nodded slowly to wind him up. “Yeah, you seem to be really good at that.” 

Gerard groaned and smacked my shoulder gently. “You were the one asking questions about me!”

“I know, I know,” I laughed, batting his hand away. “I'm incapable of talking about myself.”

“Sure.” Gerard rolled his eyes and grinned at me. “I like you, Frank, you can stick around.”

“Cool.”

Gerard's phone buzzed on the table and he frowned, picking it up and reading the notification quickly.

“Sorry, Frank, I um. I need to call my brother,” Gerard mumbled, getting up and slipping his coat on. 

“That's fine, do you want me to get you a dessert menu?”

“No, I wanna take you somewhere else for afters...let me just run outside, I won't be long.” 

“Alright.” 

 

Gerard jogged back to me about ten minutes later, looking worried, and I got up quickly, tucking my wallet back away. 

“Is everything okay?”

Gerard sighed and ran a hand through his hair, his fingers trembling slightly. “Yeah, Mikey...he has his friend over, that's who texted me. Said he wasn't doing too well, I've just talked to him, I think he's okay now..”

I nodded and shoved my hands in my pockets awkwardly. “Well, if you...if you need to go home, that's fine.”

Gerard hesitated, then nodded slightly. “I think I should, I'm just...I'm gonna be stressing anyway, and-”

I gently took his upper arm, steering him towards the entrance to the restaurant. “Let's go. It's fine, Gerard, I can see you again soon, right? I don't want you to be stressed.”

“What about dinner, we haven't paid!”

“I did,” I soothed, smiling at him as he tried to wriggle out of my grip. “It's all paid for, don't worry, and I paid because I'm the one who asked you to come out.” 

Gerard relaxed a bit, but shot me a glare. “You shouldn't have.”

“It's fine. Did you walk here, by the way?”

Gerard blinked at me, then smiled slightly. “Are you stalking me?”

“No, I just didn't see a car pull in between when I arrived and when you did, so I just made an assumption.”

“Oh.”

“I'll drive you home, Gerard.”

“Thanks.”

 

Gerard kissed my cheek and got out of the car, then grinned. “You should come by for a haircut on Friday. On the house.”

“If you say so.”

“I do say so.”

“Alright.”

Gerard waved and shut the car door, then hurried up the porch steps and slipped into the house. I stared at the front door for a few seconds, then drove away from the curb, heading home for the night. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So what do you think about Frank's response to Gerard's guilt?  
> Thanks for reading! xxx


	6. Chapter 6

M

Pete pulled me into a quick hug, rubbing my back lightly. “You look horrible, Mikey.”

I sat down as soon as he let go and shook my head slightly. “Gerard reckons it's pneumonia, he's taking me to the doctor later today. I've started coughing and shit a lot. It's not much fun..”

“No, I imagine not..”

There was a knock on the bedroom door and I looked up. “Come in..”

Pete sat down on the desk chair, drawing his knees up against his chest and watching curiously as the door swung open. Chris smiled at me. “Hey, Gerard's got clients until four today, and then he's taking you to urgent care as soon as he's done. Okay? He told me to give you this..”

Chris walked in, handing me a mug. I grinned and thanked him softly, then rolled my eyes when he finally noticed Pete. 

“Oh...hi, I'm sorry, I'm half asleep today, I'm Chris.”

“Pete,” my friend laughed, shaking Chris's hand. “It's okay.”

“Uh well...let me know if either of you need anything, okay?”

We nodded and as soon as the door shut behind Chris, Pete started to giggle. 

I just rolled my eyes again, shaking my head slightly. “Whatever.”

“No, he's cute though,” Pete commented, forcing himself to calm down. “He's better looking in person I think, just...very tall.”

“Mhm.”

Pete's gaze shifted to my mug and he squinted. “What is that?”

“Masala chai. Gerard likes to make it for me when I'm sick. It's like tea but with a shitload of milk and spices. It's really fucking good and I'm not sharing.”

“Fair enough, I don't want your weird germs anyway.”

I smiled to myself, sipping the tea before setting it aside and making myself more comfortable. 

“Are you gonna see Brendon again soon?” Pete asked, doodling on my desk with a pencil. 

“Yeah, probably. I um. I didn't tell you the best part of our date.”

Pete frowned. “But you told me about the pie, so..”

I giggled and rolled my eyes, pausing to cough into my elbow a couple times. “No, he kissed my cheek.”

Pete lifted his gaze, staring at me for a few seconds before grinning. “Holy shit.”

“Yeah,” I mumbled, feeling my cheeks start to heat up again. “He waited for the bus with me and just before I got on he kissed me and I didn't know what to say so I kind of ran off? He called me like an hour after and he said he was worried about me and wanted to see me again, when I felt well enough.”

“Dude.”

“I know.”

Pete rolled his eyes, shaking his head slightly. “It's not fair. Mikey, you're in a league of your own.”

“Whatever. He was probably just trying to be nice,” I muttered, looking down at my hands. 

Pete hesitated and sighed. “I'm gonna say it again, Mikes, but you need to be a little more confident in yourself. You're a really good catch.”

I shrugged and picked up my mug, taking a much longer sip this time. “Anyway, you're supposed to be helping me keep up with school, not gossiping about my shitty date.”

“Come on. At least admit it wasn't shitty, Mikey. You had fun and you like him and that's okay.”

“Yeah, but I don't wanna get attached yet either,” I pointed out quietly. “And I'm not gonna tell Gerard yet so..”

“Alright, fine. Let's get some school shit done.” 

~

I curled up against Gerard's side, resting my head on his shoulder as he wrapped an arm around me. He turned the tv on, rubbing my side slightly as he flicked through the channels. 

“Feeling any better yet, hon?”

I shrugged and shifted slightly, letting out a soft sigh as I stared at the clock on the wall. 2:18 a.m. 

“I guess.”

Gerard smiled down at me, squeezing me lightly. “It's okay...I'm used to your nightmares, remember? You used to have them like every night when you were a kid.”

I huffed and drew my knees up slightly. “When I was a kid, yeah.”

Gerard shook his head, setting the remote aside. “I still get nightmares sometimes, Mikey. It's not like it makes you childish, it's just...it means you're worrying about stuff, most likely. I get nightmares when I'm stressed. Are you worried about something?”

I bit my lip lightly. “Nah. I'm just…I guess I'm a little worried about you and Chris. You seemed really happy with him and I don't...I want you to stay happy, y'know?”

Gerard smiled and started to rub my back in slow circles. “We're fine, Mikey, I promise. I'm still a work in progress and Chris knows that. He loves me for who I am, shitty insecurities and all..”

I nodded and started to rub the bridge of my nose lightly. “When I spoke to him, he said something about you having...difficult relationships before. What did he mean?”

Gerard looked down at me and sighed, reaching up to brush my hair out of my eyes. “I had some shitty partners, that's all. Some people who...well, they didn't really break down my confidence, not exactly..” 

Gerard looked away, chewing the inside of his cheek the way he always did when deep in thought. “Look..” He turned back to meet my gaze, smiling sadly.  “When I first lost weight, I lost..well, I lost a little too much, really, for my body type. And um. There were some people, mostly other guys, who thought that was really attractive. Um..” 

He looked down again, his cheeks starting to go a light pink. “They would...they would kind of take advantage of me, a little. Of the fact that I had very little confidence in myself, y'know? I still thought that I wasn't attractive and that people wouldn't want me, so I thought any kind of attention was good attention. And yeah...I started to realize that those people were just using me for sex and that felt really, really shitty. So when Chris doesn't...doesn't want to be intimate with me, it gives me these really mixed feelings where I'm disappointed and I think I must not be attractive to him, but I'm also kind of pleased because he's taking things slow to get them right and it assures me he's not just using me…” Gerard trailed off, wrinkling his nose slightly. “That's probably TMI, huh?”

I shrugged, looking down at my hands. “I dunno. I just wish…I wish I knew when all that was going on for you. I always wanted to help you, Gee.”

He smiled a little shakily, sniffling a bit. “You're so sweet, Mikey,” he murmured, ruffling my hair lightly. “When did you get so smart and grown up?”

I just smiled to myself and Gerard kissed the side of my head. 

“Don't worry about me, Mikey. I'm working things out and I'm still going to therapy and everything. And next time Chris and I fight, you don't have to get involved, okay? I don't want you to put that kind of stress on yourself. I'm the big brother and it's my job to take care of you, not the other way around.”

I nodded slightly, leaning into Gerard again as he rubbed my shoulder. 

“You ought to try for some more sleep, is there anything I can do to help?”

I shook my head sleepily, closing my eyes. Gerard chuckled and squeezed my shoulder, then wrapped his arm around me again. 

~

I woke up coughing, on my side on the couch, a pillow under my head and a blanket laid over me. I could hear Gerard talking, and a woman’s voice replying, which most likely meant he had a client. I grabbed my glasses off the coffee table and shoved them on, then glanced at the clock and sighed. It was nearly noon, so I got up and wandered into the kitchen. My phone was on the counter and I picked it up, glancing over the screen. 

_ Pete, 11:29 _

_ Just woke up, wanna come over this afternoon? Mom says you can stay for dinner and my dad pirated the new marvel movie.  _

I scrolled through a bunch of useless tumblr notifications to find another text, smiling to myself slightly. 

_ Brendon, 9:37 _

_ Hey Mikey! I have a half day at work today, and I wondered if you wanted to meet up for lunch? _

I bit my lip and sighed again, then poured myself a glass of water, taking it up the back stairs with me. I got dressed and sorted out my hair, checking myself over in the mirror before picking my coat up off the hook. I tapped on Brendon's contact, tugging my ankle boots on while it rang. 

“Hey!” He answered cheerfully on the third ring. “What's up?”

“Hey, I was thinking we could go to the cafe on fifth for lunch?”

Brendon chuckled softly and I knew somehow that he was nodding. “Wherever you wanna go, but I was thinking of something a little nicer.”

“Mm, I'm listening,” I grinned, feeling a little warmer inside as I finished putting my boots on. 

“Well, I'm assuming you're probably not comfortable with me driving you places yet, so if we take a short bus trip, we can go to this really good place downtown. It's a little bit hippy-ish, but I think you'll like it.” 

“Alright, your recommendations have been good so far,” I grinned, standing up. “I'll meet you by the Starbucks at quarter past, yeah?”

“Sounds perfect, Mikey. See you soon.” 

~

Brendon grinned at me as I walked up to the Starbucks entrance. “Hey handsome. C’mere..”

I let him pull me into a hug, burying my face in his neck as I hugged back briefly. 

“Mm. Thanks for this, Bren, I needed to get out of the house..”

He pulled away just enough to kiss my cheek, then allowed me to take a step back. 

“I'm still sick, I'm-”

“I don't mind,” Brendon shrugged, offering me his hand. “Is it pneumonia, then?”

I nodded slightly, taking his hand hesitantly and following as he started off down the road confidently. “Yeah, I'm on antibiotics now.”

“That's good.”

“Yep.”

Brendon squeezed my hand lightly, glancing at me. “You seem kinda down, everything okay?”

“Yeah, no!” I answered quickly, trying to sound enthusiastic. “I'm okay, I'm just...I didn't sleep well last night and I guess I have a lot on my mind. I'm fine, though. And I'm...I'm gonna go to Pete’s for a while after lunch, I said I'd be there at two ish.”

“Okay.”

I felt the cough coming and quickly shoved my face in my elbow, bending over slightly as I tried to stop the fit. Brendon stood patiently next to me, rubbing my back as my body shook. 

“Maybe you should go to Pete's now,” he suggested quietly as I straightened up. “You should probably be resting..”

I nodded slightly, pouting as I looked down at the ground. “Probably. I wanted...I wanted to be out with you, though..”

“We can go out again when you're feeling better,” Brendon soothed, smiling at me a little worriedly. “You'll get better much quicker if you don't force it..”

“Okay,” I mumbled reluctantly, kicking at the pavement with the toe of my boot. “Shit. I looked cute today, too.”

Brendon chuckled and brought a hand up to my cheek, cradling it gently. “You always look cute.”

“You've seen me like four times.”

“No, I've been going to that Starbucks for longer than you have, Mikey, I spotted you when you started going a few weeks back with Pete, and I wanted to talk to you, but I was never really ready.”

I felt the blush rising and took Brendon's hand as he started walking back towards the cafe. 

“Look, let's get you a steamed vanilla milk or something and a cake, and I'll take the bus with you to Pete's, sound good? It'll keep you warmer..”

I nodded, leaning into him just a little. “Sounds perfect, Brendon.”

“Mm. You need to rest those lungs, Mikey, your cough sounds terrible.”

“I'll try, the doctor thinks it'll clear up in a couple days. I don't get sick often, but when I do it's like armageddon.” 

Brendon smiled, squeezing my hand lightly as he pushed the Starbucks door open for me. “I know what you mean. Now, what would you like? You should go stand by the fire or something while I order..”

~

“That is so cute.  _ And  _ he rode the bus here with you?”

I nodded, curling up on the couch in Pete’s rec room. He tossed a couple blankets over me, rubbing my shoulder as I shivered. 

“He wouldn't let me pay him back for the food either.”

“Aww...you should try and get a kiss next time you see him. Like a real kiss.”

I shrugged and shifted, fluffing the pillow up a bit as Pete sat down on the edge of the couch, in front of my legs, and picked up the video game controller. “I dunno, Pete. It seems a little fast.”

“Yeah, but it's just a kiss. It doesn't even have to be with tongue or any of that shit. Just like a peck on the lips. Cute and simple.”

“I don't want him to get the wrong idea.”

“Then be firm from the start,” Pete shrugged, biting his lip as he started the game. “You don't have to do anything you don't want to.”

“I know, but..” I sighed and trailed off, watching Pete play for a while before my eyelids started to get a little heavy. 

I felt a hand on my shoulder suddenly and jumped a bit. Pete chuckled, but started to rub my upper arm soothingly. “Get some sleep if you need, Mikey. You look exhausted.”

I just grunted, letting my eyes slip closed as he went back to his game. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sort of a filler chapter I guess.   
> I hope you guys are enjoying this, I didn't think it was going to be a popular one, but I really didn't expect it to be this unpopular. If there's anything I can do, let me know. I'm guessing it's probably because of the relationships, but idk.   
> Oh well, thanks for reading! <3


	7. Chapter 7

M

Brendon ran his hand down my back, smiling at me. We were sitting outside at the park, overlooking the duck pond after a nice lunch. I felt calm and relaxed, and I leaned into Brendon slightly, resting my head on his shoulder. 

“You're adorable,” he murmured, stroking my hair back from my face as I shuffled a little closer to him. 

I blushed like I always did and smiled up at him shyly. “I think you're handsome too.”

“Mm. I like it when you wear your glasses.”

I closed my eyes, feeling the weak sun on my face and enjoying being close to Brendon. I almost jumped when I felt his fingers under my chin, opening my eyes as he tilted my head up slightly. I panicked as he leaned in and nearly pulled away, but his lips found mine before I could move and I froze, closing my eyes quickly. 

Brendon slid his other hand up to my cheek, gently pulling me deeper as he kissed me slowly. I started to kiss back at the same pace, my hands shaking in my lap. I didn't know where to put my hands or how to act, so I just sat quietly, moving my lips uncertainly.

He broke away first, chuckling as he ran his thumb over my cheekbone. “You've never been kissed before, huh?”

I blinked, mortified as my face started to heat up again. “W-was it that obvious?”

Brendon grinned, nodding slightly. “Yeah, it kinda was..”

I looked down, my heart sinking as I tried to stop my hands from shaking and the lump forming in my throat. I moved to get up and Brendon grabbed my arm, gently pulling me back. 

“Hey, come on. It's okay, we’ll just have to practice, right?”

I swallowed hard, knowing that if I tried to answer, I’d probably start to cry, and just nodded. 

Brendon lifted my chin again and immediately kissed me, one hand on my cheek and the other on my thigh, just above my knee. I tried to kiss back more this time and allowed Brendon to guide me deeper, but pulled away when his hand moved up my thigh, my breaths suddenly shallow and quick. 

“Brendon, I'm not..”

“It's okay, Mikey,” he murmured, resting his forehead on mine. “It's okay, don't panic..it's our fifth date now, don't you trust me?”

I didn't answer, struggling to keep my breathing even as he caressed the inside of my thigh with his thumb, slowly inching his hand higher until I finally tried to shake him off. 

“Alright...it's okay, Mikey, come on..” 

He kissed me again, keeping it short this time and removing his hand as soon as he broke away. I relaxed back into the bench, taking a few deep breaths as Brendon watched the ducks. I managed to stop shaking after a minute or two and leaned into Brendon's side quietly. 

~

Gerard was singing to himself softly when I got home after my date with Brendon, but looked up as soon as I walked into the kitchen. He'd been baking, I could tell by the smell, but he was just finishing the cleanup. 

“Hey, where’ve you been?” He asked cheerily, placing the last dish on the drying rack. “You didn't answer my text.”

“Oh...uh, I was with Pete, my phone died.”

“You need to charge it regularly, Mikey,” Gerard pointed out, drying his hands off and draping the teatowel over the handle of the oven. “Did you have fun?”

“Yeah, it was good. What did you make?”

“Muffins for breakfast tomorrow. I just felt like it..”

I nodded, staring at my brother oddly. He seemed off, smiling brightly as he wiped down the front of the fridge. He  _ hated  _ cleaning, why was he grinning like an idiot?

“Gerard, did you try weed again?”

He froze and turned to look at me, frowning deeply. “What? No, why d’you ask?”

I blinked, surprised that he seemed genuine. “Um. You just seem like...weirdly upbeat, that's all..”

Gerard swallowed and I noticed a light dusting of pink in his cheeks. “Um. It's none of your business. But it's not drugs, I don't do that.”

I stared at him for a while and he sighed. “Fine, Chris and I took another step in our relationship, okay? I didn't think you'd want to know.”

“Not really.”

“Then why-...never mind,” Gerard sighed, rolling his eyes and turning away to clean the countertops. I watched him for a few seconds, then sighed. 

“What step?”

Gerard looked up at me in surprise and shook his head slightly. “I shouldn't tell you.”

“I don't care, I wanna know.”

“I want that in writing, Mikey Way.”

I laughed and Gerard grinned at me. 

“We slept together last night while you were sleeping over at Pete’s. I hadn't thought Chris would be ready yet, so it was like a nice surprise.”

I wrinkled my nose and Gerard rolled his eyes. 

“You asked, Mikey.”

“I know, I know,” I smiled, opening the fridge and pulling out a bottle of water. “I'm happy for you guys, though.”

He went back to what he was doing, still smiling to himself. I felt the sudden urge to tell him about Brendon, but stamped it out quickly. 

“I'm gonna go do some homework.”

“Okay. Shout if you need anything, I'm working from three till six and then Chris is coming over for dinner.” 

“Okay.” 

“Love you.”

“Love you too..”

~~~

I wandered through town, bored out of my mind. It was Sunday and Pete was busy and Brendon wasn't answering my texts, so I'd gotten myself a coffee and just walked around, glancing into random shops and watching the world go by around me. 

I sat down on a bench after a while, pulling my coat a little tighter around me. 

“Mikey?”

I jumped, nearly spilling my coffee as I looked around quickly. Brendon was jogging towards me from the front of a store, grinning at me. “Hey!”

I smiled back shyly, waving awkwardly. “Hi.”

“Sorry, Mikey,” he chuckled, throwing himself down next to me. “I was in a job interview this morning and then I covered half a shift for my friend. I wasn't ignoring you.”

I nodded, leaning into him as he wrapped an arm around my waist. “S’okay, Brendon, I get it.”

“Good..” 

Brendon wrapped his fingers around my jaw and I reluctantly let him pull me into a kiss, feeling my cheeks already heating up with embarrassment. He slid one hand into my hair, then ran the other up the top of my thigh slowly before breaking away and grinning at me. “Mm. So good to see you, Mikey..” 

I nodded shyly and took a deep breath slowly. “Yeah, you too..”

I glanced around awkwardly and froze as I made eye contact with a very tall man. With lots of piercings and tattoos. And black hair. 

Chris was staring, so I quickly turned and buried my face in Brendon's neck, hoping he hadn't really recognized me. Brendon didn't seem to notice, as he was fiddling with his phone, but he rubbed my side absentmindedly anyway. 

“Mikey..”

“Mm.”

“Why are you hiding?”

I shifted slightly and sighed. “My brother’s boyfriend is over there.”

“Who?”

“Tall guy with tattoos.”

“Oh. He's walking away, Mikey, it's okay. You wanna go get something to eat?”

~

I shut the door behind me and bent down to take my shoes off, jumping as I looked up. Gerard was standing in the hallway, his arms folded over his chest. 

“Chris ratted me out, then.”

“Yep.”

“Jesus Christ, I-”

“Mikey, just don't even try, you're gonna dig yourself a bigger hole.”

I rolled my eyes and pushed past Gerard, walking into the living room and throwing myself down on the couch. He followed me quietly, standing over me as I grabbed the TV remote. 

“Mikey, I want to talk about this.”

I glared at him, trying to push him out of the way of the screen. “You just told me to shut the fuck up, Gerard, and  _ now  _ you wanna talk about it? Piss off!”

Gerard snatched the remote from my hand, turning the TV off. “Don't talk to me like that, Mikey,” he said firmly, but calmly. “You lied to me.”

“Only about who I was with.”

“That's a pretty big lie,” he snapped, running a hand through his hair. I suddenly noticed his fingers were shaking and gritted my teeth. 

“What do you mean? Do you not trust me to make my own decisions?”

Gerard's stance softened and he sighed loudly, sitting down on the coffee table. “No, Mikes, it's not that. You're just...you're still young, Mikey, and you're a smart kid, but you're still a kid. Sometimes...sometimes people are stupid when they're teenagers. I was, Chris was. We all make mistakes and-”

“Brendon isn't a mistake, he cares about me,” I growled, and Gerard sighed again, burying his face in his hands. 

“I'm not good at this, fuck…”

There was an awkward pause and Gerard lifted his head again slowly. “Mikey, I know how college guys can be,” he said finally, running a hand through his hair again. “They can be...manipulative. They're still adolescents, their brains still don't...I dunno. They're not wired all the way yet.”

I glared at him, shaking my head. “You're not convincing me, dipshit. You're only a year older than Brendon.”

Gerard blinked and rubbed his palms over the tops of his thighs shakily. “Mikey, I'm worried about you,” he mumbled bluntly, staring at the floor. “You've never been in a relationship before, you...and I'm worried that you didn't tell me. Am I doing something wrong? I don't..I would have thought this would be something you'd want to tell me about.” 

I sighed, fiddling with my fingers as I stared at my knees. “I dunno. I just...I wasn't sure it was gonna go anywhere.”

“Chris said he was…he was kinda touching your thigh. Are you guys..?”

My eyes widened and I shook my head quickly. “N-no! No, I'm not...I'm not ready for all that, Gee. We've only been talking for like three weeks. And one of those weeks I was sick...I'm not ready..”

Gerard grinned, his shoulders dropping in relief and the shaking in his fingers fading slightly. “Thank fuck for that...but um. When you are...I know you probably watch stuff on the Internet and all that, but it's not...it's not really the same in reality. When you are ready, I hope...I hope you'll come to me first. I know it's weird and all that, but you...you need to know how to be safe..”

I swallowed hard and nodded, knowing I was probably close to beetroot-colored by now. “Okay...thanks, Gee.”

“It's alright. But Mikey, I gotta set some ground rules for you with this guy, yeah? Don't get in his car. Don't go to his house. And always text me where you're going with him, okay? I'm not gonna get all creepy about it, I just wanna know that I can find you if you need me. And um...I’d really like to meet him this week. I'm out tomorrow night at this class thing, but maybe the day after? For dinner?”

I took a breath in to protest, then decided not to push my luck and nodded instead. “Okay, Gee. I'll ask him.”

“Alright..”

Gerard stood up and leaned over, hugging me tightly. “You gotta tell me stuff, Mikey. I get so worried about you.”

“I'm fine,” I muttered, but wrapped my arms around him anyway, nuzzling his shoulder briefly. 

“I know, and I know you're a smart kid. Just be safe, okay?”

I nodded and he brushed my hair back from my face with his fingers slowly. “I've gotta go get dinner out of the oven. It'll be ready in five.” 

“Thanks, Gee.”

“You're welcome, baby bro.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Building up to it slowly...  
> <3


	8. Chapter 8

F

Gerard opened the door and smiled at me, pulling me into a quick hug. “Hey! How are you?”

I smiled slightly, running a hand through my hair as he let go. “I'm okay...I've managed to avoid alcohol, but not Netflix.” 

Gerard grinned and gently pulled me inside. “That's awesome! Uh, just so you know, my brother’s around today, so he might make an appearance.”

“Oh. How is he?” I asked, starting to take my shoes off. 

“You can keep them on if you like,” Gerard hummed, closing a door that spanned the hallway. “He's okay, not having the best day today.”

“Oh..I can go if..”

“No, he's used to my appointments..” Gerard led me into a fairly big room with some comfy chairs on one side and a hairdressing table on the other. Around in a small indent in the wall was one of the weird bowl showers that all hairdressers had. 

The room itself was clean and tidy and smelled of hairspray, and looked a little more upmarket than I was used to. I sat down in the chair, looking at Gerard in the mirror as he fastened the cover around my neck. 

“Had a busy day today?”

“No, it's my day off from general clients today, I couldn't fit you in anywhere else.”

“Seriously? How packed does this place get?”

Gerard chuckled, smiling to himself as he ran his fingers through my hair. “Not very, cause I only have one me. I don't have any employees. I have another room where I do makeup and hair dye, but that's it.”

“Do you make a lot?”

Gerard grinned and shrugged. “I built my business on luxury, Frank. I make a good amount. Get up, I'm gonna wash your hair.”

“Mhm. Are you this rude to all your clients?”

“Nah, just the ones with really gross greasy hair.”

I rolled my eyes and walked to the other chair, sitting back as Gerard leaned over me. 

“Tell me if it gets too hot,” he mumbled, turning the water on. “You have nice hair, Frank, it's fairly thick.”

“Oh thank you,” I chuckled, batting my eyelashes. “You're so kind.”

“And you look like you're having a seizure, I wouldn't go into acting if I were you.”

“Whatever.”

Gerard smirked and started to rub shampoo into my hair, then rinsed it out carefully. 

“Alright, Frank, I think I'm gonna keep some of this length, but I don't think having all one length down to your jaw like this suits you, so I'm gonna take it back a bit and layer it, sound good?”

Gerard guided me to sit up, toweling off my hair. 

“I have no idea what you're talking about, but I trust you.”

He snorted and rolled his eyes. “Why are men always so clueless?”

“Last time I checked-”

“I'm a gay man, fuck off.”

“That's stereotyping.”

“I know, it was also a fucking joke, moron.”

“I'm loving this customer service.”

Gerard rolled his eyes and pushed me down in the chair. “Whatever.”

The conversation lulled as Gerard started on my hair, so I just sat quietly, letting him work in relative silence. After about ten minutes, though, the smooth jazz playing quietly in the background was starting to get to me. 

“I didn't pin you as a smooth jazz kinda guy,” I said finally, grinning as Gerard glared at me.  

“It's for the clients, asshole.”

“Well this client hates smooth jazz.”

“What does his clientship actually like, then?”

I chuckled and shrugged. “You got any punk?”

“I have an aux cable, if you have your phone on you, you can put anything on.”

“Hit me.”

Gerard smirked and opened a drawer, pulling out a long cable. He opened a different drawer to reveal a small iPod plugged into a aux socket. “I also have USB if you wanna charge your phone..”

“Nah, just the audio is fine..”

Gerard plugged the extension cable in and handed me the other end before closing both drawers and going back to my hair. I picked a playlist off Spotify and left it to run, leaning back slightly. 

“Better?” Gerard asked sarcastically, and I grinned. 

“Much.”

~

Gerard was just finishing up drying my hair when I saw the door open in the mirror and a young man stepped into the room. He was a little taller than Gerard, with slicked back dirty blond hair and thick-framed glasses. He looked tired, but something about him made me want to stare at him all day. 

“Mikey, I-”

“How many calories in Ritz crackers, Gee?”

Gerard sighed loudly and shrugged exaggeratedly. “Mikey, do I look like Google? Doesn't it say on the packet?”

“The box is gone, it's just a tube.”

“Then Google it, hon, I'm a little busy.”

“But-”

“I'm close to being done, Mikey, ten more minutes. Can you wait ten more minutes?”

“But it's lunchtime.”

“Mikey-”

I held a hand up quickly, noticing how agitated Mikey seemed to be getting. 

“Gerard, it's okay if you gotta go help for a second. I'll survive.”

He looked down at me and sighed softly. “Are you sure?”

“Absolutely.”

Mikey looked at me in the mirror and I swallowed hard. He didn't seem grateful or happy, just plain  _ scared _ , of what I had no idea. He kept wringing his hands as Gerard put his tools down, and shifted his gaze from me to watch his brother closely. 

“I'll be right back,” Gerard muttered, hurrying over and gently pushing Mikey out of the room. The door clicked shut behind them and I sighed, rubbing the bridge of my nose. 

I hadn't been able to look away from the younger man, noticing everything from the way a lock of his hair was brushing his cheek to the tight skinny jeans that crumpled at his ankles. He clearly had style and was certainly a very handsome looking guy, but the way he held himself was exactly the way Gerard had described - wound tightly. He'd looked ready to run at any second, and his hands had trembled at his sides.

And the way he’d looked at me had been so uncertain and afraid, I'd just wanted to get up and give him a hug. 

 

I jumped when Gerard walked back in, and he smiled at me tiredly. “Sorry about that.”

“It's fine...I just..”

“Don't understand? I don't either, most of the time. He  _ has  _ to count his calories or he has a major meltdown for whatever reason and he's really...he's very very protective of his habits. He he eats at the same time every day, each meal at a set time, he goes to sleep at the same time every night...it's just how he is, I guess.”

Gerard picked up his scissors again and I sighed quietly. 

“Does he limit his calories or something?”

“No, he just counts them. He hates not knowing what he's eaten, I guess.” Gerard chuckled and shook his head slightly. “He used an app for a while on his phone and it ran out of space, he had to move his food diary to google docs.” 

“He seemed kind of...scared almost..”

Gerard shrugged and ran a hand through his hair, glancing up to make eye contact with me in the mirror. “He's...it makes him very anxious, and he knows that, so it's kind of like a double whammy because he knows he's going to get anxious so he gets scared of getting anxious and it kind of all blows up from there..” 

I nodded slightly, leaning back in my chair again. “He's uh...he seems like a um..”

Gerard's hazel eyes suddenly shot up and he stared at me intently. “He's attractive, yes.”

“I didn’t-”

“That's what you were talking around, Frank. I'm not stupid, remember..”

I shrugged and rolled my eyes slightly. “Fine, he's cute.”

“He's also eleven years younger than you..”

I blinked. “Really? He seemed...I dunno.”

Gerard smiled to himself humorlessly and went back to combing through my hair. “You're pretty cute yourself, but he won't be interested, I'd go bark up a different tree if I were you.”

“I didn't say anything like that, Gerard.”

He sighed and squeezed my shoulder briefly. “I know. I'm just a little too protective, he's like my baby. And you...you're like two weeks out of a very long term relationship. You seem like a nice guy, but my brother deserves better than to be a rebound.”

“I still wasn't-”

“I  _ know.  _ I'm just making a point. But...um. It's a long story that I'm gonna need to tell you another time, but Mikey is doing some courses at the moment that he's kind of struggling with a bit, and he could do with a hand if you're up for it. They're nothing particularly special, and I'm sure you'd be able to help and I could probably afford to pay you.”

I rolled my eyes as Gerard finally finished brushing out my hair and stepped back for a final look. “You can pay me in haircuts, I really like it, Gerard!”

He grinned and unclipped the cape, whisking it away quickly and hanging it up. “I'm glad. I think that suits you a lot more.”

“It's certainly much more classy.”

Gerard smiled and stepped back slightly as I stood up. “Maybe you should come to lunch with me and Mikey sometime. Get to know him a little before you start to tutor him.”

“Uh, yeah, that would be great! And I'd be happy to help as much as I can. I wasn't the best student.”

Gerard shrugged and started walking me towards the door. “With Mikey, I think a lot of it is emotional support, too. He can do most of it, he just gets kind of panicked because he thinks he can't.” 

“I failed a lot of tests cause of something similar,” I chuckled, shaking my head. “I'll do my best to help.”

“Perfect, I'll text you about meeting up for lunch,” Gerard hummed, opening the front door for me. “I'll see you soon, Frank.” 

“Seeya.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you guys liked this first appearance of 22 year old Mikey!   
> It all kind of kicks off in the next chapter, just so you're aware. It's not overly graphic, but there is some blood


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a reminder that this chapter has some upsetting scenes and blood <3 be safe

M

Brendon grinned at me as I laid back on the grass, staring up at the sky. He was on his side next to me, propped up on one elbow. 

“Isn't this better than being at school?” He purred, winking at me. I smiled slightly and shrugged. 

“My brother will try to murder me when I get home, but yeah.”

Brendon pulled a face and moved one of his hands to my chest. “He's such a downer. I feel bad for his boyfriend.”

I frowned slightly and tried to sit up, but Brendon pushed me back gently. “Gerard is a good guy, he's just protective.”

Brendon smiled vaguely and shook his head slightly. “It was a joke, Mikey. Loosen up.”

“Oh. Sorry, Bren.”

“S’okay. Hey, I found this really cool clearing in the  woods the other day, you wanna go check it out? It's really pretty.”

I blinked and sat up, stretching a bit. “Sure, sounds like fun..”

I just wanted to get up and walking, to shake away the memory of Brendon's harsh words. 

“Mhm.”

Brendon grabbed his backpack and jogged to catch up with me, taking my hand as he steered me down one of the footpaths. 

We walked in silence for a minute or two, aside from the odd jingling noise Brendon's backpack made every few steps, and then he suddenly pulled me off the path and through a bush into a small clearing. 

It was pretty, as advertised, with dappled sunlight coming through the trees and a stream running nearby. Brendon tugged a picnic blanket out of his bag and laid it down on the grass, then sat down and patted the blanket next to him. 

“Come sit with me, Mikey..”

I nodded slightly, sitting down next to him and glancing around. “It's nice..”

“Mhm. Romantic, right?”

I nodded again, taking a deep breath and looking up at Brendon. He smiled at me and I relaxed, leaning against his side slightly. 

“You're so cute, Mikey. So cute,” he murmured, carefully pulling me into a soft kiss. I smiled against his lips, running a hand up his neck tentatively and brushing my fingertips over his jaw.

Brendon started to pull me deeper, lifting me into his lap without breaking the kiss. I draped my arms over his shoulders, elated at how natural everything felt all of a sudden. He rested a hand on my thigh and I just pulled him deeper, kissing him a little faster. 

Brendon slid his hand higher, and before I could stop him, he was caressing my crotch through my jeans. I broke away quickly, trying to slip off his lap. “Brendon, I'm not-”

“Shh, Mikey, shh, it's okay..” He soothed, pulling me back gently. “You'll like it, I promise. Let me show you..”

I stared into his eyes, my breaths coming quick and shallow as I scrambled to put coherent thoughts together. He smiled at me and something inside me melted. 

“O-okay..”

Brendon's grin widened and he was suddenly unzipping my jeans, pushing his hand inside and up against my boxer-clad cock. I gasped and tensed up, but didn't pull away, just trembling as he rubbed my back with his spare hand. 

“That's it, Mikey...it's okay, cutie…”

I shifted uncomfortably, feeling Brendon's fingers stroking up and down my shaft slowly. I knew I was starting to get hard under his touch, but I felt nauseous rather than pleasured. 

“Brendon, I wanna stop, I-”

“Don't be silly, Mikey, we haven't gotten to the best bit yet. Come on, I set all this up for you, you can't back out now..” 

I swallowed hard, trying to wriggle away still, but no longer protesting. Brendon smiled to himself, continuing to stroke me through the fabric for a couple minutes, then grabbing the waistband of my boxers and tugging it down quickly, uncovering my junk. I gasped and tried to slap his hands away, desperately tucking everything back away as he grabbed at my hips. 

“Brendon! I don't want to!”

He gritted his teeth and I froze, my whole body starting to tremble. 

“I  _ told  _ you, we haven't gotten to the best bit yet,” he repeated, his voice suddenly low and slightly shaky. “Maybe we should just skip ahead..”

I squeaked as Brendon grabbed at my sides, throwing me down on my stomach on the blanket and pinning me down with one knee on the small of my back. 

“Shit! B-Brendon! L-let go! I don't want this!”

He grabbed my belt and jerked my jeans down, growling to himself softly as I felt the cold air against my exposed skin. 

~

I rolled over, staring at the trees vacantly. My shirt was laying nearby, ripped beyond repair. My skin was smeared with dirt and in some places, I could see bruises already forming. There was a cut on my arm that was throbbing dully, and my wrists were smeared with thick red blood. 

I managed to heave myself to my feet, wincing in pain and glancing around. I pulled my boxers and jeans up slowly and carefully, gritting my teeth against the pain before bending down to pick up my jacket and wallet. I saw the spot of blood on the fake leather, but didn't really process what it was, just staring at it numbly for a few seconds. 

I finally zipped the jacket over my bare chest, all the way up to my throat, and slipped my bus card out of my wallet, limping off towards the path. 

~

“Gerard?”

Chris was home. 

_ Shit.  _

It was only two, he'd know I skipped school. I hung my keys up on the hook, then kicked off my shoes and ran a hand through my hair. I heard footsteps and looked up fearfully, my chest tightening as Chris walked towards me slowly, his eyebrows furrowed. 

“Mikey..?”

I nodded slightly and shuffled forward, trying to get past him. “I need to go upstairs, I-”

“Mikey, you're bleeding, what happened?”

I looked down at the blood oozing from my wrists and dripping off my fingers, shaking my head and immediately regretting it as the room seemed to spin around me. “It's fine, I need to go-”

Chris dragged me into the kitchen, unzipping my jacket and gently pulling it off my shoulders before flicking the lights on as he took my hands, checking over my arms and my battered wrists. “Holy shit...that's...these are bad bruises, Mikey, did someone beat you up? And your wrists are bleeding...did...were you attacked?” 

I shook my head slowly, the tips of my fingers numb. I was starting to shut down, the edges of my vision closing in slightly. Chris gently turned me around, then froze. 

“Holy...okay. Mikey, I'm gonna take you to the police station, hon. We’ll meet Gerard there, okay? It's okay, Mikey. It's okay, you're safe now. Wait here, I'll go get you a change of clothes..”

I nodded again, wincing as Chris hurried off. I swayed slightly, my vision closing in again as I felt myself falling. 

~

I woke up in a small room I didn't recognize, a blanket wrapped around me tightly. The door was open a crack and I could hear Chris talking, it sounded like he was on the phone. 

“Chris?”

He stopped and the door swung open slightly. A woman wearing scrubs stuck her head into the room, smiling at me. “Hi, Mikey, I'm Nurse Warren, can I come in?”

I nodded slightly and she bustled in, quickly followed by Chris, who was just slipping his phone into his pocket. 

I squinted at them both, rubbing the bridge of my nose. “My head hurts..”

Chris winced and crouched down in front of me, rubbing my knee lightly. “You passed out on the floor, hon...look, we’re at the police station, okay? They want to run some tests and they want to have a brief chat with you..”

“I haven't done anything wrong,” I mumbled shakily, frowning at the nurse. She smiled sadly and nodded slowly. 

“We know that, Mikey. It's okay. We just want to prove that you didn't do anything wrong.” 

I swallowed hard, looking back at Chris. “I don't understand..”

Chris sighed and squeezed my knee gently. “Mikey, you need to go get examined, okay? For me and Gerard. And then all you gotta do is answer a few questions. By then, Gerard will be here and we’ll take you home to rest, okay? But for now I need you to cooperate, and sign the form the nurse gives you.”

“O-okay..”

~

The policeman finally left the room and Chris started to rub my shoulder slowly, soothingly. 

“It's okay, Mikey. You're doing really well..”

A quiet knock at the door made me jump and Chris got up quickly, slipping out but once more leaving the door open just slightly. 

I could hear Gerard's voice, a little frantic, but couldn't really make out what he was saying. I caught a couple words of Chris's, but didn't really understand. 

“...he hasn't even cried….I don't know. I don't think he's really processing...okay...yeah..”

The door suddenly swung open and my brother rushed in, leaning over me and pulling me into an almost bone-crushing hug. 

“Shit, Mikey...oh Mikey, I'm so sorry..”

I sat still, staring off into space as I tried to shake off the sleepy, groggy numbness. 

Gerard suddenly pulled away from the hug, cupping my face in his hands and searching my eyes anxiously for a few seconds before stepping back slightly to look me over properly. I was wearing the sweatpants and tee shirt Chris had picked up for me, and the blanket was still draped over my shoulders. 

“My brave little brother..” Gerard mumbled, sniffling a bit as he stroked the backs of his fingers down my cheek shakily. “I'm so proud of you. You've done so well, Mikey, it's time to go home. I'm gonna run you a really nice, warm bath, yeah? And then we’re gonna watch movies in bed...okay? I love you, Mikey. So so much. I love you, let's go home…”

I let Gerard pull me to my feet, leaning into him as he wrapped an arm around my waist and led me out of the room slowly. Chris gently dragged me away from Gerard a couple steps, then bent down and scooped me up easily, holding me bridal style as he walked down the white tiled hallways. I let my head loll against his chest, my body feeling heavy and cumbersome as I closed my eyes. 

~

I clung to Gerard's arm as he lowered me into the warm water, helping me sit down just as Chris knocked on the door, sticking his head into the bathroom. I sank under the layer of bubbles slightly, looking away from him as my cheeks started to heat up again. 

“I feel like a spare part, what can I do, Gee?”

Gerard sighed and shook his head slightly, opening a cupboard and pulling out a first aid kit and some baby soap. “Nothing, Chris. Just….go downstairs. This is probably gonna take a while.”

“Okay. Call my cell if you need anything.”

“Mhm.”

Chris shut the door behind him and I let myself relax, poking at a mound of bubbles as Gerard knelt down next to the tub. 

“Are you gonna let me wash you off, Mikey?” He asked softly, smiling at me sadly as he rubbed my knee. “I need to get you properly clean, hon.”

“The doctors cleaned-”

“I know, I mean everywhere else, Mikey,” Gerard answered patiently. 

I nodded slightly and he leaned over, starting to scrub the dirt off my arms as gently as he could. 

I watched him shakily, sniffling every now and then. “Gee?”

“Yes, Mikey?”

“Why don't I feel anything?”

Gerard looked up at me and my breath hitched as a tear rolled down his cheek slowly. He brushed it away quickly and sighed softly. 

“You're still in shock, Mikey. Your brain is like...it's really scared and overloaded and it doesn't know what to do so it’s shut itself down. It'll pass, I promise. Can you tell me about it, Mikey? Talk to me, sweetie. I didn't read the interview thing..”

I looked down, tensing slightly as Gerard started to clean off my thighs. 

“Brendon and I went to the woods. He kissed me and it was nice and then he started to touch me..” I sniffed a bit, my hands beginning to shake. “He told me it was okay even though I was trying to tell him I didn't like it and he said we hadn't gotten to the good bit yet...a-and..”

I looked up at Gerard's face as he watched me, pain etched into every last part of his expression, and lost it completely. 

“H-he wouldn't s-stop, Gee!”

Gerard grabbed me quickly, pulling me into a tight, soothing hug as I finally started to sob, my entire body heaving against my brother’s as he held me in his arms. “I've got you, Mikey. I've got you, little one. Everything’s gonna be okay, I'm not letting go. I'm not. I love you so so much and you didn't do  _ anything _ wrong, Mikey.”

I buried my face in Gerard's neck, digging my nails into his shoulder as I let it all flood out. 

~

Gerard helped me lay down in his bed, rubbing my side slowly as I settled with my head on the pillow. “That's it..” He murmured, tugging a blanket over me and kissing the side of my head. He got in next to me, laying on his side to face me as he gently took my hands, holding onto them tightly. 

“I'm sorry..” I mumbled, looking away, anywhere but him. “I should have listened to you, I-”

“No, Mikey, this isn't your fault,” Gerard soothed, smiling at me in a way that was probably supposed to be reassuring as he rubbed my shoulder. “It's not your fault, okay? None of it, and you don't have to apologize..”

I sniffed a bit, my eyes stinging as I took in a shuddery breath. Gerard scooted closer to me, hugging me tightly and kissing the side of my head. “It's okay to cry, Mikey, but you're gonna get a headache, hon.”

I nodded slightly, sniffing again. “I shouldn't have...I should have known...he kept touching me when I didn't really want it...I'm so stupid..”

Gerard sighed and started to stroke my hair slowly, pulling me just a tiny bit closer to him. “You're not stupid, Mikey. You're just inexperienced and a little vulnerable. People like him...they pick people like you on purpose. Kids who don't know what it's supposed to be like and have low self esteem, because they don't...they don't know. They don't know when enough is enough and when something isn't really okay..”

I let out a soft breath and Gerard squeezed me gently. “Are the painkillers kicking in yet?”

I nodded and curled up a bit, my limbs shaking slightly. “Yeah. I just feel...weird. Like I don't belong in my body..”

Gerard sighed and kissed my forehead softly. “That's probably not the pills, Mikey. You should maybe try and get more rest...or I can get my laptop? We could watch a movie?”

I shrugged just as there was a quiet knock on the door. 

“Come in..”

Chris slipped into the room, carrying a plastic shopping bag. He glanced at me worriedly, then walked over to Gerard, setting the bag down on the bed awkwardly. “I ran to the store and got some things...um. I'm gonna go downstairs for a while, but if you need me, I'm not going to bed yet..”

Gerard sat up and pulled Chris down into a quick kiss. “Thanks, baby. For everything today.” 

Chris smiled slightly and looked over at me again. “I hope you feel better in the morning, Mikey.”

I nodded and curled up a little tighter, watching him leave the room quietly. Gerard pulled the bag into his lap, starting to go through it.

“Um. There's some heat packs,” he mumbled, taking them out and setting them on the bed. “A bunch of pain medication, some sleep aids, tons of chocolate, and deli mac n cheese. You ought to eat something, Mikes, anything sound good?”

I shrugged and Gerard pulled out the little styrofoam cup and plastic fork, handing them to me. “You need help sitting up?”

I shook my head sleepily, popping the lid off the cup. “I can eat like this.” 

“If you say so. Don't spill any..”

I smiled slightly and Gerard leaned over, kissing my forehead as he moved the bag aside. He fiddled with the heat packs for a second, then placed one against my lower back and another on the worst bruise on my ribs. 

“You're supposed to put cold on bruises, just so you know, but that's good enough for now.”

I shrugged and started to eat quietly, surprised by how hungry I was. Gerard watched me worriedly, running a hand through his hair every now and then until I was finished. 

“You ready for bed?” He asked softly, as soon as I was done. I nodded and stretched a bit, then rolled over onto my other side, curling up tighter. Gerard sighed and flicked the lights off, then laid down behind me. I shifted slightly and Gerard scooted closer to me, rubbing my side lightly before wrapping his arm around me.

“I've got you...get some rest, Mikey..”

I grunted softly and closed my eyes, letting everything just shut down as I drifted off. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Poor Mikey...


	10. Chapter 10

G

I sat up, stroking down Mikey's side slowly. He shifted slightly, letting out a soft groan, so I leaned over him and kissed his temple. 

“It's alright, Mikey. I'll wake you in an hour..”

I climbed out of my bed slowly, carefully, then hurried down the hall quietly and slipped into Mikey's room, climbing under the covers and pressing my body to Chris's. 

He grunted and threw an arm around me sleepily, and I leaned up to kiss his cheek. “Chrissy.”

“Mm..”

“Cuddle...proper cuddle?”

He heaved a huge sigh and opened his sharp golden eyes slowly, squinting at me. “It's too early..”

“I'm supposed to take Mikey to school in an hour and a half. I wanted an hour with you.”

Chris blinked and kissed my forehead lightly, pulling me towards him as he rolled onto his back, so I ended up curled against his body with my head and one shoulder resting on his chest. 

“That's today, huh? I can't believe he wants to go back...it's only been a few days.” 

I sighed and ran my fingers down Chris's chest, shrugging slightly. “I can't stop him if he thinks it'll help, and he's been really really anxious about missing more school. He's such a good kid.”

Chris nodded slightly, wrapping his arms around me tightly. “He is. Just...I’ll be around all day, right? So he can call me if he needs picking up, rather than you dropping work to go, it'll maybe make him less worried if he knows there's an easy way out.”

“Thanks..”

“Mhm.”

He trailed a fingertip down my spine and I let my eyes slip closed as I relaxed against his body. 

“I love you, Gee.”

I hesitated, keeping my eyes shut.  _ Love? _ It seemed quick, but we had been intimate. He had been there for me, and still was despite everything that had happened with Mikey, and the fact that I was still sleeping with my baby brother instead of with him. And cuddling like this just seemed so natural and easy. 

“I love you too, Chris.”

“Good.”

There was a short pause and I nuzzled Chris's chest, spreading my fingers on his side as I sank into the silence comfortably. 

“How was he, yesterday? I'm sorry I was out so late.”

I blinked and sighed. “It's okay, I understand. He's better, I guess. Still shaky and kind of jumpy. He kept asking about my first time, and then when I wouldn't tell him, he got really sad...I dunno. He's erratic and moody and frightened. I guess what you'd expect..”

“Yeah, I guess,” Chris sighed, squeezing me gently. “I've never really been around this kind of stuff before.”

“Me neither, Chrissy. I just...I can't stand seeing him so hurt..” 

“I know, but I'm proud of you, Gee. You do so well with him.”

I smiled slightly and stretched up to kiss him quickly. “Thanks, baby. I just...I feel like it's never gonna be enough.”

Chris shrugged and sighed, looking up at the ceiling. “You're probably right, Gee. I mean, the only thing that would be enough is if you built a time machine, really. But that doesn't mean you can't still try your best..”

I nodded slightly, reaching down and running my hand up under Chris's shirt, feeling over his hot skin. I kissed him again lightly and he sat up, slipping his shirt off before laying back down and pulling me close. 

“Better?”

“Mhm.”

I closed my eyes and Chris started to stroke down my back, soothing and slow as I began to drift off. 

~

I got up half an hour later, leaving Chris to sleep as I wandered downstairs. I made Mikey lunch, which I rarely ever had time for, and even packed his backpack for him all ready to go. 

I got his favorite comfortable outfit from his room and left it in my bathroom for when he got up, then walked back to Mikey's room, leaning in the doorway as I watched Chris snore softly, his long hair wild on the pillow. It was soothing to me somehow, and helped to alleviate some of my anxiety. 

I was worried sick about dropping Mikey off, and I hated the idea of him getting hurt or upset at school, where I couldn't easily reach him. I wanted to glue him to my side. 

I checked my watch and sighed, wandering back to my room slowly. I pushed the door open and walked over to the bed, starting to shake his shoulder slightly. 

“Mikey...Mikey, hon..”

He grunted and shifted away from me, his body tensing. 

“Mikey, it's just me. You wanted to go to school today, remember? You gotta get up, hon.”

Mikey tried to smack my hand away and I chuckled, lifting him up into a sitting position. He glared at me sleepily and I hugged him loosely. 

“Come on. I put your clothes in my bathroom, yeah? Go get dressed, I'll get your breakfast ready. Love you, Mikey..”

~

I felt hands on my sides as I tipped the egg onto a plate. 

“Looks good, baby,” Chris murmured, his voice husky from sleep. He leaned down, kissing my neck softly as he rubbed my hips slowly, soothingly. “You look worried...I'm gonna be here all day, remember. All day, sweetie.”

“I know, but you won't be at school with him.”

“True. Won't Pete?”

“Yeah, he's told Pete about what happened, but he has the dentist in the morning..”

Chris sighed and stepped away as I gently pushed him back to carry the plate to the breakfast bar. 

“He's a strong kid, Gee.”

“I know, I know..”

I set the plate down and Chris caught my hip gently as I tried to walk past him to the fridge, pulling my body against his chest easily. “Gerard. You can't be worried about Mikey all day, you need to take some deep breaths and let go, like we’ve practiced, yeah? You need to be able to get some work done.”

I met his concerned gaze and nodded slightly, wrapping my arms around his waist loosely. “Easier said than done.”

“I know.”

I heard footsteps and quickly let go to turn. Mikey was making a beeline for his breakfast, climbing up on one of the stools sleepily. 

“I'm gonna go get my shower,” Chris announced to the room in general as Mikey tucked into his eggs and sausages. “I'll see you later, Mikey. Have a good day..”

Mikey nodded at him vaguely and I gave him a quick kiss before he headed off upstairs. I sighed and Mikey shifted, watching me worriedly. 

“I'm fine..”

“Is he-”

“We're both fine, Mikey,” I soothed, walking over and leaning my elbows on the counter in front of him. “He's gonna be here all day, so if you wanna go home, just text him, okay?”

“Okay.”

Mikey finished his breakfast in record time and I managed to load him into the car, letting him turn the radio up as we set off. 

~

As soon as I turned into the parking lot, I started to feel sick. I pulled the car up in a space and looked over at my little brother. “You okay?”

He sighed and looked down at his knees, then shrugged. “I'm not sure. I'm nervous.”

“I bet. Pete will be there most of the day, though. The staff know you're having a hard time, and either Chris or I will come pick you up if you need us to...if you make it through the whole day, Mikes, I'll come pick you up right after they let out and we’ll go to that ice cream place you really like. Sound good?”

Mikey nodded, looking up at me with wide, scared eyes. I wanted nothing more than to floor it away from the school and take him home for cuddles and cartoons, but I knew I couldn't pamper him forever, and it had been his choice. I had to support him making the right kinds of choices, it wasn't like anyone else did. 

“You're gonna be okay, Mikey. I love you, you should head inside.”

“I love you too..”

I leaned over and kissed the side of his head, then watched him get out, waving as he shut the car door behind him and walked off slowly. 

~

I was just setting up for the work day at home when my phone rang. I picked it up immediately, fumbling to press the answer button clumsily. 

“Hello?”

“Hi, is this Gerard Way?”

My heart sank and I took a deep breath. “Yeah?”

“You're listed as an emergency contact for Michael Way, he needs picking up from the nurse’s office as soon as you're available.”

I glanced at the clock and winced. I had a client in ten minutes. “Can my partner come pick him up? Is he okay?”

“Michael has had a panic attack. He's not been harmed at all, but the nurse has advised that he should go home for the rest of the day, and the principal would like to speak with you. I'm afraid you'll have to come in person.”

“Crap. Alright, I'll be there in under fifteen minutes, tell him I'll be there soon.”

“Okay..”

 

I parked the car in what was probably a teacher space and jumped out, running up the steps and into the office building. The receptionist smiled at me. 

“You must be Gerard Way.”

“I am, yeah. Where's Mikey?”

“He's in the principal’s office, down the hall and the third door on the right. He's not in any trouble.”

“Thanks.”

I jogged down the hall, getting the horrible feeling that the receptionist was lying in an oddly cheerful way. I pushed the third door open and immediately hurried to Mikey, leaning down to hug him tightly. 

He grabbed onto my sides, clinging to the material of my coat so hard I struggled to pull away. I took the other chair, smiling anxiously at the slightly intimidating woman across the desk. Mikey was staring at me, his hands trembling in his lap. 

“Hi, I'm Gerard,” I rushed out, glancing at the woman as I gently grabbed onto one of Mikey's hands, squeezing tightly. 

“I'm Principal Thompkins. I'll get straight to the point, Mikey is struggling with some of the other kids at the school currently, and due to the information you've given us, I think he would be best spending some time out of school.”

Mikey took a sharp breath in and opened his mouth, but the grey-haired woman sent him a stern look and he glared at the desk. 

“Are you able to take him out of-”

“Mikey, what were you gonna say?” I murmured, purposely interrupting the principal. He glanced at me worriedly, then shrugged.  

“It's not that I'm struggling with kids at school, it's that they're actively harassing me.” His voice shook slightly and I squeezed his hand, watching him worriedly as he looked down again. 

“That's beside the point, I-”

I looked at the principal calmly. “I don't think it should be beside the point. What happened, Mikey?”

Mikey glanced at me again and I smiled at him encouragingly, rubbing my thumb over his skin slowly. 

“Someone wrote on my locker that I was a slut. And um...Steven stopped me on my way to my first class and was making a scene, calling me a slut too. He asked if I was getting my good grades by having sex with the teachers and then told a group of kids that were watching that I'd falsely accused Brendon of rape. I tried to walk past him and he grabbed my ass, making a joke about me being easy and saying that I probably needed the payout money because apparently you're a druggie, Gerard. Despite the fact that I'm not getting any compensation.”

I rolled my eyes and scooted my chair slightly closer to Mikey's, his flat and disconnected tone making me feel slightly nauseous. “Don't listen, yeah? Did you have the panic attack when he touched you?”

Mikey nodded, staring at his lap again instead of looking at me. “Yeah, I ran into the classroom and then I couldn't breathe..”

I looked up at the principal and shook my head slightly. “He's had problems with Steven Nguyen before. He's told him to kill himself, called him anorexic, and a whole bunch of other nasty things...I don't think this should be allowed to continue..”

The principal sighed loudly and officiously. “Just take him out of school for a week, this will all blow over by then.”

Mikey tried to stand up, but rage immediately constricted my throat and I glared at the suddenly much more ugly woman. “Excuse me? You're not going to address the problem? This kid has been bullying my brother for  _ months  _ and sexually assaulted him? And you're going to do  _ nothing _ ? How-”

Mikey jerked on my hand gently and I froze as I looked up at him and saw the tears forming in his chocolate brown eyes. I got up quickly, shooting the principal a residual glare.  

“I will be talking to the school board, and if something isn't done, I will consider legal action,” I snapped, then gently ushered Mikey out of the door. As soon as we were out of the building, I wrapped an arm around Mikey's waist, pulling him close into my side as I led him to the car. He was still shaking slightly, and I decided against trying to talk to him until he'd finished buckling his seatbelt. 

“I'm sorry, I made a scene and-”

“You stood up for me,” Mikey mumbled in a thick, low voice as he stared out of the car window. 

“I always will,” I said firmly, flashing him a quick smile. “I'm proud of you, Mikey. You're very brave.”

“I don't fight back.”

“No, but fighting back makes it worse most of the time. I was so proud of you for just walking through those doors this morning, Mikey. I'm gonna take you for ice cream later, okay? At lunchtime, when I have a break. Are you feeling okay?”

Mikey let out a soft sigh and rubbed his hoodie sleeve over his cheeks. “A little sick and a little light headed.”

“You can go back to bed if you want. I'll phone Pete's mum about him coming over later or something and-”

“No.”

“Why not?”

“He's the only one at school that I told about Brendon.”

I paused, taking a few slow breaths. “Mikey, honey, the uni campus is practically on top of the high school. I'm  _ sure  _ that word got around in other ways. Brendon's friends would have known it was you and it was in the news, right? Pete would never do anything like that to you.”

Mikey sniffed and I tightened my grip on the steering wheel. “I don't know who to trust anymore.”

“Trust me, Mikes. I trust Pete, he's been your best friend since you were five.”

~

Chris hugged me tightly, rubbing up and down my back slowly as I sobbed into his chest ever so softly. 

“Shh, Gee. It's alright, baby. It's okay. Come sit down with me..”

He gently steered me over to the couch and I sat down reluctantly, sniffling loudly. “I'm s-supposed to take Mikey and P-Pete for ice cream in half an hour..”

Chris guided me into his lap, stroking the backs of his fingers over my cheek soothingly. “Hey. You've got plenty of time for a cuddle, baby. It's okay, really. Try and take deep breaths...that's it..”

I shuddered as I curled up, my side against Chris's chest, his arms wrapped around me as tightly as possible.

“We’ll talk to the school board and if they keep being assholes, then we’ll sue the shit out of them. Mikey will be okay, you've done everything you can, Gee. You haven't done anything wrong, you've been such a good brother..”

I nodded slightly, burying my face in Chris's neck in a vain attempt to stop the tears from flowing. 

“I'm really proud of you, Gee, as well as of Mikey. You've done so much better than your mom could ever have managed, and you'll always be there to keep helping him..”

I heard footsteps upstairs and quickly slid off Chris's lap, trying to dry my eyes as he stroked my hair slowly. 

“It's not really saying much when you say I'm doing better than my mom,” I pointed out with a small smile. Chris chuckled and leaned over, kissing my cheek softly. “Mm, I know, baby. But you know what I meant.”

I nodded, still smiling to myself as I rubbed the bridge of my nose lightly. “I love you, y'know..”

“Mhm. I love you too..”

I looked up at Chris and he grinned before pulling me into a brief kiss. “You've got some teenagers to take out. I'm gonna have to go to my apartment tonight, baby, I have some things to sort out, but anytime after nine, I'll be around to chat if you need me, okay?”

I nodded and stood up slowly, stretching as I heard Mikey and Pete coming down the stairs. “Alright, Chrissy. Will you be here for dinner?”

“No, I'm sorry, I have to leave at four.”

“That's okay...we’ll just order your favorite,” I teased, earning myself a gentle smack on the thigh. 

“Whatever. Go on, Gee..”

I smiled and walked into the hallway. Mikey was sitting on the bottom step, tugging his shoes on while Pete put his coat on. 

“You guys ready to go?”

Pete nodded slightly and I noticed the red rims around Mikey's eyes as he lifted his head. 

“Everything okay?” I said quickly, shrugging my own coat on. Pete shot me a worried look, but Mikey just shrugged. 

“I'm fine.”

“Why don't you go get in the car, Mikes?” I suggested, handing him my keys. “I wanna talk to Pete for a second.”

“But-”

“Go on.”

Mikey rolled his eyes and got up, slamming the front door behind him as he walked out. I looked at Pete expectantly and he sighed. 

“He accused me of telling everyone at school and then had a mini breakdown. He's okay, I think, just really shaken up by what happened at school. And um...he’ll kill me in my sleep if he finds out I told you this, but he's considering dropping out of school.”

I nodded slightly and ran a hand through my hair. “Thanks for being honest with me, Pete, I won't mention it to him, I promise. I'm gonna try and sort this principal bitch out and get him back again soon. Hopefully if things smooth over he’ll get back into it okay..”

Pete sighed and shrugged. “I wouldn't be too hopeful with Steven Nguyen, he's on the football team and his parents are loaded, they give tons of money to the school. If they discipline him, they’ll lose a whole lot of funding.”

I rolled my eyes and shoved my hands in my pockets. “Then I guess I'll have to sue them. Let's go get ice cream, yeah?”

“You know he can tell you've been crying too, right? It's kind of obvious.”

I nodded and opened the front door. “He can always tell but I can't do a whole lot about it. I'm just worried about him, that's all.”

Pete nodded and slipped outside, heading towards the car quietly. 

~

I made sure Mikey was fast asleep before slipping out of bed, pulling the blanket over him a little more as I padded down the hall. He'd spent the whole day with Pete, who had even stayed for dinner, and it had seemed to help him relax. He'd fallen asleep much earlier than usual, which was really helpful for me, as well as good for him. 

I wandered downstairs slowly, opening the fridge and glancing over the contents. Nestled in the shelf on the door was a bottle of beer from a six pack Chris had left in the house. I stared at it for a while, taking a deep breath. I looked down at my wrists and winced, then shut the fridge door and sat down on the floor with my back against it as I stared at the tiles under my feet. 

_ Mikey is hurting because of you.  _

I'd managed to drown out the voice over the years, I’d gotten good at ignoring it and making it shut up. Chris had been helping, and taking care of Mikey and falling asleep next to him every night was a decent distraction. But it had always been there and always would be, the voice that hated me. I knew it was the part of me that would always hate the rest of me, the part that kept a lair in the back of my brain and would pull strings every now and then to see what would happen. 

_ It's your fault. You're a shitty brother. A shitty person.  _

It had been trying to tell me lately that I didn't deserve Chris, that Mikey only liked to stay with me because Mom was so terrible. 

Years ago, when I had first started to drink just to make it go away, it had reminded me that there was no escape from myself. It had told me to _ just have one more. It's not like it makes any difference anyway, right? It's not like alcohol will make you any fatter or less popular or any less of a piece of shit.  _

It had even egged me on when I had dug the knife into my wrist, and had been there when I woke up in hospital to scream at me about how I had been so stupid and how badly I had hurt Mikey. 

Now, it was hissing at me from its corner, trying its hardest to get me to listen. 

I buried my face in my hands, then ran my fingers up into my hair.

_ One won't hurt now. It'll take the edge off. _

I got up and wrenched the fridge door open, snatching the bottle up. I popped the cap off easily and took a long, long gulp. 

As soon as the hot feeling settled in my stomach, I nearly threw up, completely and utterly disgusted with myself. I kicked the fridge door closed again and poured away the rest of the beer before throwing the bottle in the recycling. I hurried out of the kitchen and collapsed onto the couch instead, curling up. 

_ You piece of shit. You were gonna get drunk and hurt him even more. _

My phone rang suddenly and I picked it up quickly, immediately panicked that it would wake Mikey. 

“Hey baby..”

My shoulders dropped and I took a deep breath. “Hey, Chris..”

“You okay? You sound a bit shaken..”

“Me? Yeah, no, I'm okay. Mikey had another nightmare, that's all.”

“Oh. Is he asleep now?”

“Yeah, he's fine...how are you? Everything okay with you, Chris? I miss you..” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's not much of Gerard's POV in this story, but I hope you enjoyed it anyway <3   
> I don't think there's many chapters left in the past storyline :)  
> Sorry I didn't have time to edit


	11. Chapter 11

M

Gerard poked his head into my room, smiling at me worriedly. He'd been crying again. 

“I've gotta start work soon, d’you have everything you need?”

I nodded slightly and shifted in bed sleepily. “Pete's coming over, he’ll be here soon.”

“Okay.”

“Are you okay?”

“Chris is leaving next week, I just found out,” Gerard said softly, leaning in the doorway as his smile dissolved. “And um...I kinda need him at the moment. I'm just gonna miss him, that's all.”

“He’ll skype you and stuff,” I pointed out softly and Gerard smiled again, slightly more shakily this time. 

“Yeah, I know. I'm gonna go set up, text me if you need anything.” 

“Okay.” 

~

Pete was gently shaking my shoulder. I sat up quickly, blinking as I struggled to take deep breaths. 

“Hey. Gerard said to let you sleep, but it sounded like you were having a nightmare and-”

I slipped the sweat-soaked shirt off and tossed it to the side, causing Pete to stop mid-sentence, his jaw dropping as he stared at me. I got up, ignoring him as I walked to my wardrobe. “Pete, there's a first aid kit under the bed, could you get it out?”

“Um. Yeah, Mikey, I can. Are...are you okay?”

“Mm. Mostly just bruises,” I mumbled, picking out a clean shirt before glancing at myself in the mirror. My ribs were still all shades of yellow and purple, and there were still visible bruises where Brendon had held me just above my hips, half obscured by the low waistband of my boxers. There was a vague handprint on the inside of my thigh as well, but that was mostly faded by then. 

I sighed and walked back to Pete, not meeting his gaze as I sat down and started to unwrap the gauze from my wrists. 

Pete winced audibly and gently grabbed my hands, pulling them towards him so he could get a good look. 

“What the fuck?”

I stared at the scabs and pus covering my wrists apathetically, the numbness settling in again as Pete inspected the wounds. 

“He had handcuffs,” I said quietly, my voice muffled to my own ears as if over a bad radio connection. “They were the sharp metal kind and they cut into my wrists. Made them bleed.” 

“Fuck..”

Pete opened the kit quickly. “What's-...what can I do? What d’you need?”

I swallowed hard and reached over, pulling out the bottle of antiseptic wash. “I just kind of soak a cotton pad in this and then like...dab it. Clean all the shit away..”

“Okay, okay, lemme do that,” Pete interrupted quickly. “You're shaking, Mikey, you'll spill it everywhere..”

Pete dragged the bin out from under my desk and placed it near the bed, tossing the used bandages in it before sitting down next to me. He soaked a cotton pad carefully, then began to clean the cuts slowly, as gently as he could manage. 

“I've got you, Mikey,” he murmured after a minute or two. “Do you need a distraction?”

I blinked away the memories and looked down at his slightly tan fingers as he worked. “I'm not sure,” I answered slowly, taking a deep breath. “I'm not really getting flashbacks, just…feelings.”

“I'll be done soon, Mikes. I promise..”

“I know.”

He finished on my second wrist and grabbed a larger cotton pad from the box, wrapping it around my joint and over the abrasions, then covering it in gauze to keep it in place. He did the same with my other wrist, then started to pack away the kit. 

“What d’you wanna do today, Mikey? Mom said I could spend today and tomorrow with you, while Gerard's busy. She's worried about you.”

“I'm fine.”

“You're not,” he countered gently, and I shifted my gaze up to meet his as I shook my head just slightly. 

“I'm not.”

“And that's okay.”

Pete hugged me tightly, rubbing my back slowly and soothingly as I buried my face in his shoulder. “You don't have to be okay yet, Mikey. Especially not after yesterday. Do you wanna lie down? We could move to Gerard’s room and watch tv from the bed?”

I sighed deeply and looked down at my hands as Pete pulled away, ignoring them shaking. “I could do with more sleep, but I have trouble falling asleep when no one else is here.”

“That's fine. I’ll nap with you, Mikey.”

I tugged the clean shirt on and then pulled on a pair of basketball shorts before leading Pete down the hall and crawling into Gerard's bed. He got in next to me, picking up the tv remote as I shifted closer to him, my head resting against his chest comfortably. 

“You look sleepy, Mikey.”

“Mnn.”

~

Pete was watching cartoons when I woke up again, this time comfortable and calm. He brushed his fingers through my hair and I let out a soft sigh. 

“You okay?” He asked gently, looking down at me with a small smile. 

“I guess. I'm still kinda tired.”

“It's probably cause your body is trying to heal...you hungry yet? It's close to lunch time.”

I considered this for a few seconds, then shook my head slightly. “No.”

Pete frowned immediately and sat up slightly. “Mikey, you're always hungry, what's going on?”

I sighed and rubbed the bridge of my nose lightly. “I can't stop thinking about the nightmare I had earlier. I keep...I keep feeling like he's touching me..”

Pete blinked, his face softening as his eyebrows went up slightly. “Mikey...I'm sorry..”

I shrugged and dragged myself up, sitting with my back against the headboard and my arms wrapped around my knees. “I'm used to it. I wake up in the night sometimes and I think that...that Gerard is him. I pushed him out of bed once, he wasn't happy with me..”

Pete chuckled softly and sat up next to me, running his hand up and down my back slowly. “I bet. Um..” He looked down at his lap, taking a deep breath. “Do you think...um. Do you think that if you maybe had a nice experience with someone else, that it might cancel out what happened with B-...him?”

I shrugged and rested my chin on my knees. “I don't know, Pete. I don't have anyone to try it with anyway..”

He blinked at me and sighed, stroking my hair out of my face. “Well...you have me..”

I looked at him sharply, shocked. “Yeah, but..” 

Pete chuckled softly, but his shoulders were tense and his hand had stopped on my back. “I mean, maybe not all the way, but I could...I could kiss you. If there's a chance that would help..”

I blinked and then shrugged. “You don't have to if you don't want to.”

Pete just smiled, taking his hand away from my back and moving it to my cheek instead as he shuffled into a slightly easier position. I watched him nervously, keeping my arms tight around my knees. 

Pete kissed my cheek first, ignoring me flinching slightly, then leaned in and pressed his lips to mine ever so softly, slowly increasing the pressure. I kissed back slightly, my hands starting to shake and nausea starting to rise in my stomach as Pete pulled me deeper. 

His other hand came up, rubbing the outside of my thigh, and I lost it completely, shoving him away from me harshly and bolting off the bed and into Gerard's bathroom. 

I made it just in time, throwing up into the sink as my whole body shook. I gagged over and over, breathing heavily as I washed the vomit away and rinsed my mouth. My knees felt weak and I staggered back against the wall, sliding down to sit on the floor as I trembled, my breathing getting shorter and shorter as my chest constricted.

“I didn't think it was  _ that  _ bad..”

Pete smiled at me sadly as he knelt down next to me, rubbing my shoulder slowly. “Try and take deep breaths, Mikey. It's another panic attack, just close your eyes and think of something that makes you happy. Take deep breaths...try and add as much detail as you can, really focus on it..”

I closed my eyes tightly, imagining that I was wrapped up in Gerard's arms, his bright red hair brushing my cheek as I rested my chin on his shoulder. I could smell him, the cologne he always used mixed with the coconut shampoo he liked best. I could start to breathe again, the shaking beginning to fade as Pete pulled me into a gentle hug and out of my memory. 

“I'm sorry, Mikey. I shouldn't have suggested it..”

“S’okay..”

There was a pause and Pete broke away a few seconds later, smiling at me sadly. “How about we go find something to eat? Gerard should be on break now.”

I nodded slightly, getting up and stumbling into the wall. Pete steadied me carefully, trying not to get too close to me. I took a few deep breaths and started walking out of the room, letting Pete trail along behind me. 

 

When I got downstairs, Gerard was making himself a cup of coffee, and looked up at me. “Mikey? You look like death, what's going on?”

“I threw up..”

Gerard set the coffee pot down and walked over to me, cupping my jaw in his hands as he studied my face. “You look pale, do you feel okay?”

“It was another panic attack,” I mumbled, looking away from my brother’s sharp hazel eyes. He sighed and pulled me into a loose hug, kissing the side of my head. 

“What happened?”

“Pete kissed me.”

“Oh..”

I heard footsteps and Gerard let go of me, staring at Pete, who was just walking into the kitchen. Pete blinked and sighed. 

“I thought it might help. He says he still feels...him touching him sometimes.”

Gerard sighed and squeezed my shoulder lightly as I glared at the floor. “I'm sorry, Mikes. Chris and I think it might be good if we take you to therapy...I know you weren't sure before, but it helped me, and I'm sure it'll help you if we can find the right person.”

I shrugged and gently pulled away from him, walking to the fridge. “I'll try anything, Gee.” 

“Good.” 

I tugged a bottle of soda from the door, glancing at the space the beer bottle had occupied. I looked back at Gerard, who was chatting with Pete about something, then sighed. It was just one, I could keep an eye on it. I shut the door and Gerard smiled at me. 

“What d’you want, Mikey?”

“Hmm?”

“For lunch.”

“I'm not really hungry.” 

Gerard stared at me blankly for a couple seconds, then sighed. “There's some of that gingerbread loaf you like in the freezer, you could defrost that, and I'll make you chai again if you want.”

“That sounds perfect, Gerard,” Pete interrupted smoothly, before I could refuse the treat. “Thank you.” 

“No problem. Mikey, go sit down, you look terrible.”

“Thanks,” I mumbled sarcastically, slipping out of the room and throwing myself down on the sofa. Pete followed me a few seconds later, sitting down next to me and picking up the tv remote. “Gerard says he’ll bring it out in a minute.”

“Okay.” 

“He's worried that you're not eating.”

“Okay.”

“Mikey-”

“I'm just not hungry, Pete. Can you please drop it?”

He sighed dramatically and nodded slightly. “Fine, but I'm keeping an eye on you.” 

~

Chris came over after Pete went home and we all had dinner together. I went into the kitchen to help Gerard wash up, glancing towards the living room before shifting slightly closer to him. 

“Gee, there was a beer in the fridge..”

He looked down at me, panic evident in his eyes for the briefest of moments. “Yeah?” He said smoothly. “I threw it out.”

“Did you? Why?”

“Because I was tempted,” Gerard answered simply, smiling at me as he dipped a pan into the soapy water. “You don't need to worry about me, Mikey. It's been hard to see you upset and feel like I can't just make it go away, but I'm handling it..”

I folded my arms over my chest and he grinned, rolling his eyes. “Seriously! I'm okay! Now go get a teatowel so you can help me dry.” 

I sighed and pulled a towel out of the drawer, moving to stand next to him. 

“I love you,” I mumbled, glancing at him briefly as I took the pan from him. 

“I love you too. I'm sorry the whole thing with Pete didn't work.”

“I wasn't overly convinced that it would,” I sighed quietly, drying off the pan and setting it on the counter as Gerard handed me another one. “It was mostly Pete's idea, I think he feels bad for suggesting it.”

Gerard shrugged. “It's not his fault.”

“No, and I'm okay now, so it's not a big deal.”

He nodded slightly and sighed. “Are you gonna be able to sleep on your own tonight?”

I blinked at him, stopping what I was doing just as he had. “Um..”

“I wouldn't really ask except that I'm...Chris is going on tour next week, like I told you...and he's gonna be gone two months...I know it's not your problem, but-”

“It's fine, I'll try. I don't mind trying, I just can't promise anything.”

“I know, and I understand..”

“And it is my problem because you're my brother and I want you to be happy. At least one of us should be.”

Gerard swallowed hard, staring at me despairingly as I tried to focus on drying the pan in my hands. 

“Mikey….Mikey, you'll be happy one day too...I promise.”

“If you say so..”

“I do say so.” 

I shrugged and set the pan aside, forcing a small smile. “Hopefully it'll be soon, right?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm really glad I did this chapter with the whole kiss thing, because I've written too many fics where a person traumatized by rape and abuse has a good experience with a loving partner and all their problems suddenly go away. With this story, I'm trying to stop myself from writing that shit over again, and hopefully making it more realistic in the process.   
> Anyway, this isn't going to be one of those stories (I hope). Let me know what you think and thanks for reading as always!   
> <3


	12. Chapter 12

F

I smoothed my shirt out nervously, staring at my reflection. I was meeting Gerard and Mikey for lunch in half an hour and my fingers wouldn't stop tingling. I hadn't been able to get the younger man off my mind, and the prospect of seeing him again made me feel bubbly. 

Unfortunately, the prospect of seeing Gerard again was less attractive, as I knew I'd probably have to admit to having gotten wasted the night before. 

I picked up my keys at last, then grabbed my coat and slipped out of the front door. 

~

Gerard was waiting at a table when I got to the cafe, so I walked over and sat down across from him. He looked at me and curled his lip slightly. “Frank fucking Iero. You look hungover.”

“Are you fucking kidding me? I even  _ ironed  _ my fucking shirt.”

“You look guilty.”

“Whatever. Yes, Julia butt dialed me last night and had sex with her boyfriend with her phone next to the bed. I have a feeling she did it on purpose and I did hang up, but yeah, not a nice feeling.”

Gerard sighed and rolled his eyes. “You should have called me, Frank.” 

“I thought you'd be busy.” 

“I don't give a shit.”

“Where's Mikey?” I said quickly, ignoring Gerard narrowing his eyes at me. 

“He's in the bathroom. I ordered you a coffee, by the way.”

“Oh, thanks,” I smiled, taking a deep breath. “I've never been here before.”

Gerard shrugged slightly. “They do nice coffee and the grilled cheese is Mikey's favorite in the city.” 

I nodded, glancing across the restaurant and spotting Mikey as he made his way back to the table, his hands shoved into his pockets and his shoulders slouched slightly. I smiled at him and he blinked disinterestedly, then pulled out the chair next to Gerard and sat down. 

“Mikes, this is Frank, he says he might be able to tutor you.”

“Nice to meet you,” he nodded, but without much conviction. Gerard glanced at him and sighed quietly. 

“It's nice to meet you too, Mikey,” I answered more sincerely, trying out another smile. Mikey managed a tiny smile in response, but was sort of staring past me, his knee bouncing continually under the table. 

“Uh.” Gerard blinked, looking lost for the first time since I met him. He kept flicking his gaze back and forth between me and Mikey, and his shoulders seemed tense and shaky. 

“Mikes, Frank plays guitar,” he forced out at last. “So you have like..a common interest.”

Mikey swallowed, shifting his gaze down to the table moodily as the twitchy bouncing of his knee stopped abruptly. “I guess.”

“Do you play, then?” I asked quietly, noticing Gerard shooting me a grateful look. 

“No, I play bass.”

“Oh, that's cool! What kind of music do you like?”

“Classic rock, mostly. Gerard, when is the food coming?” His voice raised in pitch slightly toward the end of his sentence, his jaw clenching slightly as he finished. 

Gerard sighed, twisting a lock of hair around his finger. “I can go order. Are you ready, Frank?”

“What? Oh, sure. Um. I'll have the grilled cheese too, it says they can do a gluten and lactose-free one..”

“I'll go,” Mikey mumbled, getting up quickly and glancing at his watch as he walked off. Gerard groaned quietly, burying his face in his hands. “Oh God.”

I chuckled softly and shook my head slightly. “It's fine, Gerard. He's anxious, isn't he?”

Gerard dropped his hands to the table, staring at me exhaustedly. “Very. He gets anxious around most new people, but handsome older guys? Huge no-no.”

I rolled my eyes and shrugged. “So then why did you ask me to tutor him?”

“Because it's good for him. Just not for my blood pressure. He’ll be better once he's eaten, he has to start eating lunch at twelve on the dot every day, and as it gets closer to twelve he gets more and more anxious, so part of the way he's acting with you is because of that. I think you guys will get on really well once he calms down a bit.” 

I sighed and nodded slightly. “I hope so.”

Mikey pulled out his chair again and sat down, already seeming more relaxed in his posture. Gerard nudged him gently and he smiled at me shyly. 

“I like some classic rock, but punk is more my thing,” I continued quietly, as if the last couple minutes hadn't happened. “I always wanted to play in a band, but I never really got the chance.”

“Mm, I love to play, but I'm not really one for stages,” Mikey chuckled, his shoulders dropping slightly as he leaned back in his chair. 

Gerard also seemed to relax, running a hand through his hair slowly as he watched his brother. 

“Nah, I get stage fright too, I wouldn't wanna be a frontman, I don't think.” 

Gerard snorted. “Never woulda’ guessed, you're certainly a pain in the ass.”

I opened my mouth for a comeback, but Mikey beat me to it. 

“Gerard, you're  _ engaged  _ to a frontman.”

“Exactly, I know what it takes to be one,” Gerard pointed out smartly. 

“What, a pain in your ass? Chris certainly was last time I stayed with you, I could hear it downstairs..” Mikey grinned, then batted his eyelashes. “Ohh! Ohh Chrissy! Right there!” 

Gerard buried his face in his hands, but I knew his cheeks were probably as red as his hair. 

“I hope Frank is a different type of pain in your ass, or I might have to tell Chris.”

I started to laugh uncontrollably, shaking my head as Gerard got up suddenly, theatrically pointing a finger in Mikey's face. “ _ You're  _ gonna have pain everywhere if you don't shut up!”

Mikey just sniggered and Gerard rolled his eyes, sitting down again and glaring at me. 

“Stop laughing, you're encouraging him.” 

“I'm sorry, I didn't expect this to be an improv show,” I smirked, leaning back in my chair. “Was I supposed to bring suggestions?”

“Whatever. I wouldn't have invited you to lunch if I knew you were gonna gang up on me.”

Mikey smiled at me, the anxious look in his eyes returning as the adrenaline faded. He checked his watch and shifted slightly, seeming uncomfortable. 

I glanced at my own watch and winced. 11:58.

“I haven't met this Chris guy, what's he like?”

Mikey arched an eyebrow. “Let's just say you should probably stay away from Gerard, cause he's like a foot taller than you.” 

“That's not overly descriptive,” I pointed out quietly. Gerard was checking his phone, so he didn't seem inclined to add to the conversation. 

“Nah, he's okay. He's the guy Gerard came out to me for.”

I blinked and nudged Gerard's leg under the table. “I wanna hear that story.”

Gerard looked up, then narrowed his eyes slightly. “It's not that interesting.” 

“Our mom is a homophobic bitch and-”

“Bitch is a little much, Mikey.”

“Agree to disagree. Anyway, Gerard came out to her and she told him not to tell me in case it gave me ‘ideas’ or something, and so he kept it under wraps until he started dating Chris, and then he came out to me as pan and I told him I was gay.”

Mikey smiled at me, shrugging one shoulder. “It's not actually that interesting, but you wanted to know.”

Gerard was fiddling with his phone again, so I cleared my throat and he lifted his eyes to glare at me. 

“You're being very rude.”

“I'm talking to my fiancé.”

“Still rude.”

“If I didn't reply, then I'd be being rude to him.”

“Not really.”

“Shut up, Iero.”

Mikey rolled his eyes and looked up as a waiter came over with a tray. “Such a heartwarming friendship.”

~

Gerard nudged my foot under the table. “Wanna go for a smoke?”

I blinked at him, then noticed his meaningful look and nodded. He turned to his younger brother and squeezed his shoulder gently. 

“Why don't you order dessert for us, Mikes? We’ll be back soon..”

I followed Gerard out of the restaurant, leaning back against the wall as he lit up. 

“Why'd you want me out here?”

“I dunno. You seem to be getting on okay with Mikey..”

I sighed and shrugged, putting my hands in my pockets. “We haven't talked much...but yeah, he seems...normal when he relaxes. He's funny..”

“Mm..” Gerard flicked ash off the end of his cigarette. “You still look at him...that way.”

I rolled my eyes and straightened up, folding my arms over my chest. “Jesus, I should have known this would-”

Gerard didn't look at me. “Frank, I'm not accusing you of anything..” He blew smoke out in front of him, then finally turned his head to fix his intense gaze on me. “Mikey hasn't had a proper romantic relationship...ever. He's only ever kissed two guys and the last time he went on a date was over seven years ago. I worry about him.”

I nodded slightly, scuffing the toe of my sneaker against the pavement. “I get it. And I'm not the type of guy, I'm too old, whatever..”

Gerard huffed a breath and smoke slipped from his nostrils. “No, I think you're the perfect type of guy for Mikey. Mature, but funny, calm, collected. Intelligent.”

“A fucking alcoholic..”

“Beggars can't be choosers and you're doing really well. Have you thought any more about therapy?”

I nodded slightly, uncrossing my arms and shoving my hands in my pockets instead as Gerard took a long drag. “Yeah, I have an appointment this week.”

“That's great, Frank. Look, I'm saying all this shit because Mikey needs a guy like you, but he's never gonna want you. I don't want you to be disappointed or think that I'm trying to push you away from him, I just want you to understand that Mikey  _ cannot  _ date you.”

“Why not?”

Gerard glanced at me out of the corner of his eye, flicking his cigarette again. “That's his story to tell. But if you don't believe me, ask him. Ask him on a date.”

“I believe you Gerard-”

“But you're gonna try anyway, because that's the way you are so you might as well get on with it.”

I glared at him, suddenly genuinely annoyed with him. He smiled slightly and I felt the urge to slap him, but fought it down, taking a deep breath. “Fine, but can we finish dessert first?”

“Sure.” 

 

Mikey was waiting when he got back, a kid’s sundae sitting in front of him. Gerard and I had both gotten cheesecake. He smiled at Gerard as he walked over, barely looking at me as I pulled my chair out to sit down. He looked at his watch again, then finally glanced at me. 

“I eat dessert fifteen minutes after finishing my meal.”

“Okay.”

Gerard shot me a look and I just smiled slightly, folding my hands in my lap to wait for Mikey politely. As soon as he picked up his spoon, I did the same, tucking into my cheesecake. 

“So what do you need tutoring in, Mikey?”

Gerard looked up quickly and cleared his throat. “Um. Maybe we can talk about that later?”

“Oh...okay..”

Mikey was staring at his brother in confusion, and Gerard just flashed him a quick smile. 

“Whatever, Gerard,” he muttered, shaking his head slightly. “But you keep explaining shit to Frank for me and I don't need you to do that.”

“Doesn't it make you anxious?”

“Yeah, it does. But if you keep doing things for me I'm not gonna get better at it,” Mikey pointed out quietly. 

“Says the guy who-”

“Yeah, okay, but when I'm doing okay, I don't always need you, Gee. I'm sorry.”

Gerard rolled his eyes and dropped his gaze back to his dessert moodily, stabbing it with his fork. 

Mikey heaved a sigh and looked up at me. “I dropped out of high school when I was sixteen, and I want to get my GED now. I've been working on it for a while but I could do with some help.”

I nodded slightly and shrugged one shoulder. “You seem smart, Mikey, I'm sure we can do it together. I don't remember much of high school, but I've been told I'm fairly good at explaining things.”

Mikey smiled, then nudged Gerard. “See?”

Gerard rolled his eyes again, and I noticed his jaw clenching and unclenching repeatedly. 

“What do you do?” Mikey asked suddenly, and I ripped my gaze away from the unpleasant mix of emotions on Gerard's face to look at the younger Way instead. 

I smiled sadly and rubbed the bridge of my nose lightly. “I wanted to be in a band, like I said, but I ended up running a cake shop.”

“That's pretty cool, though.” 

“I guess.” 

Mikey swallowed another spoonful of his sundae, shifting uncomfortably as he stared at me. “A-are you...are you gay, Frank?”

Gerard's head shot up and he was immediately watching Mikey intently. 

I winced and sighed quietly. “Um. I'm sort of bisexual. I just broke up with my wife recently...and um. I've had sexual and romantic relationships with men and women, and enjoyed romance with both, but sex with men...isn't really my thing. I'll do it, but it's um...it doesn't turn me on much.” 

Mikey tilted his head slightly, the sudden tenseness remaining in his posture. “What do you mean?”

I swallowed hard and took another deep breath. “I mean that sex with men feels nice, but watching it happen or doing it doesn't really make me...excited. I don't get into it before it's actually happening. I don't fantasize about it, I don't watch gay porn...it doesn't really interest me.”

Mikey seemed to relax slightly and Gerard went back to his cheesecake silently. 

“I um. Sorry for the interrogation, I just-”

“It's fine,” I interrupted gently, shaking my head slightly. “A lot of people are curious about my sexuality, and that's okay.”

Mikey managed a small smile and began to focus more heavily on his sundae. 

~

I hesitated as we walked out of the building. Gerard was in front by a few paces, Mikey at my side. He stopped with me, glancing at me expectantly. 

“Mikey, would you uh...would you ever be interested in...getting dinner with me sometime?”

He froze, staring at me completely blankly. “You're thirty three..” 

“And?”

“I'm twenty two..”

I blinked at him, noticing that Gerard had stopped a few yards away and was watching passively. “That's...I mean. It's an age difference, but I'm…I’m not old or anything, and-”

“Sorry, Frank, but I've tried the older guy thing and it really didn't fucking work out for me. So go fuck yourself,” Mikey snapped, suddenly bristling as he glared at me, not seeming to notice me flinch away slightly. I watched him hurry over to Gerard, sighing to myself softly and starting to walk to my own car dejectedly. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry guys, I didn't edit again, but yeah...I'm really loving the feedback, it's so awesome! <3<3


	13. Chapter 13

M 

“Okay. Sign here..”

I scribbled my name quickly, my hands shaking. 

“Initial here.”

I forced my fingers to form the letters, blinking away the tears that threatened to fall. 

“Okay. You're all done.”

“Thank you.”

I lifted my backpack onto my shoulder, then shoved my earbuds in moodily as I left the building. I tugged my hood up over my hair, my fingers curling in my hoodie pocket as I made my way home slowly. 

 

Gerard was waiting for me when I got home, as I’d expected, but I was surprised to see Chris next to him, holding his hand. I dumped my backpack by the door and slouched into the armchair, staring at the two men seated on the couch. 

“I got a call from the school today,” Gerard said quietly, sniffling. Chris looked at him worriedly, letting go of his hand to rub his back instead. “Mikey, you  _ can't  _ just drop out of school! You waited a week and went back for one day, and-”

“And Brendon was convicted of rape,” I interrupted quietly, staring at the carpet. “Steven pinned me to the wall at lunch today. He told me that he'd like to try, see what it's like, and that maybe he should drag me out to the woods. I had a panic attack and started to cry and he told me to  _ kill myself _ . I can't go back, Gee, and you're not getting anywhere legally.”

“Where was Pete?”

“Getting lunch so I didn't have to stand in line.”

Gerard buried his face in his hands and Chris sighed, hugging him loosely and murmuring to him far too quietly for me to hear. Gerard nodded slightly and took a deep breath, then lifted his head. 

“We’ll help you find a job, Mikey, I can't be angry at you, I just c-can't. Not when you're having that hard a time. We’ll figure out some options, maybe you can do courses online or something. We love you and support you, even though I don't agree with your choice.”

I sniffed and rubbed my eyes shakily. When I looked up, Gerard had walked over to me and he leaned down, pulling me into a tight hug. “I'm sorry, Mikey. I'm so sorry...what can I do?”

I didn't say anything, just digging my nails into his back lightly as I buried my face in his neck. 

~~~

Gerard smiled at me as I wandered downstairs a week later, feeling exhausted despite a good night’s sleep. 

“Hey, hon. Um. Mom’s gonna come pick you up this evening to head home. I haven't told her about Brendon, but she knows about you dropping out because the school called her too. So uh...I was gonna make some nice waffles for breakfast, and it's my day off, so I was gonna take you to the movies and stuff...cause um. I'm gonna miss you.”

I took a deep breath and nodded slightly. “I'm gonna miss you too, but I'll probably be back in a few days.”

“Probably.” 

Gerard ran a hand through his hair, glancing at me worriedly before starting to mix up the waffle batter. “Are you gonna be okay?”

“I dunno. I mean...I'm not sure if I'll be able to stay in the closet,” I sighed, opening the fridge and grabbing the orange juice. “Like, what if she sees the news? About Brendon?”

“They won't put your name on anything, Mikey, don't worry.”

“Yeah but ‘local teen?’ Mom is gonna be suspicious immediately, she's like that. And I'm a terrible liar,” I pointed out, pouring myself a glass of juice before putting the carton away again. “I can't say I didn't know anything about it.”

“Then just tell her,” Gerard suggested gently. “She's still your mom, Mikey. I'm sure she'll be more worried about you having been hurt than the fact you're gay.”

“But I don't...I don't like talking about it..”

Gerard sighed and dropped his spoon, walking over to me and pulling me into a gentle hug. “Then if she asks, tell her to call me, alright? I've got your back, Mikey..”

I let out a slow breath and buried my face in Gerard's neck, wrapping my arms around him loosely. 

“I love you, Mikey, and Mom loves you too, it's gonna be okay..”

~

I jumped when the doorbell rang and Gerard rolled his eyes. “Alright, I'll go get it. You sit here.”

I fiddled with my fingers as he got up slowly, walking out of the room. We'd decided to tell Mom about Brendon together, but I was already regretting the idea. My hands were shaking, my palms were sweaty, and I felt slightly sick as I stared at the carpet. 

I could hear Gerard's voice coming closer, and looked up as Mom walked into the living room. 

She looked normal, for Mom, with her heels on and her perfect hair and formal skirt. My mom always dressed as if it was Sunday and she was going to church. It was one of the few things I truly hated about her. 

She sat down in the armchair and Gerard took his place next to me again, pressing his shoulder against mine lightly as he reached down to hold my hand.

“Gerard says you have something to tell me, Michael..”

I flinched and Gerard gritted his teeth briefly. “Mom, Mikey...it's really hard for him to talk about, and-”

“Is it that he dropped out of school?” Mom snapped, and Gerard just sighed softly. “Because I know about that already, and I'm _ not  _ happy.”

“It's related, Mom,” he answered patiently, squeezing my hand as I willed myself to melt through the sofa and just disappear. “I need you to listen really well, and um-”

“Is he going to tell me himself or just hide behind you?”

I ripped my hand away from Gerard's to cover my face, my throat tightening uncomfortably. “Mikey, shh, it's okay..” Gerard murmured as I squeezed my eyes shut, my face buried in my hands. “It's alright..” He wrapped an arm around my shoulders, squeezing gently. 

“Mom, have you seen the headlines about a guy from the university?”

Mom chuckled humorlessly. “You know I don't read the local papers, Gerard, and you shouldn't either.”

“Okay, Mom, okay. Look, there was this guy from the university and he...he got Mikey to go on some dates with him...a-and Mikey didn't tell me about it...when I found out, they were already happy to kiss and things like that, and-” At that point, Mom tried to interrupt and Gerard just kept talking, raising his voice over hers briefly. “-and he took Mikey to the park, from school. And he took Mikey into the woods and he forced him to-”

I broke down sobbing as I felt Brendon's breath in my ear, his hands on my hips, almost drowning out Gerard's warm touch as he wrapped his arms around me protectively. 

“This older guy...he raped Mikey,” he finished quietly. I gagged softly, my wrists starting to throb as Gerard shifted slightly, taking my hand again. 

“I'll be right back, Mom, Mikey needs a break..” He stood up, gently pulling me with him and walking me upstairs as I tried to stop crying and swallow the tears. By the time we made it to my room, I'd managed to fight the sobs back to just sniffles. 

Gerard sat me down on the bed, hugging me as tightly as he could without hurting me. “I'm sorry, Mikey. You're so brave, hon. And I'm really proud of you, y'know. I know this is really hard and really scary for you, and I know-”

“I can feel his hands again,” I mumbled, and Gerard squeezed me lightly, pressing a kiss to the top of my head. 

“Try and think of something else, Mikey. Focus on everything but that..”

“It's h-hard..”

“I know, Mikey, I know. What can I do? Hmm? What would help?”

I shifted uncomfortably, slowly pulling away from Gerard as he kept rubbing my back. “I wanna get it over with.”

“Are you sure?”

I nodded slightly and he ran his fingers through my hair slowly. “Okay, hon.” 

 

Gerard kept his tight grip on my hand as we sat down, and I leaned into his side again, too anxious to even glance at Mom. 

“You didn't tell me you were gay, Michael,” she said coldly after a few seconds. Gerard tensed and his nails dug into my hand slightly. 

“I was scared to,” I answered simply, hating the shakiness in my voice as I tried to sound calm. 

“Why?”

“I don't know.”

“Well, if you had, I could have got you the help you needed, and we wouldn't be here.”

Gerard clenched his jaw so suddenly and so hard. that I heard his teeth grind. “Mom. You're telling Mikey that this is  _ his  _ fault. Don't you think that's just a tiny bit unfair?” His voice was even, but I could tell from how tense he was and the minute twitches in his fingers that he was ridiculously close to starting a screaming match. 

“It's a sin, Gerard. God works in so many different ways.”

Numbness began to take me over again, and I let my body relax as the feelings ebbed away. I stared at Mom blankly, a sick, slightly uneasy tightness in my stomach the only sensation that remained. 

“Mom, you can't say that kind of shit to Mikey, he's just a kid! He didn't know any better,” Gerard protested, the rage that had been building suddenly disarmed by utter disbelief. “He's scared, and he's hurt, and he doesn't need to be told that it's his fault!”

“Well, if he'd-”

“No. No, you've got this completely wrong, Mom,” Gerard snapped, the anger back again as quickly as it had gone. “Mikey came home  _ covered  _ in blood. He could barely walk, he collapsed in the kitchen...you can't tell me that's God. If God existed and that was what he did to kids, I wouldn't want Him to stay. There's no version of this where Mikey deserved it. He  _ begged  _ Brendon to stop!”

Mom just shook her head slightly, a fake sad look on her face. “I wouldn't expect you to understand, Gerard. You're a lost cause, a faggot. But Michael has a chance to redeem himself and-”

“I don't want to,” I spoke up finally, and Gerard turned to look at me, smiling sadly, but encouragingly. 

“I don't want to be redeemed or whatever. I don't believe in God, and if there is one, then He can kiss my ass because I think He is a piece of shit. I like who I am.”

Mom’s jaw dropped and she stood up suddenly, rushing over to me and grabbing my wrist. I cried out and tried to jerk away, the handcuff rubs still raw in some places. “Come on, Mikey, you can't be around your brother anymore, he's clearly a bad influence, and-”

“Get the fuck out of my house!” Gerard finally lost it, shoving Mom away from me and screaming at the top of his lungs. “You're fucking hurting him, you bitch! Get the fuck out! You're a fucking vampire, you're hurting him fucking constantly! Your God is horseshit and I don't wanna fucking hear about it one more fucking time! Get.  _ Out. _ ” 

Mom’s lip curled and she glared at Gerard with more hate than I'd ever seen from one person before. “I wish I'd never given you life, Gerard Way. I'm going to call the police.”

“Fine. I'm going to call my fucking lawyer,” Gerard snapped, pointing towards the door. “Get the fuck off my property, and kiss goodbye to your custody of my brother.” 

I watched Mom go, then slowly pulled my knees up to my chest, staring at Gerard uncertainly as he stood there, his own chest heaving with the force of his anger. 

“Fuck.”

The front door slammed and Gerard seemed to relax, glancing at me. “Jesus...are you okay, Mikey? Oh shit..”

He hurried over, sitting down next to me and pulling me against his chest as I sniffed. “I'm sorry, I didn't mean to scare you, hon..”

“You didn't...it's fine,” I managed, shaking all over as he rubbed my back slowly. 

“Can I see your wrist?”

I nodded, slowly peeling my arm away from my body and letting Gerard roll up my sleeve. There was blood soaking through the bandages again, but I could barely feel the pain as I let my head rest on my brother’s chest. 

“I love you, Mikey,” he murmured, hugging me loosely and pressing a kiss to my temple. “She was wrong about everything. Everything. It wasn't your fault, Mikey. Nothing was your fault, I promise. I promise. I'm gonna fight, okay? You're not going back to her. Chris’ll help me...why don't I run you a nice bath and call him? You could do with a nice relaxing break.”

I nodded slightly, then uncurled just enough to lean against Gerard, sliding my arms up and wrapping them around his neck as I buried my face in his chest one more time. 

“I've got you, Mikey. Now and always..” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so anyway she's a bitch   
> also this is the last chapter in the 7 years ago time frame, all chapters from now on will be in the current time :)


	14. Chapter 14

F

“H’llo?”

“Frank? Jesus..”

I sighed, fiddling with the empty beer bottle laying on the floor next to my leg. 

“What.”

“You're drunk.”

“Yeah.”

“Fuck. Is this about Mikey?” He asked, dropping his voice slightly. “I called you cause I thought...I thought you might be hurt.”

“He told me to go fuck myself.”

“Yeah...it's not about you, Frank. It's cause you're older than him.” 

I heaved a huge sigh and rubbed the bridge of my nose lightly. “I still don't get it..” 

“Look, I shouldn't tell you about it really, but when Mikey was fifteen, he had an older boyfriend, and he...hurt him, badly.”

“Wait..” I mumbled, leaning my head back against the wall. “Was that what happened seven years ago..?”

“Yeah,” Gerard sighed softly, and I heard him take a deep breath in. “He's terrified that it'll happen again, that's all.”

“Tell him..” I got up off the floor, opening the fridge again and pulling out the bottle of vodka. “Tell him I'm sorry.”

I took the cap off and swallowed a few long gulps, barely able to feel the burning sensation as it slid down my throat. 

“Okay, I will, Frank. But you should go to bed...it's not...this won't help, you'll just wake up feeling worse.”

“I'm...I'm fine,” I slurred, blinking before taking another few swigs from the bottle. “I'm not even tipsy.”

“Frank, you're like blackout drunk, how much have you had?”

“Four beers and some vodka.”

“Jesus. You're tiny, too.”

“Hey!”

“Whatever. Frank, go to fucking bed..”

I frowned suddenly, blinking at the counter as I tried to get my eyes to focus. “Gerard?”

“Yeah?”

“Did it feel good? Did it help? When you dug the knife in?”

“Jesus Christ, Frank! No! It fucking hurt!”

“But people say it helps, to cut themselves. It takes the pain away. Did it take your pain away, Gee? Please….I n-need to know!” I raised my voice desperately, my hands shaking as I leaned against the counter. “I need to make it stop!”

“Frank, I-...I can't have his conversation with you. It doesn't help, it really really doesn't. It's worse than the booze, it’s...it's more permanent. And it hurts the people around you just the same. You need to go to bed.”

“Okay..”

“Are you going to bed?”

“Maybe.”

“Frank, just go!”

I sighed and set the bottle of vodka down, walking unsteadily towards the stairs. “Gerard, I can't take this much longer.”

“Take what?”

“I miss her...and I miss having someone. I hate being alone, Gerard. I  _ hate  _ it. I wanted Mikey to like me.”

“He does like you, Frank, just not in that way..”

I started climbing the stairs, swaying slightly as I dragged my ass to my bedroom. “I'm tired..”

“Then get some sleep, Frank. It won't be so bad tomorrow, and maybe you can come over and tutor Mikey in the afternoon..”

“Maybe.”

“Are you going to bed?”

I sat down heavily, staring at the floor. “Yeah.”

“Okay. I'll talk to you in the morning, Frank. Text me when you wake up and I'll talk to Mikey about you coming over..”

“Okay.”

“Bye.” 

Gerard hung up and I glanced down at my hands, taking a deep, slow breath. It all hurt. Everything hurt, my chest, my head. It hurt that Julia didn't want me. It hurt that Mikey didn't either. It hurt that I might never rebuild my life the way I wanted it, an unattainable image that had featured Mikey since I'd first met him, as well as the band I’d never have. I got up again, pushing my door open as I went looking for another remedy to dull the pain. 

~

It had been a long time since I'd felt the itch, but I was reminded as I woke up how strong it had been the night before, and how weak I had been. There was dried blood all over my left arm, and as I moved it, the skin shifted and tweaked, sending shudder-worthy pain shooting up my arm. I glared at the six neat cuts, silently swearing at myself over and over as I got out of bed slowly, wandering to the bathroom.

_ You're a waste of space.  _

I just nodded slightly and opened the medicine cabinet, tugging down the first aid kit and ripping it open. I washed the cuts and patted them dry, then cleaned them with antiseptic and smeared neosporin over them before slapping a sterile pad over the whole lot and wrapping gauze around it. I finished off the bandages and ran a hand through my hair, glaring at myself in the mirror. 

“Fuck.” 

~

Gerard opened the door and sighed, gently pulling me into the house. “Mikey's out right now, he’ll be back in like fifteen minutes, okay?”

“Sure.”

“You look like shit.”

“You say that every time I see you, maybe you just don't like my face.”

Gerard rolled his eyes. “Normally you smirk when you make a shitty joke. You're definitely off today. What happened when I hung up?”

“Honestly, I don't remember,” I shrugged, and Gerard squinted at me. 

“You're right handed, right?”

“Yeah.”

He grabbed my left arm quickly, rolling up the sleeve of my hoodie before I could react. He stared at the bandage blankly, taking slow breaths. 

“Frank..”

“Look, I did it a couple times in high school too, it's not that new to me. It's not a big deal.”

“Oh fuck off, we both know that's not true. Come on, I'll make you a drink, we should talk about it.”

“I'm not sure I want to, Gerard.” 

He glanced at me, then sighed and shrugged. “I can't force you to talk to me, but you should. And what's different about this? You've talked to me about everything else up until now.”

“The difference is that this is pathetic,” I said without thinking, and Gerard blinked at me in shock. 

“Frank..”

I looked down and he just gently grabbed my wrist, pulling me into the kitchen. 

“Fine, don't talk to me. I'm still gonna make you a drink, and Mikey is still coming home soon.”

I sat down at the kitchen table, leaning back in my chair and watching Gerard as he started pulling ingredients from cupboards. “Gerard, I'm not trying to be an asshole or-”

“No, it's okay,” he chuckled softly, shooting me a quick smile as he set a saucepan on the cooker. “I get it. It's like...too fresh to talk about, right?”

“Yeah, I guess..”

Gerard shrugged, his back to me as he started to stir whatever was in the pan. “Sometimes you need to process things on your own to start with. I just hope that you'll talk to someone about it, y'know? I know how hard it is to feel like you don't have anyone, and I don't want you to feel that way.” 

I heard the front door slam and Gerard sighed. “That'll be Mikey...he's in an okay mood today.”

“Alright.” 

I looked up as Mikey shuffled in, flashing me a small, anxious smile. “They were out at the corner store, Gee, I'll have to make a run to the grocery store tomorrow after work.”

“Okay, Mikey. You gonna show Frank some of your work?”

Mikey heaved a huge sigh and Gerard turned, an eyebrow raised. “I know that sigh, Mikey.”

He stared at his brother sadly and nodded slightly. “I'm really tired and I had a panic attack at work today and-”

Gerard waved a hand irritably. “Fine. But I can't tell Frank to just go home. He can stay for dinner and you can entertain him for a while.” 

“I'm not a kid,” I protested quietly, not entirely sure what was going on. 

“No, you're easier to entertain,” Gerard grinned wickedly, then seemed to realize that I was somewhat confused, shooting Mikey a look. 

“Sorry, Frank,” Mikey mumbled dutifully, looking down at the floor. “I don't really want to work on school stuff today, I'm way too tired and I'm just not in the right mindset.”

I shrugged and ran a hand through my hair slowly. “That's okay. We can uh...do something else if you like.”

Gerard interrupted with a helpful smile. “We have video games, board games, movies-”

“Gerard, it's not a fucking play date,” Mikey interrupted sourly. “You don't need to hover.”

“Fine, but I am making snacks. I'd be a good soccer mom.” 

Mikey rolled his eyes and stalked out of the room. I hesitated briefly, then jogged after him. 

He was sitting on the couch, so I wandered over and sat down next to him, not too close. “What was your panic attack about?” I asked quietly, after a few seconds of awkward silence. 

“I missed lunch today.”

“Oh...do you want something now, I can tell Gerard and-”

“No, I can't have lunch when it's not lunchtime,” Mikey sighed, running a hand through his hair. “I was late so I didn't eat.”

I blinked and shook my head slightly. “Aren't you hungry? That's not...that's not really good for you, Mikey.” 

“You sound like Gerard.”

“Well, he's right.”

Mikey shrugged and turned the tv on, flicking through the channels listlessly. “It's okay, I need to lose some weight anyways.”

I stared at him for a few seconds, then shook my head slightly, deciding not to argue. 

“Where do you work, Mikey?”

He glanced at me and smiled slightly, shrugging one shoulder. “I work in a cafe in Belleville. It kinda sucks, but not many places will hire without a high school diploma these days.”

“I guess not. Do you know what you want to do?”

Mikey looked down at his lap, picking at a loose thread on his jeans. “Yeah, I got offered this internship at a record company when I was sixteen, after I produced this song for my friend. I told them why I dropped out and everything that happened and they said that when I got my diploma or GED, then I could talk to them again and most likely get it.”

“That's awesome! How close are you?”

“Hopefully by the end of this year I'll have it, it's just so hard when I'm working and trying to go to classes and stuff. Takes up a lot of time.” 

“I bet. Well, when you feel like it, I really am happy to help where I can.” 

I glanced up as Gerard carried two mugs in, handing one to me and the other to Mikey. 

“Chai, it's my specialty,” Gerard smiled, ruffling my hair slightly. “You want a snack, Mikey?”

“No, I'm fine.”

Gerard gave him an odd look and sighed. “Alright. Dinner at five thirty, yeah? You can rent a movie if you like.” 

“Okay,” Mikey mumbled, not looking at his brother. 

Gerard stared at him for a couple more seconds, then rolled his eyes and walked out of the room quietly. 

Mikey glanced at me and I just blinked at him. He flicked his gaze back to the tv and gestured with the remote moodily. “You wanna watch a movie?”

“Sure.”

 

Dinner was delicious, but conversation was lacking. Mikey poked at his food unenthusiastically, and Gerard kept sending him meaningful looks. I followed Gerard into the kitchen when the meal was over to help him clear up, and found him standing with his head in his hands. 

“Gerard?”

He jumped and turned quickly, smiling at me worriedly. “Hey, Frank.”

“Hey. Is everything okay?”

He sighed and nodded, running a hand through his hair. “Mikey isn't doing so good today, that's all. It's...it's hard for me..”

“You want a hug?”

Gerard took a deep breath and shook his head slowly. “I want a hug from my fiancé, who is currently on the other side of the country..”

He looked down at the floor, clenching his jaw slightly as he took another shaky breath. I shifted closer to him, starting to rub his back slowly. “I'm sorry, Gerard. I'm so sorry. But I'm sure Mikey will be okay...and Chris will be back soon, won't he?”

“Just over a month,” Gerard sighed, leaning against my chest. “I miss him so bad..”

“I'm sure, Gerard. I'm sorry. I...I'm not good at comforting people, sorry. Just..if you need me, I'm around to help. With Mikey, anything. It's not like I'm doing much else with myself at the moment, and you've helped me so much..”

Gerard nodded slightly, pulling away from me as he rubbed his eyes with the heels of his hands. “I may have to take you up on it. I can't...Mikey's been doing so much better lately and now...all this-” he waved a hand vaguely. “-is coming back and I can't deal with it right now, not properly. Chris is...he's so far away and he's normally here to help me..”

I tilted my head slightly, shoving my hands in my pockets. “Isn't he away a lot?”

“Yeah. Um. He's thinking about quitting when we get married. I think...I think he wants kids and the white picket fence and all that.”

“Is that what you want?”

Gerard looked at me and sighed. “I don't know. I have Mikey to worry about...the business. There's so much...in the way of it all. Not that Mikey's...he's not in the way, exactly, but he's more my kid than my brother. And sometimes it's hard to juggle, y'know? I shouldn't be unloading all this on you again,” he mumbled, shaking his head slightly. “And knowing my luck, Mikey is probably eavesdropping and I'm about to get in real shit.”

I chuckled softly and stepped forward again, pulling Gerard into a loose hug. “Let's go find out, yeah? I don't mind you unloading, Gerard, that's what friends are for.” 

Gerard sighed and broke away carefully, shaking his head slightly. “If you say so..”

I just smiled and followed him out of the kitchen and into the living room. Mikey was sitting on the couch, typing something on his phone. Gerard walked over and sat down next to him. 

“Want to finish that movie you started?”

Mikey nodded. “I just have to finish putting my calories down..”

Gerard rolled his eyes, but flashed me a brief smile, and I smiled back as I saw him start to relax at last. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! I'm getting bad writer's block at the moment, I'm thinking of scrapping the last few chapters I've done and trying again cause they're kinda shitty but I'm not sure yet...I hate deleting stuff, it's a huge weakness of mine, as I'm rarely able to edit my own stuff well. :(  
> Oh well, hope this is okay for you


	15. Chapter 15

G

I dialed the number and listened to it ring, sighing worriedly just before he picked up. 

“Gerard? What's up?”

“Hey, Frank. Um. Chris has invited me to come spend a night off with him, but I might need you to stay with Mikey.”

He hesitated, then sighed quietly. “Don't beat around the bush, will you? Look, Gerard, I'm not sure about babysitting Mikey, I mean I doubt he'd actually want me there anyway. Wouldn't he be scared? And does he actually need someone to sit with him, doesn't he live on his own most of the time?”

I rubbed the bridge of my nose shakily, chewing on my lip lightly. “Yeah, but he has close neighbors. He's not really truly on his own often, and I really hate the idea of him having a panic attack on his own in the house while I'm halfway across the country. I need to talk to him about it, but I think he’ll be okay with having you there, he just might set some ground rules. His friend who normally stays with him when I'm away isn't available and I really need-”

Frank groaned softly. “I get it, Gee. I'll do it as long as he agrees that it's what he wants.”

“You're a lifesaver, Frank.”

“If you say so.” 

~~~

I spotted Chris as soon as I stepped out into the arrivals terminal, shouldering my backpack and taking off running. “Chris!”

He grinned and ducked under the rope, meeting me halfway and hugging me tightly as I flung my arms around his neck. 

“I missed you so so bad!” I gasped, raining kisses down on his cheeks as he lifted me up slightly, squeezing me even tighter. 

“I missed you too, Gee..” Chris murmured, pulling away just enough to kiss me, his fingers sliding up into my hair as I gently pulled him deeper. 

I broke the kiss somewhat reluctantly, but gently tugged on Chris's hand. “Come on! I wanna go somewhere other than this shitty airport..”

He chuckled softly and laced our fingers together, starting to walk me towards the main doors. “Well, I’d planned to take you to the aquarium before dinner, but the delay in your flight means we should probably save it for tomorrow. The reservation is in an hour.”

“Shit, how far away, I gotta change and-”

“Relax, baby, it's okay,” Chris soothed, leading me into the car park elevator and pressing one of the buttons. “The hotel and restaurant are really close together and I've already checked in, so we just gotta go, get you ready, and then we can walk to the restaurant. There's nothing to stress about. Oh, and I went shopping, so I already picked out your outfit to save even more time!”

I grinned and leaned into him slightly, squeezing his hand. “You're too good to me, Chris.”

~

“I can't believe you booked this lush hotel and we ended up in that pokey little restaurant,” I teased as I started to unbutton my shirt. Chris sat down on the bed, watching me with a faint smile. 

“You don't like fancy food, Gerard, but you do like Mediterranean, and it was really good, so stop whining.”

I grinned at him and leaned over, pulling him into a quick kiss. “I love you, and you thought it all through perfectly. It's wonderful, baby.”

“I know,” Chris smirked, and I rolled my eyes as I finally slipped my shirt off my shoulders. 

“Smug bastard.” 

“Mm, whatever. I'm the one with the good view..”

I felt color rising to my cheeks, but unbuckled my belt and slipped my jeans off quickly, reaching for my pajama bottoms. Chris cleared his throat and I giggled as he stood up, looming over me slightly. 

“What do you think you're doing, huh?”

He gripped my wrists gently, jerking my body closer to his. I let myself fall into him, nuzzling his chest happily as he wrapped his arms around my waist loosely, but comfortingly. “Mm. You're not going home without letting me fuck you through the mattress.”

“What if I refuse?” I purred, grinning up at him as he pecked my lips softly. 

“Then I guess I'll just have to take you everywhere with me until you let me.”

“Mm?”

“Yeah...you're gonna let me fuck you through the mattress, then I'm gonna hold you tight and make love to you slow, just the way you like.”

I felt something in my belly tighten and I tilted my head up, pressing kisses to the tattoo on the underside of his jaw. “I need you..”

Chris growled softly as I started to undo his shirt quickly, my fingers shaking as I fumbled with the buttons. He put his hands over mine suddenly and I looked up into his worried eyes. 

“Gee...everything okay? You seem..”

“I just...I missed you, and I've been really stressed lately. I need...I need this, really badly. I need you to pin me down, and then I need you to cuddle with me until we fall asleep. Like always.”

Chris smiled at me sadly and brushed his knuckles over my cheek slowly, soothingly. “Hey. We have time tonight, baby. We don't need to rush this much, hon. Just take a really deep breath and calm down a little. I'm not going anywhere and we have all day tomorrow as well.” 

I nodded slightly, forcing myself to relax as I went back to undoing the buttons on Chris's shirt, my hands much steadier. As soon as I'd finished the last button, Chris tugged the shirt off his shoulders and undid his jeans, slipping them off along with his boxers.  I bit my lip harshly, my body starting to feel hot. 

Chris smiled and pulled me into a brief kiss, then grabbed onto my upper arm and dragged me towards the bed, throwing me down on my stomach. I grinned to myself, closing my eyes as he climbed over me. 

~

Chris twirled my bright red hair around his finger, watching the tv with vague interest. I shifted, dropping my head from resting against his chest to laying in his lap as I looked up at him. 

He looked down at me and grinned. “You're fucking adorable.”

“I know.” 

I sat up and slid out of bed, shaking out my hair and combing through it with my fingers as I dug through my bag to find a pair of clean boxers. I pulled them on as soon as I found them, then tossed Chris a pair of his. He rolled his eyes, but put them on and patted the bed next to him as he laid down. 

“One second..” I mumbled, frowning as I rummaged through my bag again, finally pulling out the little box. “I went to that sweet shop you like at home..” I stood up, carrying the box over and setting it down in front of him before climbing into bed and laying down on my side to face him. 

“You're the best,” Chris purred, opening the top and studying the chocolates.

“I know that too,” I grinned, and he kissed me softly, setting them aside. 

“Thanks, Gee, but I just wanna cuddle for a bit..”

I nodded and shifted closer to him, tucking his hair behind his ear before trailing my fingers over his cheek. “I love you, so so much..”

He smiled softly and pecked my lips again, resting his hand on my side. “I love you too. More than anything, Gee. You mean the whole world to me.”

I yawned, nodded slightly as I felt his fingertips running over my stretch marks, tracing them over my sides. I didn't slap him away this time, letting him touch me however he liked. 

“You're beautiful, you know. I'm so excited to marry you..”

I gave up trying to be coy and pressed my body to his, nuzzling his jaw as I clung to him and tangled our legs together. “Me too..I wanted to sit up and talk with you, but I'm so tired..” 

“Well how about we talk for a little while and if you really start to fall asleep, you can take a nap?”

I nodded, pulling away from Chris's touch just enough to be able to talk to him face-to-face. “Okay...I've booked a venue.”

“Mm? Did you get the one we wanted?”

I smiled and kissed his cheek softly. “Mhm. The one  _ you  _ liked best.”

“Gee, that wasn't what we agreed, though, I wanted to compromise,” Chris protested gently, running his hand up and down my side. 

I giggled and shrugged. “They weren't able to do that weekend, so I booked my second choice and your first. It's gonna be great, I have some really good ideas for it..”

“Okay, baby. I just don't want you to go overboard on pleasing me and miss out on all the things you want.”

I rolled my eyes and grinned at him happily. “Yeah, like that's gonna happen.”

Chris just smiled, moving his hand up to my cheek instead. “Gee..?”

“Mm?” I hummed, frowning slightly as I noticed his suddenly serious tone.

“I um. We've never really talked about it before, but I've been thinking...do you want kids? I know you don't like to plan the future much, but I've always-”

I cut him off gently, taking his hand and squeezing it lightly as I remembered my conversation with Frank, and my subsequent sleepless nights. “Yes, Chrissy. I've been thinking too, and I think I'd like to have kids somewhere down the line, but...I have Mikey to worry about..”

“He's not your child,” Chris pointed out quietly, his thumb running back and forth over my knuckles. “You can't baby him forever..”

I sighed and pulled my hand away from his, rubbing the bridge of my nose. “Chris, I'm sorry that you feel like I spend too much time on Mikey but you know how he gets..”

“I know that he relies on you a little too much,” Chris sighed, starting to stroke my hair slowly. “Gerard, honey, I'm not trying to tell you to change things, I just...you should be able to have your own life as well, and I worry about the both of you.”

I relaxed slightly, taking a deep breath. “I met this new guy..”

He raised an eyebrow and I giggled, smacking his chest gently. “Not like that! No, this guy is really cute, but he's too short for me. Um. He's older than me and he just got divorced, we met in the bar you like to go to near the house, and he seems like a really nice guy...he's gonna tutor Mikey, and he's like...totally smitten with him.”

Chris brushed my hair out of my face, then moved his hand back to my side. “Yeah?”

“Seriously, he looks at him in this really intense way...it's kind of cute, but he asked Mikey out and Mikey told him to go fuck himself.”

Chris blinked, then sighed softly. “The age thing, right?”

“Exactly. But I think this guy- Frank, his name is- I think he'd be really good for Mikey. He's into guys but not like...sexually? I guess? I dunno, but he's really mature and funny and he's calm. He'd be ideal and it just makes me really sad that Mikey can't look past how old he is..” 

“It's not just that,” Chris said quietly. “Every other guy Mikey's met, he's rejected for some reason or another. You need to really convince him that Frank is gonna be good for him. I guess just keep pushing them together until it sticks..” 

“I guess. He's um. He's kind of an alcoholic, too, but he's getting better.”

“As long as he's working on it. Mikey needs to break out of this limbo he's in, he  _ needs  _ to try it with someone or he's never going to find the right person, whether that's this Frank or not.” 

“I know,” I sighed, snuggling closer to Chris again and hugging him loosely. “It's just so hard to make him understand.”

“You're doing your best, and that's okay,” Chris soothed, wrapping an arm around me tightly. “If you're tired, get some sleep, baby..”

“Mm. I am..”

I closed my eyes and nuzzled Chris's jaw lightly, relaxing into his chest. “I love you..”

“I love you too, baby.” 

~

Chris lifted me up off the floor slightly, hugging me as tightly as he could and kissing my cheek softly. “I'll be home soon, baby, just another month. One more month and I'll be home,” he murmured as he set me down gently. 

“I wish you could be home now..” I mumbled, keeping my arms around him as I pressed my body to his. I could feel the lump forming in my throat, but tried to force it away. 

“I know, Gee, I do too. But we’ll talk plenty, I promise. I love you, beautiful.”

“I love you too..” 

Chris pulled me into one last kiss, stroking my cheek slowly before breaking away reluctantly and gently trying to shake my arms off. I sniffed and grabbed onto him tighter, and he sighed softly. “Gee, you're gonna miss your flight, baby. Come on.”

“No..” I mumbled shakily, my nose starting to sting as my eyes filled with tears. Chris sighed and hugged me again tightly, kissing the side of my head before peeling me off him quickly and gently pushing my chest. “Go on, Gee. Go see how Mikey is, yeah? I'll call you tomorrow, I promise. Text me when you get home so I know you're safe..”

I nodded slightly, forcing a smile as I felt a tear escape and slide down my cheek. Chris ran a hand through his hair shakily, blowing me a kiss and waving to me as I headed off into the security line quickly. I tried to dry my eyes as I handed my passport to the agent, but more tears kept spilling. I glanced back one more time and waved, then hurried out of sight, burying my face in my sleeve as I unsuccessfully tried to calm down. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you guys enjoyed this new perspective! Let me know what you think, especially about this relationship. It would be really nice to know if you want to see more of this or not. <3  
> Sorry for the update being a little late, I stayed up to watch the Apprentice (British version ofc with Lord Sugar instead of the human orange shit)  
> Anyway, have a good day/night!  
> P.S. I'm going to keep most of those chapters I was thinking about taking out, I don't think I can rework them much better than they are now unfortunately


	16. Chapter 16

F

Mikey opened the door and stepped back to let me in. I shuffled past him, kicking my shoes off and running a hand through my hair. 

“I’m sorry about all this,” I mumbled as I shrugged my coat off. “I know you're not a child..”

Mikey shrugged, shoving his hands in his pockets. “Tell that to my brother.” He turned on his heel and started walking down the corridor. “Have you eaten?”

“Yeah, have you?”

“At five thirty.”

I nodded to myself, taking a deep breath. I'd managed to remember his routine and as Gerard had told me to arrive at seven, I had figured Mikey would already have eaten. I followed him into the living room, where Mikey stopped and turned to face me. “I go to bed at ten.”

“Okay,” I smiled, shrugging one shoulder. “What do you wanna do until then?” 

Mikey looked away slightly, his expression completely unreadable. “I don't know. Talk, I guess? Gerard says you're good to talk to, although I suspect he probably wants you to spy on me.” 

I chuckled softly and shook my head. “If you told me something in confidence, Mikey, I wouldn't tell Gerard, I promise. I'm not like that, I'm not into drama or getting between people. I'm just going through my own stuff, and it's nice sometimes to realize that other people have their own, different problems. It makes me feel less alone, and it always feels good to help other people.”

Mikey smirked just slightly, still not quite looking at me. “You sound like an advertisement for support groups or something.”

I grinned and shrugged. “I guess. Do you wanna get a drink? We could sit down and talk for a bit..”

Mikey nodded, finally meeting my gaze and smiling genuinely. “Sure. What would you like?”

“I would love some vodka, but water is fine..”

Mikey snorted. “The only alcohol Gerard has in the house is rubbing alcohol and I don't recommend it.”

I nodded and watched him go, stretching before sitting down on the couch. He seemed ready to open up, and I felt oddly excited about it. 

I looked down at my hands, sighing quietly. I didn't like drama much, that was true, but I was a fairly nosy person, and I knew that. I liked to know about people, to know how they ticked and what they thought. 

Mikey sat down next to me, interrupting my thoughts as he handed me a glass of water. 

“Here. You okay?”

I flashed him a quick smile and shrugged. “Tired.”

“Mm, I get that.”

I sipped at my water as Mikey stared off into space, holding his own glass of soda. 

“Mikey?” I said softly, after a couple minutes. He blinked and put his glass down on the coffee table, taking a deep breath. 

“What did you want to talk about?” I asked gently, studying his slightly worried face. 

“A lot of things. Gerard said he kind of told you about what happened seven years ago..”

I nodded slowly, looking down at my glass. “He said you met someone older and he hurt you badly, that's all I really know.”

Mikey sighed and rubbed one eye with the heel of his hand. “I just...it still hurts.”

I smiled sadly and set my glass down next to his, leaning back in my chair. “That's okay. Sometimes these things take decades to heal. What happened?”

Mikey glanced at me, then shook his head slightly. “I'm not sure I'm ready to tell anyone. At the time, only my family knew. Chris, Gerard, Pete, and Mom. And school...I just...I have trouble making new friends and building new relationships because I'm scared of telling people, and because I'm scared it'll happen again.”

I leaned over, rubbing between his shoulderblades slowly. “Mikey...you can tell me anything, I won't judge you or tell anyone else..”

He took a deep breath and shook his head again, gently shrugging my hand off. “I'm not ready, Frank, I'm sorry. Maybe...maybe when I get to know you better.”

I smiled slightly and folded my hands in my lap. “Okay. That seems fair. Can I ask you about something else?”

Mikey glanced at me, smiling wryly. “You can, but I might not answer.” 

“Sure. Gerard said you had an eating disorder. Have you been diagnosed?”

Mikey's lip curled slightly and he looked down at the carpet. “Gerard doesn't really get it. It's not...it's not like that, it's more of an anxiety thing.”

“With the routine and all that?”

“Yeah, exactly. I just get really anxious when I don't stick to it, and I have to skip a meal or something...Gerard didn't understand at all to start with, and I missed a lot of meals because he was with a client at twelve and I was too anxious that someone was here to go get food or whatever. Gerard thought that because I missed all these meals that I was starving myself..”

I nodded slightly, tentatively starting to rub his shoulder again as he kept his eyes fixed on the floor. 

“Um. And I was bullied a lot in school, they knew Gerard from when he went there and he was...he was a heavy kid, he got bullied too. And he lost all the weight and stuff, y’know? He did really well for himself, but then he…” Mikey hesitated, but went on quietly. “And the kids I went to school with, they knew about that. They called me anorexic and teased me, they said things like, ‘oh Mikey looks heavier today, he should skip some meals,’ and so on. And um. They told me to kill myself...just before I dropped out-” Mikey sniffed, turning his head away from me just slightly. “They called me a slut...and I think...a-a lot of that stuck with me..” 

He glanced at me worriedly, his eyes a little watery. “I'm sorry, I'm telling you all these horrible things, I-”

“No, Mikey, it's okay,” I soothed quickly, smiling at him encouragingly. “It's alright, I really don't mind. And I think I understand what you mean. It's like...you aren't purposely doing it, but every now and then, it pops into your head and maybe you don't feel so hungry?”

Mikey nodded quickly, looking down again. “Yeah. Sometimes I look in the mirror and I see...I see rolls and extra fat...and then sometimes I look in the mirror and I look skinny, really skinny, and it scares me. Sometimes I just look normal, and Gerard tells me that's what's really there...and it's not really like I'm hallucinating...it's just my perception of it, y'know?”

“Yeah, I think I understand. It's not actually a different image, it's just how you see that image.”

“Exactly,” Mikey smiled slightly, glancing at me again. “And I try not to let it affect me, y'know? But when I'm already anxious or just having a bad day, sometimes I'll skip a meal or like...have a really big meal instead. It's just...how I am.”

I nodded, squeezing his shoulder gently. “Why were they calling you a…a slut?” 

Mikey took a sharp breath in and shuddered slightly. “Because of the older guy...Brendon.”

“You don't have to tell me, then, it's okay,” I soothed quickly, rubbing his back again slowly. “What other kinds of things get you anxious?”

Mikey swallowed hard and shrugged. “I don't like parks. Or um...woods and stuff. Pete tried to take me on a hike once, it didn't end well. And um...a lot of the places I went with...Brendon, I can't go there now. I get nightmares a lot, and I don't like being in any kind of situation where I can be touched by strangers, like the subway in New York. That's like my idea of hell. And being...being hit on, especially like...sexually, y'know? I tried going to a gay club once and I had to leave..”

I swallowed hard, starting to build an outline in my mind of what might have happened as he talked. 

Mikey looked at me and smiled sadly, his body still leant forward and his shoulders hunched. “I'm kind of a fuck up.”

I shook my head quickly, offering him my hand. “You're not, Mikey. Not at all. It sounds kind of like you have post traumatic stress, and that's really normal for people who have been through something horrible, especially when they were younger. You're not a fuck up, you're just hurt.”

Mikey smiled a little wider, taking my hand loosely. “Gerard was right, you are really nice to talk to. Sometimes...he loves me so much, and he just gets too aggressive. And frustrated with me, because he wants me to be okay, and it's nice just to...to talk to someone who's calm and more detached.”

I squeezed his hand lightly, forcing a small smile. “I understand, Mikey. It's okay..” 

“I overshare all the time, I'm sorry...I think it runs in the family.”

I chuckled and ran my thumb over his skin slowly. “That's really okay, Mikey. I don't mind. I'm just glad that I can help you get all that off your chest. Y'know, I'm always here if you want to talk about anything. You have my phone number, you can always text me or whatever.”

Mikey nodded, looking down at his lap again. “I just...it's so hard, because I thought...I thought it was all temporary, the nightmares, being scared of people, the routine. I thought that y'know, if I went to therapy and if Brendon...got..” Mikey swallowed, not looking at me. “If Brendon wasn't in my life anymore, then I'd be better. Everything would go away at some point and I'd be normal again, but it hasn't. And that's so hard for me to handle sometimes.” 

“I know how you feel, Mikey. I used to think that as soon as I was grown up, I'd have everything I wanted and I’d be happy. I'm on medication for depression and I have been since I was a teenager, and I don't think that's going to change anytime soon. It sucks, it really does, but you kind of just have to take a deep breath and realize that that doesn't mean your life is over. It doesn't mean that you can't achieve what you want, it just means you have to work a little harder.”

“I just wish it wasn't that way.”

“Don't we all,” I smiled, squeezing his hand again lightly. “I'm really glad you chose to talk to me today, Mikey.”

He nodded slightly and stood up slowly. “Do you uh...do you want a snack? I'm...not really used to having anyone but Pete or Gerard around..” 

“That's okay. If you're having something, then I will, but I'm not overly hungry..”

Mikey smiled at me, his eyes suddenly full of fear again. “Um. I don't..”

I shrugged, looking up at him worriedly. “Mikey, if you're uncomfortable and looking for something to do, you could maybe show me your bass? Or we could play video games or something. I'm not hard to entertain, I promise. I’ll do anything you want to.”

Mikey swallowed hard, then forced another smile. “Okay. I'll um. Go get my bass..” 

~

I was woken from my comfortable couch slumber at around four in the morning, when I heard shouting from upstairs. I sat up quickly, listening for it again, just in case it had been part of a dream. It came again, indistinct, but it was definitely Mikey's voice. I got up hurriedly, almost tripping over my own feet as I managed to find my way out of the living room in the dark, then jogged up the dimly lit staircase. 

“Mikey?”

I heard muttering from behind one of the bedroom doors, so I knocked before turning the handle and slipping inside. “Mikey?”

He was sprawled on his stomach, twitching slightly every now and then, and when I turned the light on, I could see that his face was twisted in pain and fear. 

“Mikey!”

I didn't want to intrude, but he wasn't responding to my voice, so I reluctantly slipped into the room, sitting down on the edge of the bed. 

I reached out to shake his shoulder, my fingers trembling as they brushed his sheet-covered skin. “Mikey...Mikey, wake up, it's okay,” I said softly, gently nudging him back and forth until he finally let out a quiet groan, shifting slightly. 

“Mikey, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to intrude, I'm sorry..” I mumbled quickly, standing up as he slowly opened his eyes and fixed them on me. 

“It's...it's okay,” he slurred quietly, rubbing the side of his face lightly. “Thanks..”

“It's alright. Do you need to get up or talk about it or anything?”

Mikey smiled at me sleepily, shaking his head slightly. “I just gotta go back to sleep.”

“Alright. Goodnight then, Mikey. I'll see you later on in the morning.”

“Mhm.”

I walked out, turning the lights off before shutting the door behind me with a soft click. I wandered back downstairs and fell onto the couch easily, letting out a long sigh as I crawled under the covers. 

~

“Frank...Frank, I made breakfast.”

I grunted softly and Mikey tugged at my blanket more urgently. “Frank! It's nearly breakfast time.”

“Fuck, okay, I'm coming,” I mumbled, batting at his hand lightly. “Give me a minute. You can start without me, I don’ mind.”

Mikey heaved a loud sigh and I heard retreating footsteps. I yawned and opened my eyes, rubbing the sleep out of them before sitting up and quickly tugging on a t shirt and a pair of jeans. I managed to get up and forced myself to walk into the kitchen, sitting down at the table across from Mikey, where he'd set out a plate with hash browns, fake bacon, and an egg. 

“Is it okay?” He asked nervously, tilting his head to the side slightly. 

I flashed him the biggest smile I could muster that early in the morning and nodded. “It's great, Mikey, thank you.” 

“You're welcome.” 

He glanced at his watch and picked up his knife and fork, tucking in quickly. I sighed and followed suit, eating in relative silence until my plate was completely empty. 

“That was delicious Mikey, thank you,” I commented genuinely as I laid my cutlery down. 

Mikey smiled, but ran a hand through his hair, looking down at the table as he clenched and relaxed his jaw a few times. “Frank?”

“Yeah?”

“Will you stay? For dinner tonight. Gerard is always...he's really moody and angry when he gets back from visiting Chris and it would be nice if you could maybe...be a buffer, I guess.”

I shrugged and nodded slightly. “I haven't got anything else on my calendar for today, so sure. Have you ever tried talking to him about it, though?”

“Yeah, but he just gets more upset. It's not his fault, he just misses him,” Mikey mumbled quickly, taking a deep breath. “And um. I did some thinking last night. Gerard really trusts you and he thinks that I should trust you too. So if you wanna know about Brendon, I’m gonna tell him you can ask him. He’ll tell you everything. I'm not ready to tell you, but I'm ready for you to know.”

“Oh..” I hesitated, rubbing the bridge of my nose lightly. “Okay, Mikey. As long as you're sure.”

“I am.”

~

I heard the front door slam and Mikey jumped slightly, glancing down the hall. 

“Mikey?”

Gerard wandered into the living room, his hair all messed up and his eyes dull. He glanced at me and sighed. “Mikey, what's-”

“I just thought you might like some more company,” Mikey said quickly, smiling at his brother. “How was it?”

“Bittersweet as always. Frank, you can go home if you want, I'm just gonna go to bed.”

“What about dinner? I made you pasta,” Mikey mumbled, running a hand through his hair slowly before looking down at his lap. Gerard leaned over to kiss his cheek and ruffled his hair lightly. 

“I'm sure it's delicious, Mikey, but I'm not hungry. I just wanna go sleep.”

“It's five in the afternoon,” I cut in quietly. “You should really have something to eat.”

Gerard flicked his gaze to me, his face expressionless as he heaved a huge sigh. “It's nice that you guys care, but I'm really not hungry. Sorry.”

Gerard turned and started towards the stairs slowly. Mikey buried his face in his hands, just letting him go. As soon as Gerard was upstairs, Mikey got up, shaking his head slightly. 

“I'm gonna go finish dinner..”

“Alright.”

I sighed and watched Mikey hurry off, then got up myself and jogged upstairs. I found Gerard’s door and knocked on it lightly. 

“Mikey, I-”

“It's Frank.”

There was a pause and then the door swung open a crack and Gerard peered out, his eyes narrowed slightly. “Mm?”

“I'm just worried about you,” I murmured, shoving my hands in my pockets. “Are you okay?”

“Not really. I'll be okay tomorrow, though. Thanks for staying with Mikey.”

“It's no problem. We had a good talk, actually. But um...are you going to be okay tonight?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay. Should I go then..? If you don't need me?”

Gerard nodded, pushing the door open wider as he pulled me into a quick hug. “I'll be fine, I promise. I'll see you soon, Frank.” 

“Okay,” I sighed, hugging him loosely. “You mean a lot to me, Gerard.”

“You too..”

I broke away and squeezed his shoulder before walking off down the hall. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm exhausted for some reason today...and super irritable  
> But here's a chapter, I'm currently writing chapter 25


	17. Chapter 17

F

I dialed the number and listened to it ring, blinking as Gerard picked up. 

“Hey.”

“Hi.”

“How are you doing?” Gerard asked, his voice flat and disinterested. 

“I'm okay. I put a deposit on an apartment today,” I answered, looking down at my lap. “I've been packing.”

“Cool.”

“Yep.”

There was a pause and Gerard sighed. 

“Mikey said he wanted me to tell you about Brendon. Is that why you called?”

I bit my lip lightly, then shrugged, even though he couldn't see it. “Yeah, I guess. I just...I'm worried about him.”

“Aren't we all? I guess I should just give you the overview, right?”

“Sure,” I hummed, running a hand through my hair and hating myself for the slight excitement building in my stomach. I loathed how nosy I could be. 

“Brendon was this guy from the university and he took Mikey on a few dates. He was Mikey's first kiss and all that. And um. Brendon took Mikey out of school the day after I found out they'd been together for like a couple weeks. He took him to this park and into the woods and he raped him,” Gerard’s voice was even and quiet, but my stomach dropped and I struggled to breathe, my fingers curling in my lap. 

“He had handcuffs and everything, he planned it. And yeah. Mikey walked all the way home and then collapsed on the floor, Chris had to take him to the police station.”

I put a hand over my eyes, my fingers trembling slightly as I tried to take deep breaths. My body felt numb and heavy, my throat closing up with each intake of air. 

“Frank? You still there?”

“Y-yeah..”

Gerard sighed again quietly, and I heard him sniff. “It's not a nice story..”

“No...I...I was beginning to get the picture, but...Jesus, I was hoping I was wrong..”

I dropped my hand back into my lap, staring at the wall opposite me. 

“Yeah, I know. I should have...I should have told him he couldn't see Brendon anymore. I should have grounded him for lying to me. I d-did it all wrong..” Gerard’s voice broke and my own breathing hitched. 

“Gerard, it's not your fault...if you'd punished him, he probably would've gone anyway..”

“I should have done  _ something _ !”

“How could you have known?”

Gerard started to cry, ever so softly, and a wave of emotion broke over me suddenly, drowning me in despair and rage. 

“I can't believe anyone could ever do that to a kid..”

“M-me neither,” Gerard sniffed, his voice wobbly and thick with tears. “He hurt him so bad, Frank. He's so scared, all the time..” 

I took slow, deep breaths, trying to calm my mind. 

“He’ll be okay one day, Gerard. He just needs to learn to let people in more. I promise he’ll be okay.”

“B-but Brendon was his first,” Gerard whimpered softly. “How do you get over that?”

“I have no idea, Gerard, but people do overcome these things. I'm sure Mikey can too, I just don't know how we help him.”

Gerard’s breath shuddered and he sniffed again. “I just wanna make it all better.”

“I know..”

There was a long pause as Gerard tried to get his tears back under control, and when he finally spoke again, he sounded much calmer. 

“Can you come over tomorrow evening? Mikey still needs help with his English essay, and I could make dinner...I'm so tired..”

“Yeah, Gerard. I don't mind coming over,” I soothed quietly as his voice morphed into a sort of shaky sigh over the last word. “I'll be there around five..” 

~~~

Mikey was just walking out of the front door when I arrived at Gerard’s house, a backpack slung over one shoulder. He smiled at me and I got out of my car, hurrying over. “Everything okay?” He opened his own car door, tossing the bag into the backseat. 

“Chris got injured, he's coming home tomorrow morning. Gerard is freaking out completely and we kind of had a fight about it. I'm gonna go stay with Pete tonight.”

“Oh...is Chris okay?”

Mikey rolled his eyes and nodded. “He fell off his friend’s motorbike at like four miles an hour and broke his arm, he's perfectly fine.”

“Sounds painful, and kinda stupid,” I commented, leaning back against the front of Mikey's car. He moved to stand next to me, folding his arms over his chest. 

“Yeah, it's just that when Gerard gets really scared and frantic, he gets snappy with me and he says things he doesn't mean and we get into really big fights. I'm leaving now so I don't end up saying something I regret.”

I nodded slowly, looking down at my frayed shoes. “I get it. Gerard told me, by the way. Yesterday.”

“I know.”

“I'm sorry.”

Mikey shrugged and gently bumped his shoulder against mine. “It's okay. Don't feel guilty or anything like Gerard. It's not...it's not anyone’s fault but Brendon’s. I've...I'm still healing and I'm still struggling with anxiety and all that, but I've come to terms with what happened, I guess. I understand it better than Gerard does.” He shot me a small smile and I smiled back, but I knew it looked sickly and uncertain. 

“I'm still sorry.”

Mikey nodded, swallowing hard as he looked down at the pavement. I studied the side of his face, the way his eyes scrunched up as he stared at the ground, and the way he was chewing the inside of his cheek. “You don't have to be,” he said after a while. “But it's nice of you. You're a nice person, better than I deserve.”

“Hey, I-”

“I know you'll disagree, but that's because you're too nice,” Mikey chuckled softly, then jerked his chin toward the house. “If Gerard says something mean, just ignore him. He doesn't mean it, he's just scared. You remember when we were in the cafe and I called our mom a bitch and he defended her?”

“Yeah?”

“Well, she blamed what happened to me with Brendon on the fact that I was gay.”

I looked up at him in blatant horror and disbelief, and he nodded slowly, pursing his lips slightly as his gaze drifted away from me a few inches.

“He cussed her out. Screamed at her, multiple times. He got custody of me, in the end. She tried to call the police, but he got a lawyer he could barely pay for and fought for me. He tries to make up for the names he called her when he was frightened of losing me by defending her.” Mikey let out a soft chuckle, looking down at the ground again. “He's such a good guy, he doesn't mean to be shitty sometimes.”

I blinked and shrugged. “I drink too much sometimes.”

Mikey snorted and shook his head. “Nice guys always get taken advantage of, beaten down. You and Gerard...people take you and they suck all the nice out and then dump you in a dark alley with nothing but a bottle of booze. You don't realize how many people around you are just there because you're nice to them, and when your nice runs out, they’ll just ditch you. That's how you nice guys end up with no one. And it's horrible.”

“Didn't Gerard have you?”

Mikey shrugged, uncrossing his arms and shoving his hands in his pockets instead. “I was just a kid, not really someone he could pour out his soul to. I mean...I was a reason to stay, and I'm so glad he had me. I'm so so glad that when he woke up in the hospital, I was there to hold his hand, but it wasn't enough. He ended up with this string of boyfriends, and a couple girlfriends, who just...used him. The drinking got better, but the drugs got worse. He hid it from everyone, and he didn't tell me until a few years ago, but he was taking cocaine just to get out of bed in the morning. And then he went to this show completely high out of his mind, and guess who was playing?”

I smiled slightly and Mikey grinned at me. 

“Fate is weird. But yeah, Chris used to drink, like a normal amount, and he used to bring beers into the house, but a little while after everything happened with Brendon and I, he stopped. He never did drugs either, and he helped Gerard so much. He was that shoulder to cry on, y'know? And he got him off of everything and now Gerard just drinks coffee instead of snorting coke.”

“You can love people to death and still not be giving them everything they need,” I mused softly, and Mikey nodded quickly. 

“Exactly. I loved- and still love- Gerard with all of my heart, but I'll never be everything he needs. Neither will Chris. That's just not...not how people work, I guess. Anyway, I should go, and Gerard could do with having you around.” 

I smiled and nodded, and Mikey narrowed his eyes at me briefly. 

“Y'know, it almost feels good. Knowing that you know about Brendon. It's refreshing, like I don't have to hide.”

I shrugged and reached over, squeezing Mikey's shoulder lightly. “You don't, Mikey. You never have, I'm not the type of person to judge.”

He smiled brightly and pulled me into a very brief and minimal contact hug, then walked around to the driver's side of his car and wrenched the door open. “Good luck with Gerard.”

“Thanks.”

I headed up the steps to the front door, pausing to glance back at Mikey's car as it pulled into the road. I sighed and pushed the door open. 

“Gerard?”

He didn't answer, so I wandered inside, shutting the door behind me and kicking my shoes off. I went into the living room and he was curled up on the couch, staring at nothing. 

“Gerard..” I sighed and walked over, throwing myself down next to him and shaking his shoulder lightly. He'd been crying, his eyes red and his cheeks pale, and I could tell he’d been running his hand through his hair. 

He jerked away from my touch. “Fuck off.”

“Gerard, don't be a dick, I'm here to help. How's Chris?”

Gerard let out a slow breath and finally turned his head to look at me. “In hospital.” 

“Just a broken arm, right?”

“And wrist. He's getting a pin put in, and Ryan is gonna bring him home.”

“Ryan?”

“One of the guitarists. He lives in New York, so he's gonna help Chris home and then head on to his place.”

I nodded, starting to rub Gerard’s shoulder slowly, soothingly. “That's great. There's nothing to worry about, then. When's he going to be home?”

“Four tomorrow morning..”

“That's not too long to wait, right? You can-”

“Did Mikey leave?”

I blinked and nodded slightly, moving my hand between his shoulder blades. “Yeah, he's gonna stay with Pete. He said he was worried about you, but didn't want it to end in a fight.”

Gerard sighed and buried his face in his hands, sniffling quietly. “Shit.”

“He's fine, Gerard,” I assured him quietly. “He seemed...well, he seemed better than I've seen him when he left. He was chatty and calm. He's just trying to do the best thing for both of you.” 

Gerard dropped his hands into his lap, smiling at me sadly. “He always does..”

Gerard’s phone rang suddenly and he snatched it up, answering it quickly, but not moving off his spot. 

“Hey..”

I could hear what I assumed to be Chris's voice perfectly clearly on the other end of the line, but looked down at my hands as I tried to pretend I couldn't hear. 

“Hey, baby. You okay?”

“I'm not the one who's injured,” Gerard pointed out softly, and Chris chuckled. 

“I know, gorgeous. But I know you get all frantic about things when you're scared. I don't have much time cause I gotta start packing stuff up soon, but I just wanted you to know that I'm out of surgery and it all went fine. Nothing to worry about..”

Gerard looked down, picking at the pilling on his sweatpants. “I know, but I'm still gonna worry,” he mumbled, his voice soft and thick. 

“Well, don't. I'm gonna be just fine. Ryan is bringing me all the way home, yeah? I've got my cast, it doesn't hurt. I'm not in pain, I'm just tired and ready to come home and see my gorgeous fiancé..”

“Frank is here..” 

I snapped my head up and Gerard smiled at me sadly. 

“Yeah? Well tell him no funny business cause I'm on my way home,” Chris chuckled softly, then his voice dropped into a more serious tone. “No, baby, have him spend the night, yeah? I'm assuming Mikey left?”

“Yeah..”

“Then Frank should stay. You need company or you're gonna get yourself all wound up and anxious. And I'll get to meet him when I get in, which’ll be a nice bonus.”

“Okay, Chrissy...miss you.”

Chris sighed quietly, and I could hear someone talking in the background. “I love you, Gee. So so much, yeah? I'll see you soon, beautiful.”

“Y-yeah...I love you too..” 

Gerard hung up and dropped his phone into his lap, glancing at me. “You heard all of that, huh?”

“Sorry, I-”

“It's fine,” Gerard said quickly, looking away. “If I minded I would have gotten up.”

“Is he seriously worried about me and you?”

Gerard burst out laughing, shaking his head quickly and grinning at me when he saw my fake hurt expression.

“Is it really that funny?”

Gerard leaned over and kissed my cheek. “Yeah, kind of. You're my friend, Frank. I don't...I'm not that type of person, and Chris trusts me. We trust each other, for the most part. I'm more prone to jealousy than he is, but we don't really...get like that. He's around other guys without me for his job and in his life, and vice versa, that's just how life is.”

I nodded, trying to stifle a yawn. “We should order pizza or something.”

“Was Mikey really okay?”

I blinked at Gerard’s worried face and nodded quickly. “Yeah, of course. He seemed just fine.”

“Good.”

“Mhm.” 

~

I glanced at my watch, wincing. It was nearly two in the morning and I had been watching Keeping Up With The Kardashians for about an hour, unable to reach the tv remote. Gerard was fast asleep on me, the top of his head resting against the side of my neck, his cheek on the front of my shoulder. I had one arm around him, the other laid on his hip, and his legs stretched over my lap. 

I was loathe to wake him after he'd only just fallen asleep, but I really really hated the Kardashians. 

I leaned my head against his slightly, taking a deep breath as I realized how perfect this felt. I'd always been one to enjoy cuddling and the intimacy of simple, non-sexual contact, but Gerard’s weight against my side was utterly blissful. 

The last time I'd sat like this with my now ex-wife would most likely have been over a year ago, and I hadn't had anyone to cuddle with since she’d left me. I hadn't been touched the way Gerard was touching me in far too long. 

I buried my face in his bright red hair, tightening my grip on him as I felt a burst of uncomfortable emotion in my chest. I closed my eyes, breathing in the soft coconut scent and trying to imagine that Mikey's awkward hug in the driveway could one day evolve into this, that he could cling to me and fall asleep on me and touch me in all the right places to make me feel warm and wanted and loved. 

I heard a key scraping in the lock on the front door and quickly pulled away from Gerard’s hair, looking over my shoulder down the hall. There was a click as the door opened, and a soft clunk as it shut, then the sound of shoes being shoved onto a rack. Quiet footsteps came down the hall and Chris finally came into view. 

Mikey had not been wrong, he was much taller than me. His long black hair was perfectly groomed and straightened, with a flash of sophisticated purple down one side. His makeup was a little theatrical for my taste, and his three lip rings were perhaps over the top, but when he smiled at me, I could see the kindness in his golden eyes. He walked over slowly, adjusting the sling around his arm carefully and chuckling to himself when he spotted Gerard. 

“Don't look so frightened, Frank,” Chris said softly, shaking his head slightly. “I'm not gonna accuse you of anything..”

I swallowed hard and tried to smile, but I couldn't help feeling guilty for how much I had needed Gerard’s gentle touches. 

“He's like a koala. Just grabs onto anything nearby,” he went on, walking around to the front of the couch and crouching down as he grinned at his fiancé. “Adorable. Has he been okay?” He asked, looking up at me worriedly. 

I nodded slightly, not wanting to move too much. “Yeah, just anxious. I tried to keep him distracted.”

“Mmm. Mikey okay?”

I nodded again, glancing down at Gerard as he shifted slightly. “Yeah, he seemed happy enough.”

“Good,” Chris hummed, then reached out and slowly stroked Gerard's cheek, rolling his eyes as the redhead made a soft noise of protest and turned his head away from the touch, into my shoulder. “Gerard...Gee..” Chris called quietly, in a singsong voice, running his fingertips down Gerard’s arm. 

Gerard stirred again, grumbling something and yawning. I gave him a gentle shake. 

“Gerard, wake up, hon..”

“No...m’tired.”

“Want me to make you some coffee?” Chris suggested softly, and Gerard squealed, immediately throwing himself out of my lap and towards his fiancé. Chris burst out laughing, catching Gerard as he nearly fell off the couch. 

“Chrissy!” Gerard bounced to his feet like a small child, flinging his arms around the taller man’s neck as Chris stood up slowly. 

“Fuck, I missed you,” he mumbled, wrapping his good arm around Gerard's waist as he kissed the side of his neck. “My gorgeous boy..”

I stood up uncertainly, wringing my hands slightly as I glanced around the room. Chris lifted his head to smile at me and I smiled back nervously. 

“Um...I can go make coffee if you want..”

Chris nodded slightly, gently pulling away from Gerard. “That would be great, Frank, if you wouldn't mind. I'm just gonna take Gerard upstairs, he needs some more sleep, but I could do with a coffee.”

I nodded and hurried into the kitchen, glad of something to do that was out of the way. 

 

I looked up as Chris walked in, opening the fridge to get the milk out. “Hey. Thanks for watching him, Frank. I get worried about him when he's all anxious.”

I smiled and shrugged, offering him a mug. “It's no problem. You want sugar?”

“No, thanks. Are you sure Mikey is okay?”

I chuckled softly and nodded quickly. “You sound like Gerard. He's completely fine, really. He even gave me a hug, so I think he's doing okay.”

“Really?”

“Yeah.”

Chris stirred milk into his coffee and put the jug away, leaning back against the counter. “I'm glad..”

There was a short pause and Chris broke the silence easily. 

“Y'know, you really don't have to be nervous around me. Gerard would never cheat, and I know that. He knows the same about me..”

I sighed and nodded again, taking a deep breath. “It's not really that, and I'm not interested in Gerard that way anyway, it's just that I get nervous around most people anyway. I only know you from what Gerard’s told me, and that puts me in this weird situation where I kind of know you but also don't at all.”

Chris took a sip of his coffee, keeping his eyes fixed on me as I did the same. “I get it. But I'm glad you're around, Frank. You've really been a huge help to him, he loves having you to talk to, and he says you've been making a difference to Mikey as well.”

I felt my cheeks start to heat up slightly and shrugged. “I try my best, I'm not sure it's enough.”

Chris smiled. “I don't think anyone's best will ever be enough for these two. And I'm not here to interrogate you, by the way. My sleep schedule is all messed up from playing shows, that's all. I won't crash until probably around five. It's usually better not to fight it to start with.”

I took another long sip of my coffee, staring down into the dark liquid as I lowered my mug. “I get it, and I’d understand if you wanted to ask me questions anyway.” 

Chris tilted his head to the side and smiled to himself. “I like you, Frank. You seem really down to earth. Y'know you can ask me anything you want, too.”

I took a deep breath, then looked up at him curiously. “Gerard said that when you get married, you might stop touring. Do you not enjoy it?”

Chris shrugged and set his mug down on the counter, pushing his good hand into the pocket of his jeans. “I enjoy being with Gerard more. I didn't tour for a year when one of our guitarists quit, and spending all that time with Gee...it was like pure bliss. We got to go on date nights and trips away, and it was perfect. I really really love him, and I know I want to spend the rest of my life with him.  _ All _ the rest of my life. Does that make sense?”

“Yeah, it's really sweet.” 

“It's not that sweet,” Chris chuckled, looking down at the floor. “It's selfish, in some ways. I'd be breaking up the band to do it...I want to, because I'm selfish and I want Gerard with me, and I want to be happy here and build my life with him. But I gotta...I need to make sure that he and I are on the same page with what we want, in terms of our future and family.”

I nodded, sipping at my coffee again. “He's just worried about Mikey.”

“I know. We need to talk about it more than we have, that's all,” Chris smiled, taking his hand out of his pocket to run it through his hair. “Gerard was right, you are really easy to talk to.”

I grinned and looked down at my feet, wiggling my toes slightly. “I guess. It's a newfound talent of mine.”

Chris rolled his eyes and picked up his mug again. “Well, use it for good, Frank. Have you got pillows and blankets and stuff? I think I'm gonna go up and keep an eye on Gerard, if that's okay.”

I nodded quickly. “Sure, it's fine. I've um. I've gotta get to work early tomorrow, so I probably won't see you in the morning, just so you know.”

“Alright. I'll tell Gerard. We should all go out for dinner or something this week, it would be fun, and good for Mikey.” 

“Definitely. They both have my number, so..”

“Yeah. Alright, Frank, I'll see you around.”

“It was nice to meet you.”

Chris smiled and started towards the stairs. I watched him go, sighing to myself softly before heading back into the living room to sleep. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just watched Celebrity Juice and it had Ed Sheeran on it. I never watch that show really but I thought it might be more fun with an actual celebrity. I was not disappointed, I cried laughing, but I may have nightmares tonight...for my US readers, there is a lot more allowed on late night tv in this country...  
> Anyway! Hope you enjoyed this, and a little more explanation from Mikey. Have a good night/day <3


	18. Chapter 18

M

Gerard glanced up as I walked into the kitchen. “Hey, I'm nearly done with dinner, how was work?”

I swallowed hard and shrugged slightly. “It was boring as always...Gerard, can I talk to you about something?”

“Yeah, of course,” he smiled, closing the oven quickly. “Just let me get the potatoes on, and after dinner I have a client at six thirty, just so you know.”

“Okay. I'm gonna go change my shirt, I'll be back in a couple minutes.”

“Alright.”

 

When I got downstairs again, Gerard was sitting on the couch, texting Chris. I sat down next to him nervously, wringing my hands in my lap. 

“Where's Chris today?”

“He went to see Ryan, he promised to help him install his tv or something, I dunno. He’ll be back sometime after dinner.”

“Okay.”

Gerard locked his phone and set it aside, looking up at me curiously. “What's going on?”

I sighed and ran a hand through my hair slowly. “Remember when I told Frank to go fuck himself?”

Gerard grinned and nodded quickly. “How could I forget?”

I felt a blush rising on my cheeks and looked down at the floor quickly. “I'm kind of rethinking things, I guess.”

“How so?” He asked gently, his smile fading slightly as he squeezed my shoulder soothingly. 

“Um. Well. He's...I don't know, I'm not sure what made me change my mind so quickly...but he's so...comfortable to talk to, y'know? And he's not overly emotional about things, he comforts me, but he doesn't really freak out himself. He's okay with my anxiety, and he's...he's really cute, to be honest. He's handsome and he's got really...it sounds dumb, but he has really kind eyes. I gave him a hug the other day, when Chris came home, and he didn't try to cling to me or touch me more than I wanted, he just let me kind of dictate, y'know? He makes me feel kinda safe..” 

Gerard grinned and pulled me into a slightly awkward hug, rubbing my side. “I told you so!”

I snorted and pushed him away quickly. “Don't get too excited, I'm still a long way off from like...going on a date with him. But um. Maybe more touching and talking, y'know? He's still gotta help me with my school work at some point..”

Gerard let go of me carefully, chuckling softly. “Yeah, I suppose he still hasn't had the chance. Just remember you can say no to him, right?”

“I know,” I mumbled quietly, swallowing hard. “I'm going to have to talk to him about it.”

“Mikey, I'm sure he knows what consent is and-”

“No, I mean...explain that I have trouble saying no sometimes..”

“Oh,” Gerard smiled, shaking his head slightly. “I get it. I think that's a good idea, but I'm sure Frank will understand.”

“How has his drinking been?”

Gerard blinked and sighed, looking down at his lap. “Better. But Frank...he wouldn't drink around you, Mikey. And he's really trying to get sober. It's been almost a week, I think. He's feeling better in his new apartment, away from reminders and all that.” 

“Makes sense.”

I heard a ping from the kitchen and Gerard glanced at his watch. “How about you help me dish up, it's twenty-five past?”

“Sure.”

~~~

Frank sat down next to me at the kitchen table, looking up as Chris set a mug of coffee down in front of him. “Oh, thanks.”

“No problem. Mikey, Gerard is out until two, okay? I'm working today, but I'll be upstairs if you need anything.”

“Sure, thanks,” I said quickly, shooting him a look to  _ just go already.  _ He flashed me a brief, knowing smile, and walked out of the kitchen, pulling the door to behind him. 

Frank smiled at me, wrapping both hands around his mug. “What did you wanna work on today?”

I smiled back shyly, pushing the textbook towards him. “I don't really understand algebra two, I was wondering if you could show me how to do some of these?”

Frank sucked in a breath through his teeth sharply. “Jesus, Mikey. Throw me in at the deep end, why don't you?” He chuckled, scanning over the page. “Can I see you try and work through one? I might be able to figure out what you're doing wrong more easily that way.” 

I nodded, grabbing my notepad and starting to work. Frank interrupted me gently about halfway through. “You're forgetting a step in multiplying these out,” he murmured quietly. “You gotta remember to multiply everything, right? You're just missing out part of the FOIL method.”

I glanced at him blankly and he grinned. “Didn't you learn that in algebra one?”

“It was so long ago,” I groaned quietly, starting to feel embarrassed. Frank rolled his eyes fondly and pulled the paper towards him. 

“First, outer, inner, last, right? Look, you're just not quite..” Frank wrote out the numbers easily, humming to himself as he scribbled. I watched his tattooed fingers with fascination, mesmerized by the colors and patterns moving in front of me. He was one of those people that lay their head on their spare arm to write, and it was somehow incredibly endearing. He sat up and pushed the paper back to me. “See? Now you can divide by two really easily.”

“Ohh..”

I finished off the problem with no more difficulty, and moved onto the next one under Frank's careful supervision. 

I got the work done in record time and smiled at Frank as I pushed the book away. “That was so much easier than usual, thank you. I actually understand it now.”

He chuckled and shrugged, sipping at his coffee again. “You're welcome. I can't promise my help in math will be overly consistent. I don't think you're doing badly at all, though. You seem to be understanding most of it okay, you just need to take more time on each problem cause you tend to miss little things when you rush.” 

I nodded and rested my chin on my hand, looking down at my book. “I just hate math, I guess.”

“I don't mind it too much, when I understand it. It's kind of soothing, to me, to be able to spend time working something out and methodically getting to the answer. It's right or it's wrong and that’s comforting to me for some reason. I like those problems where you have to multiply out tons of polynomials and then simplify them. I dunno why.”

I gave him an odd look and we both started to laugh softly. “Yeah, I know I'm weird,” Frank grinned, shrugging contentedly. “That's okay. What's next?”

“Chemistry?”

Frank pulled a face, but nodded. “Okay. I'll give it go, but you should try this website called Khan academy. They do these really good videos, they sometimes go more in depth than you really need for high school, but they explain everything really nicely, and they do loads of different subjects.”

“I can um...I can look at that if you don't wanna-”

“No, no, it's fine,” Frank smiled, gently bumping his shoulder against mine. “Go get your books, I'll see if I can help..”

I studied his hazel eyes for a few seconds, then his face, just noticing everything. The slight wrinkles at the corners of his eyes as he smiled, the slight lopsidedness to his lips, and the way his hair flopped into his eyes carelessly. He was stunning, and I still wasn't sure how I felt about it. I wasn't sure how I felt about having my first real ‘crush’ in seven years. Ryan Reynolds didn't count, but Frank sure did. 

He shifted in his seat, glancing back towards the coffee pot. “Is there any more?”

“I think so,” I mumbled, getting up hurriedly as I tried to force the rising fear down in my stomach. My breath was coming short and fast, my hands starting to shake. I gathered up my books quickly and hurried out of the room before practically bolting up the stairs towards my bedroom. 

I almost slammed the door behind me, but reminded myself to shut it quietly instead, collapsing onto my bed as I tried to take deep breaths. 

I heard the door click, but didn't look up as Chris slipped into the room. “Mikey...you okay? I heard you run in here..”

“N-no..”

He shut the door again, walking over to me calmly and sitting down next to me. “Look at me, Mikey. Come on. Breathe in. One, two, three, four, five. Out. One, two, three, four...that's it. Count your breaths up to seventeen, down to one, up to sixteen, down to one, come on..”

Chris rubbed my back slowly, his long, tattooed fingers brushing over the fabric of my shirt as he watched me count. I counted all the way up and down from seventeen to one, and finally lifted my head, sniffling. Chris smiled at me sadly, taking one of my shaking hands in his steady one. 

“Hey. What's wrong?”

“I-I'm crushing on Frank..”

Chris hesitated, then sighed and squeezed my hand gently. “Oh, Mikey. It's not the end of the world, hon, it's not.”

“It's my first crush since Brendon,” I mumbled, my voice trembling slightly as I stared at the floor. “I'm scared.”

“I know, Mikey, but hiding from it won't help. Go downstairs and either get back to work or tell him how you feel. You need to start helping yourself a little more.” 

I nodded, getting up a little shakily and letting Chris help me with the rest of my school books before heading downstairs. Frank was waiting patiently at the table, a fresh mug of coffee in front of him. He smiled at me brightly as I walked over, my fingers trembling. 

“You okay, Mikey?”

I glanced at him, then sighed loudly, setting my books down carefully. “Frank, I'm...I'm starting to develop...well, it's a babyish word, but I think I have a crush on you..”

Frank blinked in shock and smiled slowly, pulling my chair out again for me. “Sit down, Mikey, there's no need to be so terrified. I won't bite, I promise..”

I collapsed into my chair, staring at him uncertainly as he folded his hands in his lap and turned slightly in his chair to face me. “Are you okay?”

“I kind of had a panic attack,” I answered quietly, looking away and feeling my cheeks start to heat up as per usual. “I just...I haven't really been attracted to anyone since Brendon, and-”

“And it's like opening a whole can of worms again, right? You're scared?” Frank suggested gently, clearly trying to show me he understood. 

I nodded slightly, reluctant to meet his gaze. 

“That's okay, Mikey. But um. The feeling is mutual. I think you're a...a handsome guy, and you have an amazing smile. I'd like to get to know you more, but I know how hard this is for you, and I'm not in any rush, I'm still healing from my divorce and working on my sobriety. We don't have to do anything official or anything differently than we are already..”

I nodded again, smiling shyly as I finally lifted my gaze to meet his. The kindness and gentle concern in his expression was almost overwhelming, and I struggled to force the words out. “I have trouble saying no to people..”

Frank picked up his mug, taking a long sip. “I understand. We can work something out. I can always double check your yes answers if you think that would help..”

“Please..”

He nodded and set the mug down again, reaching over to rub my shoulder lightly. “Of course, Mikey..”

I smiled to myself, looking back down at the table as I fiddled with my fingers. “I'm sorry that-”

“I don't like it when you start a sentence with that,” Frank chuckled softly, but I went on anyway. 

“I'm sorry that I'm not easy or normal.”

“I wouldn't want you any other way than the Mikey you are now. Except maybe a little happier,” Frank soothed, his voice slightly raspy. 

I nodded slightly, jumping a little as Frank ran his hand down my back slowly. “Mikey...look at me a second..”

I glanced up and he moved his hand to my cheek, stroking his thumb over my cheekbone lightly. “You're more than what he did to you. You're a handsome, smart person, and he can't take that away from you. You gotta live your life the way you want to, yeah?”

I smiled sadly and Frank rose out of his chair slightly to lean over and kiss my forehead. I blinked, unable to help myself from jerking back. 

“Sorry..” Frank mumbled, collapsing back into his chair. “Too much?”

I shrugged, looking down at the table again. “I'm not sure.”

“That's okay.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's short and been a couple days, I'm having a little writer's block and I've had a super busy weekend. I hope you enjoy this! I'm still on 25 I just had to rework it and I'm struggling to get it finished. I'm not sure how much longer this story will be, I've done my usual thing of coming up with a new really cool idea, but I'm going to try and keep this going, I promise! I'm just not overly sure where to take it next.  
> In any case, hope you have a good day/night, I might update again before I go to bed but I'm not sure xx


	19. Chapter 19

G

I helped Mikey load the last bag into his car, pulling him into a quick hug. “I'll see you soon, Gee, calm down,” he chuckled, breaking away gently and slamming the car door. “I'm only going to my apartment, it's like twenty minutes away. Besides, Chris has been back for two weeks, it's about time I left you guys alone.”

I sighed and nodded slightly. “I know, Mikes, but I'll still miss you.”

“Mhm. Cause you're weak,” he teased, then leaned over and kissed my cheek softly. “I'll be back soon, I promise.”

“I know. Drive safe..”

He grinned and got in behind the wheel, waving as I walked up onto the porch. I watched him drive away, heaving a huge sigh. 

Chris's hand landed on my shoulder and I jumped violently. 

“Sorry, baby, didn't mean to scare you,” he laughed, leaning down and kissing the side of my head. “Come inside, I made you some coffee..” 

 

Chris wrapped an arm around my shoulders as I leaned into his side, holding my mug tightly. 

“You alright?” He murmured softly, and I smiled to myself, twisting slightly to kiss his cheek. 

“Yeah, just gonna miss having Mikey around I guess. I'm so glad you're home, though...I've missed you..”

Chris sighed quietly and started to rub my shoulder slowly. “Gerard, I wanna talk about some stuff...with Mikey.”

I groaned softly and shook my head slightly, leaning forward to put my mug on the coffee table. “Chris, I can't do this right now, I-”

“Then when, baby? You keep putting it off,” Chris pointed out patiently, kissing my temple as I sat back again. 

“I dunno.”

Chris sighed and moved his arm from around my shoulders to his side, so he could rub my thigh lightly. “Geebear, the wedding is coming up in a few months and I need to figure out what I want to do. I love you to bits and I want to have a family with you, but that would mean breaking up the band and getting another job to be with you. I'm perfectly happy to do that, but I think we both need to be sure that it's what we want first. Have you thought about it any more?”

I shrugged, folding my arms over my chest and staring at the floor moodily. “No, I've been too worried about Mikey.”

“He's been fine, though,” Chris answered, starting to sound slightly exasperated. “Him and Frank have been getting on, it's been good.”

“But he's anxious about it.”

“Gerard, this is our  _ future,  _ the future of our family, and it makes me feel like you aren't interested in having a family with me when you keep using Mikey as an excuse.”

I swallowed hard, my palms starting to sweat as I felt the anger rising. “He's not a fucking excuse, Chris, he's my family and he has anxiety, and I have to deal with that on my own most of the time,” I said sharply, curling my fingers slightly. 

“Oh for fuck’s sake, Gerard,” Chris sighed dramatically, pinching the bridge of his nose as he pulled away from me slightly. “We never have time for _my_ family. You don't like going to see my parents, you don't like my bandmates, and now you clearly don't want kids with me. Is this relationship _ever_ going to be about me, or just you and Mikey?”

I stood up abruptly, shaking my head quickly. “You can't fucking talk to me like that, I didn't fucking say that, Chris! I didn't say that I didn't want to have kids with you, I just said that maybe the timing isn't right! I don't spend that much time on Mikey, I went out to see you, didn't I?”

Chris glared at me, folding his arms the best he could with the cast. “You did that for you, not me.  _ And  _ you made Frank babysit. Mikey's not a kid anymore, Gerard!”

“Well, he's my fucking family and I'm not abandoning him just because you wanna drag me to your parents’ house or make me go to the club with your weird friends!” I snapped, my hands still shaking slightly at my sides. 

“Y'know, if you aren't gonna make time or space for me in this relationship,” Chris said quietly, his teeth half gritted as he stood up slowly. “Then maybe I should just leave.”

I crossed my arms over my chest again, lifting my chin slightly. “Maybe you should.” 

Chris stared at me for a few seconds. Normally, when we fought, that was the point at which I’d break down crying and beg him not to go, but I was already past it. I couldn't think straight, my head hurt. I just felt so angry I couldn't rein it in at all. 

“Go on, Chris. I’m not gonna be the fucking cutesy little housewife you want. I'm not gonna push my fucking family away so you can feel like I spend enough time on you and pamper you and suck your stupid dick enough, so you might as well get the fuck out now!”

Chris walked towards me suddenly and I shrank back, but he just pushed past me and I heard the front door slam behind him. 

I stared at the carpet for a while, the adrenaline fading slowly. I let my hands fall to my sides, waiting for the door to open again and for Chris to call out for me. To tell me he was sorry, to ask me for an apology. Anything. 

~

I rang the doorbell shakily, grinning to myself. 

“Fraaaank!”

The door was flung wide suddenly and Frank was glaring at me. “Gerard, I'm not in the mood, go home.”

“But I brought you a present!” I giggled, pulling out the half full bottle of Jack. “We can-” I hiccuped softly and Frank's jaw dropped. “We can share!”

“Jesus fucking Christ, Gerard. Did you drive here?”

“Taxi..”

I pushed past him roughly, swaying a bit as I kicked my shoes off. Frank shut the front door quietly, walking over to me and steadying me with a hand on my back. 

“Gerard, I can't deal with this right now...where's Chris?”

“He walked out on me,” I grinned, wandering into the living room area and throwing myself down on the couch. I started to unscrew the cap on the bottle, but found it much more difficult than usual. “Said that I didn't want kids with him...blatant lie.” 

Frank walked over slowly, sitting down next to me and trying to take the bottle. “Gerard, I think you've had enough..”

“No!” I cried, snatching it back and huddling against the arm of the sofa. “I want it..”

“What do you want?”

“I wanna feel nothing..”

Frank sighed loudly and rubbed the bridge of his nose lightly. “Gerard, I can't do this, I'm going to call Mikey..”

“Don't you fucking dare! He’ll think I'm a fuck up!” I snapped quickly, tossing the bottle at him. “I'd hate you.”

Frank rolled his eyes and caught the bottle easily. “What did you and Chris fight about?”

“He said I didn't spend enough time on his family and that I baby Mikey too much. He says I need to stop so he can have a family with me.”

“I don't think he's wrong, Gerard, I-”

“Shh.”

He stared at me blankly for a few seconds and I grinned dumbly. “You're so pretty, Frankie.”

“Gerard, I think I need to make you some coffee, I-”

I grabbed him suddenly, wrapping my fingers around his jaw and pulling him into a deep, wet kiss. Frank jerked away quickly, gently pushing my chest. “No! Jesus Christ!”

I giggled happily, shrugging exaggeratedly and nearly falling off the couch. “Nothing works out, Frank! I'll never have a family with Chris and you'll never get Mikey! Nothing will ever be fine, so we should just get drunk!”

Frank stared at me for a few seconds, his eyes full of despair and a desperate hunger.

“Fuck it.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey so sorry it's short, but there's going to be a few short ones coming up in a few chapters anyway I think.   
> Anyway, hope you like it, as always it's really nice to see your comments! I've decided what direction I'm going to take this in, and I don't think you guys will like it much to start with, but I've planned a happy ending so..  
> <3


	20. Chapter 20

F 

I woke up in my bed, an arm wrapped around my waist from behind. I shifted and winced, feeling the sheets brushing over my bare skin. I was completely naked, and there was another person in my bed. 

I groaned softly, squeezing my eyes shut as the pain intensified. Everything hurt, but my head was throbbing, my fingers shaky. I pulled away from the person behind me and started to sit up, freezing suddenly as the memory of Gerard’s lips against mine washed over me. “Fuckin’ hell..”

I glanced behind me and let out a heartfelt sigh of relief as I saw black hair. “Hey.”

I nudged the person, and he lifted his head slightly to squint at me. 

“Get the fuck out,” I muttered, pressing my palm against my forehead. “Get out, I’m not letting you stay here.”

“Fuck you,” he grumbled, but sat up and reached for his clothes obediently. I fumbled with the drawer on the bedside table, which was always sticky, and managed to pull out my lighter and a box of cigarettes. I lit up as I watched the black-haired guy get dressed. He had a cute arse, but that was just about the only nice feature. 

_ It's not as cute as Mikey’s.  _

I forced the thought away, vaguely disgusted with myself as I tugged my ashtray out of the drawer. I took a long drag before knocking the ash off the end. 

“Bye,” the guy mumbled, and I looked up to see him by the door, his hand on the knob. 

“Mhm. See ya never.”

“Fuck you.”

I waited until I heard the front door slam, then got up and put on a pair of probably clean boxers and walked into the bathroom to start the shower running. I flicked the lights on and stared at the tub, letting it all sink into my barely functioning hungover brain. 

“Gerard?”

He was curled up in the tub, his head tipped to the side slightly. His shirt was ripped down the front, revealing his pale chest, and his fly was down, showing off some snazzy leopard print boxers. 

“Gerard!”

He didn't stir, so I walked over and put my hands under his arms, only just managing to drag him out of the tub before letting him down to lie on the floor. His head rolled to the side, revealing dark purple bruising on his jaw that I hadn't been able to see before. I shook his shoulder gently and he let out a quiet groan, then sputtered, rolling onto his side as a dribble of bright red ran down from the corner of his mouth to drip onto the clean white tiles. 

“Gerard! Fuck...are you okay?”

Gerard shifted, then shrugged. “Hurts..”

“Can you get up?”

“Maybe..”

~

I handed Gerard the ice pack and the mug of coffee, rubbing his shoulder slowly. He squinted at me, then sighed. 

“Wish you hadn't put a shirt on.”

“Shut up, Gerard, you're engaged, I need to pee.”

I wandered to the bathroom, turning the tap on before unlocking my phone and dialing Chris's number. It rang once before he picked up. 

“Frank? Frank, is Gerard there, I-”

“Slow down,” I groaned quietly, rubbing my eyes shakily. “I'm super hungover...Gerard’s super hungover...he's here, he's got like a bad jaw. I think he's okay, but I can't-...can't deal with this..”

Chris sighed loudly and took a very deep breath. “Why did you let him drink?”

“He came to my place already hammered...and I had a really bad day...he encouraged me to drink and I shouldn't have, but I did...and I'm sorry..” 

“What happened?”

“I d-don't remember. He kissed me, I remember that. Before I got drunk. He tried to kiss me and I told him no. I woke up with a different dude so I don't think he tried anything...Gerard was in the bath..” 

“He what?...shit, I'm sorry, Frank. You shouldn't have to deal with this. He's um…well, he's a completely different person when he's drunk. I'll come get him, okay? I'll be ten minutes, but uh...you should go over to Mikey’s and explain what happened. He’ll be upset if no one tells him.” 

“Okay. I'm just...my head hurts so bad..”

“Have some coffee, take some painkillers, drink loads of water, and have breakfast. It’ll help, I promise, and it's okay to give yourself some recovery time before you go see Mikey.”

~

Mikey opened the front door, staring at me for a few seconds. I forced a small smile.

“Can I come talk to you? It's about Gerard..”

Mikey nodded slightly and stepped back to let me in. I wandered into the tiny apartment and glanced around before walking to the couch and sitting down. It was a nice place, very clean and tidy and neat, exactly as I'd expected. It barely looked lived in. Mikey sat down next to me slowly, folding his arms over his chest. “What happened, Frank? You look worried.”

I sighed loudly, wringing my hands in my lap. “Well...Chris and Gerard had a really big fight, and  Gerard kind of showed up at my house drunk last night...he um. He tried to kiss me, and I told him I didn't want it...um. I'd already had a really bad day, so he managed to convince me to drink as well. He's fine, I think, I found him in my bathtub with a bruise on his jaw, Chris came and picked him up. Um...I woke up with a different guy, so I don't think anything happened..”

Mikey blinked and tilted his head slightly. “Are you okay?”

I smiled to myself just a tiny bit, nodding quickly. “Yeah, yeah. I'm okay. A little shaken, I don't feel so good, and I don't...I don't normally have one night stands with men, so I guess...I don't know..” The smile faded as I looked down, sighing softly. “I don't like what happened last night, but I'm not dwelling on it.”

Mikey watched me carefully, then reached over and gently lifted my chin, forcing me to look at him. “It's okay, Frank. Do you...want a hug? You look upset.”

I blinked and nodded slightly. “If you're offering.”

Mikey smiled a little nervously, then leaned over and wrapped his arms around me loosely, his chin resting on my shoulder. I very slowly moved my hands up to rest them on his back, leaning into him ever so slightly before he pulled away. 

“What are you upset about?”

I sighed and shrugged. “I'm not really sure, Mikey. I guess...I mean, you know about my sexuality...I'm not disgusted by sex with other men, but I'm not overly interested in sex with a boyfriend, let alone some random guy I met while I was drunk. It just makes me feel...a little dirty, I guess..” I glanced at him and his blank expression made my stomach twist. He'd been  _ raped _ , for God’s sake, and there I was complaining about having a consensual one night stand while I was drunk. “But it's okay,” I said quickly. “I'm fine, I don't really remember any of it.”

Mikey looked down, picking at a hole in his jeans. “Did you know that you can't lawfully give consent while heavily intoxicated?”

I blinked and shook my head quickly. “I'm sure it wasn't like that, Mikey. I'm fine, I promise.”

He smiled sadly and took a deep breath. “If you say so..”

“Oh fuck..” I muttered to myself. “I do, Mikey. I'm  _ okay.  _ I promise. And I didn't mean to make you upset, I know I'm a shitty person and I make people upset, but I really didn't mean to hurt  _ you _ ...a-and...I should probably just go..”

Mikey's hand shot out, closing around my wrist as I stood up. “Don't go, Frank. I'm okay..”

He wasn't looking at me. His sleeve had slipped down slightly, revealing some odd scarring on his wrist. I reached out slowly, not thinking as I brushed my fingertips over the lines. Mikey jerked away quickly, laying his hand back in his lap protectively and pulling the sleeve down sharply. 

I winced, then sat down tentatively, resting a hand on his back as lightly as possible. 

“Mikey...I'm sorry, I shouldn't have-”

“It's fine..”

I sighed and he leaned into me slightly, his shoulders still hunched and his wrist cradled in his other hand. 

“What is it?” I asked as gently as I could, stroking my thumb over the fabric on the back of his shirt. 

“Handcuffs, from Brendon. Police said he sharpened them somehow.”

_ Jesus fucking Christ.  _

“I'm so sorry, Mikey.”

“It was part of his conviction. That he'd sharpened them and put them in his bag. He'd planned to do it, and it was evidence.”

I didn't say anything this time, but very slowly pulled Mikey into a one-armed hug, my hand on his side. “I've got you,” I murmured as he hesitated before collapsing against me, his eyes closed as he rested his head on my shoulder. I took one of his hands in my spare one, squeezing gently. 

“I'm sorry,” Mikey mumbled after a few seconds of silence. “I don't mean to be all sad...I just...I'm not having a good day either.”

_ It's me, I'm making you sad! _

I bit the words back, knowing they'd just make him feel worse, but desperately wanting to say them, to get up and go. To promise him I'd never do it again, as long as he didn't see me again, but I was selfish and it felt so good to have him in my arms that it almost hid the guilt for making him upset. 

“It's okay, Mikey,” I said instead, rubbing his side slowly. “I understand.” 

~

I got up after a while and made us coffee, smiling at Mikey as he walked into the kitchen. “Hey. You okay?”

He smiled back and shrugged slightly. “Yeah, I'm fine. I hope Gerard is.”

“Me too, Mikey.”

“Did he tell you what they fought about?”

I hesitated, stirring milk into one of the coffees. “I uh. Well, apparently Chris feels like Gerard doesn't spend enough time on his family and that he...he spends too much time babying you.” 

Mikey sighed and shrugged, walking over to me to take his coffee. His arm brushed mine and I could feel his warmth next to me and smell his mixed scent of generic cologne and lavender laundry detergent. 

“I couldn't agree more, Chris is right, but I'm not sure Gerard will ever be able to see it. He's..I dunno. Obsessed. He's so scared of me being hurt that he doesn't realize how much he's hurting Chris. It's always been that way.” 

“Maybe you need to talk to him,” I suggested, my brain crying out softly as he walked off.  _ Come back.  _

“I'll try.” 

I picked up my mug quickly and followed Mikey back to the couch. He looked up at me as he sat down, smiling slightly. 

“You look so worried, Frank. What's going on?”

I shrugged, setting my mug down, but not sitting just yet. “I dunno. I guess I feel bad about last night. I should have stopped him from drinking and-”

Mikey waved a hand irritably and pointed to the couch cushion next to him. “Sit down, Frank. It's not your fault. You're both alcoholics, and when one alcoholic gets drunk and tells the other to do the same, they both end up drunk. That's kind of how life works. You need to start going to AA or something, though. Get a sponsor, and even if you don't like the twelve step thing, it's still someone to support you who’s more impartial than me or Gerard.”

I sat down slowly, perching on the edge, trying not to take up too much space as I looked down. “You're not impartial?”

Mikey checked his watch and sighed quietly. “Not really. I'm invested in you and Gerard.”

_ Invested. _

“Invested?”

He chuckled and shook his head. “You sound so innocent, it's kinda cute. I like you, Frank. That's invested, isn't it?”

“Shouldn't a sponsor be invested in me?”

“Yeah, but maybe not romantically. It complicates things a bit. Look, Frank, it's four thirty and that means five thirty is coming up soon. Do you wanna go get dinner with me? It saves cooking.”

“Uh...sure.”

~

I sat down across from Mikey, opening the pizza box on the table. “This isn't what I had in mind when you said ‘go get dinner.’” 

He grinned at me from the other side of the picnic table, shrugging slightly. “It's a nice afternoon, so why not?”

“I thought you didn't like parks.” 

Mikey's smile faded somewhat and I immediately felt guilty. “This one’s different. Gerard used to take me here when I was little. It's got good memories.”

I nodded quickly, tearing off a slice of my gluten and lactose free pizza and waving it at him. He wrinkled his nose and shook his head slightly. “That's like pizza without all the good bits. I was shocked the first time I met you properly and you ordered a gluten and lactose free grilled cheese. You're missing out on all the best bits.”

I took a huge bite of my pizza, speaking with my mouth full. “Tastes fine to me.”

Mikey giggled and rolled his eyes, picking up his own slice. “You're gross. And a veggie. You might as well be vegan.”

I shook my head quickly, swallowing my bite. “No, I eat too many eggs. I like eggs.”

“Don't you eat tofu and shit too?” Mikey teased gently. “Beans. Like a rabbit.”

“Rabbits don't eat beans,” I shot back, grinning stupidly. “But yes. I eat tofu and ‘shit.’”

_ I'm making him laugh. He's smiling.  _

“Can't imagine that shit tastes nice.”

“Whatever.”

I finished off my slice quickly and started on another, relishing how relaxed Mikey was. I looked up as a group of guys walked past, then glanced back at Mikey and sighed. He was watching them intently, his shoulders raised slightly and his body tense. His eyes were wide and fearful, his hands shaking just slightly. 

“Mikey. Mikey, it's okay,” I said quickly, reaching across the table to touch his arm. He jumped, whipping his head around to stare at me, slowly starting to calm down again. I smiled at him as soothingly as I could manage. “Hey. I could take any of those guys, easy.”

He rolled his eyes, but I saw a smile tug at the corners of his lips. “Sure.”

“Mhm. I'd tackle them and everything. All of ‘em at once.”

Mikey smiled a little wider, taking another bite of pizza, and I let myself relax. 

He stayed calm for the rest of our meal, but I noticed him rubbing his wrists a few times. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope this is okay, and settles some worries :D   
> I'm going through another Rough Patch, although everything kind of is at the moment, but anyway. Your comments are always really appreciated, and help me stay motivated! Thanks for reading!


	21. Chapter 21

M 

I hugged my knees tightly, counting my breaths down from seventeen as I trembled. My breathing was still too quick and shallow, and my palms were drenched with sweat, but I reached for my phone anyway, tapping on Frank's contact quickly. 

“Hey, everything okay?” He answered on the second ring. I swallowed hard and forced myself to take a deep, controlled breath. 

“I h-had a panic attack..”

“Oh Mikey, I'm sorry. Do you want me to come over? What happened?”

I sniffed, balancing my phone on my knee instead of holding it in my unsteady hand. “I m-missed dinner..”

Frank huffed out a breath softly. “It's seven, Mikey, how'd you miss it by so much?” He asked quietly, his voice gentle and calm. 

“I d-don't know. I w-was watching TV.”

“Do you want me to come over?” Frank repeated softly. “I can be there in ten minutes.”

_ Please please please please.  _

“Um...o-okay.”

“You want me to bring anything, Mikey? A movie? A book? Chocolate?”

“I-I'm okay..” 

“Alright. I'm gonna hang up now, but I'll be there in ten, okay?”

“Okay..”

~

Frank let himself in when he arrived, shutting the door behind him quietly. 

“Mikey?”

I heard his footsteps on the tiles around the kitchen, then the softer, more swooshy noise of his feet on the carpet as he wandered into the sitting area. I looked up at him and he smiled sadly, crouching down. 

“Hey.”

I closed my eyes for a few seconds, taking a deep breath. I was sitting on the floor with my back against the couch, my knees still pulled up against my chest. 

“Mikey, why don't you get up? It's more comfy on the sofa. Nothing's gonna hurt you, I won't let anything hurt you while I'm here.”

I opened my eyes slowly, fixing them on his tattooed hands resting on his knees. “I'm tired.”

“That's okay,” he soothed, moving a little closer and starting to rub my shoulder lightly. I wanted to shove him away and pull him closer at the same time, so I closed my eyes again. 

“Come on..”

Frank was suddenly in front of me, lifting me up and onto the sofa in one easy movement. “Alright,” he murmured as I tried to wriggle away, my hands shaking. “It's okay, Mikey. Shh. I've got you. I'm gonna get you a fresh shirt, this one is all sweaty.” 

He walked off and I felt my whole body relax immediately, letting my head roll back slightly and my eyes slip closed. 

As soon as I heard footsteps coming back, I sat bolt upright, staring at Frank uncertainly. He smiled and placed the clean shirt on my knees, then turned his back to me. “I won't look, I promise..”

I took a deep breath, studying Frank's back for a few seconds. He made me nervous, so nervous to have him so close and  _ in my apartment _ , but he somehow made me feel calmer as well. 

I peeled my shirt off quickly and slipped the new one on, wincing when I realised it was short-sleeved. I looked down at my wrists, turning them over slowly. 

_ He's seen them before.  _

I sighed and set the old shirt on the coffee table. “It's okay, Frank..”

Frank turned immediately, smiling at me and moving over slowly to sit next to me. “That looks more comfortable. Are you hungry?”

“I missed dinner,” I mumbled, looking away as he started to rub my back ever so carefully, as if I would shatter as soon as he made one wrong move. 

“That's okay. You can have a snack.”

I shook my head quickly, taking a deep breath again, trying to keep myself breathing normally. “I don't really want it.”

“Okay. Do you want a cuddle?”

“I'm not sure.”

And I really wasn't. The thought of him wrapping his strong arms around me and holding me against him made me shudder, but the promise of his warmth, and simple, comforting touches was almost too much to refuse. I dragged my palms down my face, groaning internally. I  _ hated  _ being so confused. 

“Mikey..”

Frank's arm was suddenly around my shoulders, laying heavy against me. I shifted closer to him, just a tiny bit, and looked up into his kind hazel eyes. He smiled brightly, his lips a little lopsided, and I managed a small smile back. His whole face lit up when he smiled, and his lips looked so soft. I felt my throat tighten as I stared, shaken out of my trance a few seconds later when Frank spoke again. 

“Mikey, are you okay? You keep spacing out.”

“Oh um...I guess. I'm really tired..”

“That's okay, take a nap,” Frank suggested gently, brushing my hair out of my eyes. “There's a blanket over here..”

He shifted slightly, pulling the blanket off the arm of the couch and handing it to me quickly. “There..”

I let myself fall against his side as he wrapped the blanket around me, my head coming to rest on his shoulder, just like last time. 

“That's it. Nice and comfy,” Frank murmured softly, and I closed my eyes slowly, shifting to get comfortable. 

“Mm. Get some rest, Mikey..”

He let his head drift to the side, resting on mine as he let out a soft sigh. I shifted again, not quite able to find the best position. 

_ Take him to bed _ . 

My whole body stiffened and Frank started to rub my side soothingly. The thought made me nauseous, but also made my fingers tingle and my body feel hot. I imagined how comfortable Frank and I would be, snuggled up together in my bed, my body pressed to his. My mind wandered slightly, conjuring up images of Frank grabbing my arse or thigh, and I couldn't help but stiffen again. 

“Mikey, hon. Get some rest and stop overthinking things. Everything’s okay.” 

I grabbed for Frank's other hand, lacing our fingers together tightly. I wasn't sure if it was because I wanted to hold his hand, or because I didn't want it to wander while I was asleep, but it didn't really matter. 

I shifted again and Frank kissed the top of my head. “That's it, Mikey. Get some sleep, hon. It's all okay. Shh..”

I felt myself start to relax even more, soothed by Frank's gentle voice and his hand rubbing up and down my side. I took a slow breath and let go, drifting off without any fuss. 

~

It was dark when I opened my eyes. Frank was very carefully lowering me to the couch, a comfortable pillow under my head. I could feel his hands on my shoulders and neck. 

“Shh, Mikey. Go back to sleep, honey. Shh..”

I groaned softly, shifting as I tried to focus my eyes on Frank's vague outline. “Where’re you going?”

“Shh, Mikey. Shh. I'm going home, honey, I didn't think you'd um. Want me to stay.”

I tried to sit up, one simple word seared into the back of my mind.  _ NO.  _

“Frank, I-”

“I'm sorry I woke you, honey, I'm so sorry..”

“It's okay, just-”

_ Just don't leave me.  _

“Mikey, it's the middle of the night, go back to sleep, hon..”

“No, I..”  _ I want you to stay.  _ I tried to choke the words out, but they kept getting stuck in my throat. I grabbed at Frank's hand, lacing our fingers and gently tugging. 

“Mikes..I don't know what you want,” Frank murmured, his voice broken and despairing. “I'm s-sorry.”

He gently pulled away and I watched his figure slip out of the living room, then collapsed back onto the couch. I could hear him pulling his shoes on, and then the inevitable click of the door shutting behind him. 

_ Idiot.  _

~~~

I parked in Gerard's driveway, glancing around worriedly. Chris's car was nowhere to be seen. I sighed and got out, walking up the path slowly to the front door. I took a deep breath and knocked sharply, then shoved my hands back in my pockets. 

The door swung open suddenly and Gerard poked his head out, squinting at me. I knew he was drunk immediately, just from the way his hair looked and the expression in his eyes. 

“Hey, Gee,” I said softly, stepping forward slightly. “Can I talk to you for a minute?”

His lip suddenly curled and he glared at me. “No, fuck off.”

I blinked, completely taken aback. I wasn't sure what I'd been expecting, but that definitely wasn't it. “Excuse me?”

“You're ruining my relationship, Mikey. With Chris. He's gonna leave me ‘cause of you. Go away.”

“Gerard, I-”

The door slammed in my face, and I heard the lock click, my stomach dropping. 

~

I crawled into bed, my body trembling slightly as my mind kept replaying my conversation with Gerard, over and over. He'd been so angry with me, so upset, and I still couldn't really process it. 

I curled up on my side and stared at the wall, trying to figure out what I could have done wrong, how I’d hurt Gerard that badly. 

After a few minutes, I pressed the heels of my hands into my eyes, curling up tighter as the sobs came, squeezing my throat and making my body convulse. 

~

It must have been about an hour before I just couldn't cry any more, and about half an hour after that, my phone buzzed in my pocket. I sighed and tugged it out quickly, hoping for something from Gerard. 

I stared at the screen for a little longer than necessary, reading and re-reading the message several times. 

_ Frank, 14:08  _

_ I miss you  _

My throat tightened again and my vision blurred as I started to type. I blinked the tears away, my fingers shaking ever so slightly. 

_ Me, 14:09  _

_ I miss you too  _

~~~

A few days later, I was laying on my side quietly, my head in Frank's lap and his hand on my shoulder as we watched tv. Every now and then, he'd stroke down my side, not too low, and back up again. It felt comfortable and calm, and I liked Frank's gentle hands on me. He knew exactly where to touch, and where not to, his tattooed fingers occasionally pressing into the small of my back, or against the bottom of my rib cage. 

“Mikey.”

“Mm.”

“You still haven't told me what happened with Gerard..”

I sat up slowly, leaning into his side and grabbing onto his shirt, twisting my fingers in the soft black fabric. “He was drunk..” I began quietly, and Frank quickly wrapped both arms around me loosely. “And he told me to fuck off. He said I was ruining his relationship with Chris..”

I tightened my grip on Frank slightly, unconsciously clinging to him as he sighed. 

“Well, that's not true, Mikey. He's the one ruining that relationship. It's not your fault, Mikey. It's not..”

Frank reached up slowly, stroking my hair experimentally and smiling to himself as I relaxed into the touch. “You're so sweet, y'know..”

He put a hand over mine, gently trying to release my grip on his shirt. “Mikey, hon. You wanna go lay down or something? You're shaking..”

I nodded slightly, slipping off the sofa and getting up unsteadily. My head hurt, the pain throbbing behind my eyes as I gently tugged on Frank's hand. He got up quickly, putting his hand against my back to hold me up carefully. “Shh, Mikey. You don't look well, hon.”

“Headache..”

“Alright. Let's go get you laid down in a nice dark room, yeah?”

Frank gently helped me into my room, supporting me as I climbed into bed. He wandered over to the window, drawing the curtains and plunging the room into dimness. 

“Is that better, Mikey?”

I grunted quietly and Frank chuckled softly. 

“I'll go in the other room, okay?”

**_Stay_ ** _.  _

The word hit my mind with so much force that it slipped out of my mouth before I could stop it. “Stay!” It sounded more like a gasp than a shout, but Frank stopped, looking over at me worriedly. 

“Mikey...are you sure?”

I nodded quickly, jerking the sheets aside to make a space for him next to me. “Please.” My voice came out rough and raspy again, but I didn't care. He heard me, and that was all that mattered. 

“Alright, hon. You can kick me out anytime, yeah?”

Frank got into bed next to me slowly, watching me carefully. 

_ He looks so worried.  _

I smiled at him sleepily as he laid down, keeping his hands close to his body. “Cuddle?” I murmured, and he nodded quickly, opening his arms.

“C’mere, hon.”

I snuggled up to his chest without hesitation, burying my face in his neck, but keeping my legs away from his slightly. “That's it,” he said softly, encouragingly. “Nice and comfy..”

He laid his arm over me comfortably, pressing against my spine with his fingertips, just the way I liked, but I still felt slightly shaky. 

“It's alright, I've got you,” Frank mumbled, kissing the side of my head and letting me shift away. His hand stayed on my side as I moved away enough to be able to look at him. 

_ He's so pretty.  _

I smiled to myself, reaching up uncertainly and resting my hand on his cheek lightly. His face softened immediately and he smiled at me, bringing his hand up to stroke over mine. 

“You're so sweet, Mikey..”

I felt the heat rising in my cheeks, but ignored it, shifting slightly closer. Frank blinked, then moved his hand from mine to my cheek, his thumb stroking over my skin slowly. “So handsome..”

He leaned in suddenly and I jerked away, my breaths coming shallow immediately. I shoved his hand away roughly and he stared at me in horror. 

“Fuck, Mikey, I'm so sorry, I thought..”

_ You idiot! He wanted to kiss you, you wanted to kiss him. What's the fucking problem? _

My nose started to sting and I sniffed, pulling my hand away from him slowly. 

“Mikey, Mikey...don't cry,” Frank begged quietly, his own eyes looking a little wet. “Please. I didn't mean to, I just...I thought you were leaning in and-...I'm sorry..”

I sat up slowly, hugging my knees against my chest as I stared at nothing. Frank scrambled up, patting himself down frantically. “I n-need a cigarette...oh God..”

He stood up and my gut wrenched. “Don't go, Frank..”

“I-..” Frank glanced back at me and sighed. “Okay. What’s...are you okay?”

I sniffed, resting my chin on my knees as I shrugged. “I'm n-not sure..”

“You wanna talk about it?”

“Y-yeah..”

“Okay..”

Frank walked over to my side of the bed, sitting down on the edge next to me. “I know why it upset you, right? It's too much too soon.”

“Yeah...just...I'm scared..”

“Okay, so why are you not sure, Mikey?” Frank murmured patiently, starting to rub my shoulder. 

I leaned into the touch slightly, sniffling. “Because I wanted to kiss you. I'm just too scared.” 

I glanced up at him and suddenly started to sob, my body acting without me as I curled up tighter. Frank quickly pulled me into a hug, his fingers everywhere I needed them, the small of my back, my side, then the back of my neck. 

“Oh, Mikey. It's okay, hon. It's okay, shh..I've got you...don't be sad, honey. It's okay not to be sure..”

I slowly wrapped my arms around him, curling my fingers against his back as I buried my face in his shoulder and just let everything out, all my despair from Gerard’s words and all my confusion from my feelings for Frank. 

Frank gave up trying to calm me down and just held me, rocking me back and forth slowly and stroking my hair over and over. I clung to him as if he was my only lifeline, my body shaking and trembling against his. 

_ You're such a fuck up.  _

~

I woke up alone in bed, memories of Frank's gentle words and his soothing touches as he laid me down to sleep flooding back to me immediately. I'd passed out, overwhelmed by my feelings and my inability to breathe between sobs. 

“Frank?”

I swallowed hard, getting up quickly and hurrying out of the room, ignoring my head spinning.

“Frank!”

“In the kitchen, Mikey..”

I jogged over, smiling shakily as he turned to face me. “Hey..”

“You look terrible,” Frank commented gently, pulling me into a quick hug. “I'm making breaded chicken for dinner, is that okay?”

I relished Frank's brief touch, but couldn't help feeling relieved when he let go. “Yeah, but what about you?”

“Chickpeas. I've thought about this, don't worry,” he chuckled, brushing his hand up and down my back. “Do you feel any better?”

“I guess. I just..” I looked down, wringing my hands slightly. “I just got really overwhelmed. What happened with Gerard really upset me and I...I get so confused about how I feel around you and how I want to do things, but I'm scared. Y'know?”

“Of course,” he smiled, flipping over the chicken in the pan. “And it's okay to still be scared. There's no rush. We’ll get there. I know it's confusing and scary, and I understand. I shouldn't have tried to kiss you, it won't happen again, I promise..” 

I nodded slightly and he glanced at the clock on the wall. 

“I think I'm gonna be a few minutes shy of five thirty, is that okay? Like five twenty five?”

“Mhm, but I can't start until five thirty..”

Frank glanced at me and nodded slightly. “Okay, hon.” He turned back to what he was doing, and for almost half a minute, sizzling dominated the sound in the room. 

“Frank,” I said suddenly, more urgently than I meant to. 

“Yeah?” He looked up at me worriedly and I shoved my hands in my pockets. 

“I lied to you...about the handcuffs.”

Frank just blinked calmly. “Okay. Are you...gonna elaborate?”

I swallowed and looked down at my feet, my whole world suddenly feeling uncomfortable and off. “He had handcuffs, but he didn't sharpen them. It's just...for about a year afterwards, I used to have nightmares every night, and about once a week, it would be really really horrible and I’d scratch at my wrists in my sleep. I'd wake up and they'd be bleeding everywhere because I gouged all the scabs off and sometimes even dug the wounds deeper. I just..” I heaved a sigh, still not looking at Frank. “My scars are really bad, and I didn't think that you'd believe they were from normal handcuffs, but I didn't want to tell you about the nightmares, so I made something up. I'm sorry.”

I looked up nervously and Frank just shrugged. “It's not a big lie, Mikey, it's okay. Why did you feel like you needed to lie, though?”

I bit my lip hard, taking a deep breath before answering. “I was embarrassed.”

Frank just smiled. “Don't be. I have nightmares sometimes, and I used to have night terrors as a kid,” he hummed, turning back to the pan. “Like from six to seventeen. It was horrible, and I was embarrassed about it, but it's not worth being embarrassed about. It's something that happens to everyone and you've been through a very traumatic event. It's normal, Mikey. But I am sorry that that happened to you. Is it better now?”

“Mostly. I still have some bad nights.”

Frank nodded and flashed me a quick smile. “If you ever need me, call me, yeah? I'm perfectly happy to be there for you if you have nightmares, and I understand what it's like.”

“Okay.”

“Do you wanna go set the table? I'm nearly done.”

“Sure.” 

~

I rolled over onto my back, finding Frank gone from his side of the bed. Just as I was about to sit up to investigate, I heard a floorboard creak in the hall. 

“Gerard...for fuck’s sake,” Frank hissed quietly. “You  _ can't  _ be serious….you need to talk to Mikey, he's so upset...yeah, yeah, because of  _ you.  _ No, it's not his fucking fault, I-....Jesus, he's your brother! He loves you to pieces, why would he do that? Oh for-..”  Frank sighed heavily, sounding completely exasperated. 

“What?”  His voice was suddenly alert and invested, as if standing to attention. “He left you? For a break?...oh fuck. Gerard, you're off your fucking face, I'm hanging up. No! No arguments, get fucking sober!”

There was a quiet beep and a growl, then a sharp thud, as if he'd kicked at the wall. 

Silence fell for about a minute. 

“Chris?...I just spoke to Gerard. Yeah. Exactly. Look, I don't know you that well, but I've been spending more time with Mikey lately and he's  _ devastated.  _ Gerard blamed everything on him and he's been completely drunk for days. I dunno why you think it's okay to fuck off to ‘have a break’ when the man you supposedly love is falling apart, but-..” 

There was a soft pause and when Frank spoke again, he was half-shouting, a real bite to his voice that I'd never heard before. “No, you fucking suck it up and stick it out, because you  _ love them  _ and you never ever want to see them hurting. You  _ deal, _ because that's how relationships work. You deal until they're well enough to talk properly, you don't just fuck off and leave them!” 

Frank's voice raised further in volume towards the end, and I found myself shrinking away from the noise slightly. 

“No, Chris. No. These people, whether you like it or not, are your family, which means they're partly your responsibility,” Frank continued much more calmly and evenly, while retaining the assertive tone. “Gerard won't talk to me or Mikey, and he keeps blaming all this shit on Mikey-..no, Chris, you don't get to interrupt me. Nope. Shut the  _ fuck  _ up. Mikey does not deserve this. Gerard does not deserve this. He  _ needs  _ you more than ever and you walked out on him over one little fight. Put your fucking big boy panties on, man up, and go fucking help your fiancé, whether you love him anymore or not. Because you owe him that shit. Put him back together, tell him how shit is, then talk to him properly, when he's in a state of mind where he can actually think fucking straight.” 

Another beep and a sniffle, then footsteps moving away from me, down the hall. 

“Frank?”

There was a brief pause and then the footsteps came back, the door clicked, and Frank stuck his head into the dark room. 

“You okay?”

I shifted, rolling back onto my side to see him better. “I heard you on the phone.”

“I'm sorry, hon, you weren't supposed to-”

“What's going on?”

Frank sighed softly, leaning in the doorframe as his shoulders dropped. “Apparently right after Chris picked Gerard up from my place, they had another fight and Chris left, to ‘take a break’ at a friend’s place. That's why Gerard was so drunk and stupid when you went to see him. He's been drinking and completely destroying himself since, he barely made any sense on the phone, and so...well, you heard. Chris needs to go back.” 

“That's so fucked.”

“Mhm..”

He walked into the room, shutting the door behind him quietly and wandering over. “Are you alright, though?”

I managed a small smile as Frank stroked my hair out of my face. “Yeah. Just tired.”

“You want me to be a hot water bottle?” He chuckled softly, resting his hand on my ribs solidly. 

“Yeah.”

“Alright.”

Frank moved around to the other side of the bed before getting in, smiling as I quickly pressed my chest to his. “That's it, Mikey. Get some sleep, hon. You look so tired, I'm worried about you..”

“M’fine.”

Frank just squeezed me a little tighter. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't really have much to say so just thanks for reading <3


	22. Chapter 22

F

My phone ringing startled me awake, and I sat up, grabbing at it as I started to cough. I managed to press the button, putting my phone to my ear as I forced the cough down. “H-hello?”

“Frank? You okay?” Mikey asked softly. I could hear voices in the background, it sounded like he was in a Starbucks or something. 

“I'm sick..” I mumbled, falling back to lay on the pillows. “I got the flu..”

“Oh, Frank...I'm sorry. D’you wanna come over to mine later? I can make you soup and tea and stuff. We could watch movies and cuddle..”

I chuckled softly and pinched the bridge of my nose. “You're obsessed with cuddles, Mikey..”

“I've never had anyone besides Gerard to do it with before,” he protested quietly. 

“I know, hon, I was just teasing,” I soothed. “I'd love that, but I don't want you to get sick.”

“It's okay, I've had my flu shot. I wanted to talk to you about Gerard anyway.”

“Is he doing better?”

“I think so. I wanna talk in person, though. If you get to my place for five, we can have dinner and then sit down for a while.”

“Alright. Sounds good, Mikey.”

~

When I arrived at Mikey’s, I lifted my hand to knock and the door flung open. A guy almost a little shorter than me was standing there, grinning. He had short brown hair and seemingly one of those horribly infectious cheery attitudes. 

“Hey, I'm Pete. You must be Frank..”

I nodded, keeping my hand in my pocket. “I'd shake and everything, but I don't wanna get you sick.”

Pete just shrugged. “I don't really care. Mikey's in the kitchen, c’mon in. I'm only staying for dinner, I helped him get things ready..”

I slipped inside and kicked my shoes off, but Pete gently caught me before I could walk into the kitchen area. 

“If you ever think of hurting him, Frank Iero, I will gouge your eyes out with a rusty spoon.”

He was still smiling, which made the whole threatening thing both less scary and much more creepy. 

“Okay? Well, I wasn't really planning on it,” I answered easily. “I quite like him.” 

Pete’s smile widened again and he nodded. “Good. Let's go, he's gonna be getting anxious.”

~

Mikey sat down next to me at the table this time, and I smiled to myself softly. He leaned over and brushed my hair out of my eyes, briefly trailing his fingertips over my cheek. Pete was staring and I felt myself start to blush as Mikey began to eat.

I forced myself to concentrate on my dinner, which had clearly come out of a microwave packet. I didn't care, though. Mikey had taken the trouble to buy me a vegetarian dinner, and I appreciated it. It wasn't half bad anyway. 

“Is it okay?” Mikey asked me nervously, taking me by surprise. 

I chuckled and gently bumped my shoulder against his. “It's great, Mikey. Don't sound so worried, hon.”

“Okay..”

Pete smiled at me and tilted his head slightly. “What do you do, Frank?”

I sighed quietly and looked down at my plate, pushing a piece of tofu around with my fork. “I run a cake shop at the moment, but I'm thinking of selling.”

Mikey blinked and looked up at me. “Really?”

I nodded slightly and shrugged. “Yeah. I don't really enjoy it anymore. I'm thinking about taking this management job at a music shop downtown. It would give me better hours, and after selling, I'd have some extra cash anyway. I've gotta do something with myself, and I think taking the new job will give me more time to think about it and work it out.”

Mikey smiled slightly and nodded. “Seems like a good plan.”

“Yeah, I just gotta find a buyer,” I sighed, finally taking another mouthful of food. 

Pete glanced at Mikey in what was definitely a meaningful way, although I wasn't sure what the meaning was. 

“So you have an apartment, right?”

I glanced up at Pete again and smiled. “Yeah, I'm gonna get another house though, I think. With the money from selling the shop. Something smaller, maybe a little further out. I couldn't um...I couldn't stay in the house I had after my divorce, it was too painful, so..”

Mikey leaned towards me slightly as he kept eating, as if trying to comfort me silently. 

“And you know about Brendon..?”

Mikey nearly choked on his food and I reached over, rubbing his back lightly. 

“Yeah, I do. I like Mikey a lot,” I said honestly, watching him as he swallowed hard. “I think he's a real catch, and I'm not interested in sex, so..”

Mikey almost choked again, and Pete grinned. 

“Mikey told me, it seems weird to me.”

I blinked and he shrugged. “I mean, it's unusual, right?”

“Pete, stop,” Mikey interrupted sharply. “He doesn't need an interrogation.”

“I'm worried about you.”

“Everyone is, but they seem to be forgetting that I have a fucking brain of my own,” he snapped, standing up abruptly. “I've finished eating, I'm going to go clear up.”

Pete tried to say something, but Mikey was already gone, so I hurried after him, catching him before he threw away the rest of his dinner. 

“Mikey, Mikey, don't..” I murmured, gently taking the plate away. “You should finish this, hon..”

He sniffed, turning away and shaking his head quickly. “I'm not hungry anymore.”

I set the plate down on the side and gently turned him to face me again, stroking down his chest slowly as he stared at the floor. He was shaking ever so slightly, so I pulled him into a loose, minimal contact hug. 

“Shh, Mikey. It's alright,” I soothed, running a hand up and down his back. “What's got you so upset?”

Mikey broke away from me carefully, grabbing the plate and tipping the food into the bin before I could stop him. 

“Just fucking drop it, Frank.”

He tossed the plate into the sink and stalked off, his bedroom door slamming down the hall a few seconds later. 

“Shit..”

I picked up the plate quickly, checking it over for chips or cracks, which it was miraculously free of, then started to clear up the kitchen, washing up the dishes and putting it all away so Mikey wouldn't have to deal with it later. I dug around in the freezer for a while, finding some ice cream and getting it out. Then I opened the fridge door and rummaged around, grabbing some strawberries to go with it. As I was about to shut the door, I noticed a carton of almond milk sitting on the shelf and smiled to myself. 

I dished up the ice cream and strawberries, then checked my watch before starting down the hall, completely ignoring Pete, who was still sitting at the table. I knocked on Mikey's door lightly. 

“Hey, Mikey,” I called out softly. “I brought you something, can you open the door?”

“Just come in..”

I sighed and twisted the handle, slipping into the room. Mikey was curled up in bed, hugging his knees against his chest. I smiled sadly and looked at my watch again. 

“It's almost time for dessert, Mikey. Why don't you sit up..”

“I'm not hungry..”

I sighed and set the bowl down on the bedside table, then sat down on the edge of the bed. “Come on. Sit up a second, Mikey. Just for a minute, and then I'll leave you alone.”

He stared at me for a few seconds before slowly sitting up, careful to keep a little distance between us. 

“Did you have another panic attack?” I asked as gently as I could, picking up the bowl again and placing it in his lap. He picked up the spoon slowly, poking at the ice cream unenthusiastically. 

“Yeah.”

“What about, Mikey? Can you talk to me? I wanna help..”

Mikey took a tiny bite of the ice cream, still not looking at me. “I asked Pete not to talk about those things with you. Because...when you talk about your sexuality and stuff...it makes me think about. Well, about doing stuff with you. Like you touching me and kissing me. And I kind of want to do that sort of thing with you, but at the same time, it's really scary.”

I shrugged and reached over, starting to rub his back slowly. “Mikey, you don't need to think about that stuff yet, okay? It's a long way off for both of us.”

“I know, but I can't help when it pops into my mind,” Mikey pointed out irritably. 

“No, I suppose not. Just...try to talk to me a little more, Mikey, please. I want to help you..”

“I'm beyond help. Besides, I thought you'd be offended.”

I blinked and shook my head quickly. “Of course not, Mikey. I understand, I do. Well...maybe not exactly, but I'm not easily offended. I know that you're not sure about sex, and I don't expect you to be just because you enjoy cuddling with me. And no one is beyond help.” 

He leaned into me slightly, sighing quietly. “I wanted tonight to be fun and relaxing, and I wanted to make you feel better and...I fucked it all up.”

I kissed the top of his head, wrapping an arm around his waist loosely. “Don't be silly, Mikey. You didn't mess anything up, eat that ice cream and then we can maybe watch a movie or play a game or something. Whatever you had planned, we can still do it. It's all okay..” 

~

By the time I walked back into the main area of the apartment, Pete was gone, so I sat down on the couch, turning the tv on and leaning back. 

Mikey wandered over a few minutes later, this time in sweats with no shirt. I blinked at him, studying his chest as he walked over. He smiled at me shyly and sat down a few inches from me. “Hi.”

“Hey. You look nice.”

“Thanks.”

I handed him the tv remote and he leaned his head on my shoulder, shuffling against my side slowly as he flicked through the channels. 

“I'm exhausted, Frank..”

“Mhm. Me too,” I mumbled, starting to stroke his hair slowly, careful not to touch any of his bare skin. “You're adorable, y'know.”

“Sure.”

“I mean it, Mikey. You're cute..”

“If you say so..”

I nodded slowly, watching the screen without really looking at it. “Mikey..”

“Mm.”

“I found a practice test I think you should take, I think you’ll find it really easy.”

He shifted, pulling his knees up and leaning more heavily into my side. “Alright. If you want me to try, I will.”

“I do.”

“Are you feeling any better?” 

“I think that cold medicine I took is gonna wear off soon,” I sighed, kissing his forehead softly without thinking. Mikey didn't react, still scrolling down aimlessly. 

“You wanna take some more?”

“No, I'm holding out for one of the night ones,” I mumbled, rubbing my eyes slowly. “I'm probably gonna start coughing again soon, you might wanna go sit somewhere else.” 

“Nah.”

Mikey shifted, taking me by surprise as he suddenly nuzzled my neck, pressing a soft kiss to the underside of my jaw. 

I smiled to myself and wrapped an arm around him, squeezing gently. “Any news on Chris and Gerard?”

Mikey heaved a sigh and shook his head. “No, but Gerard hasn't sent me any drunk texts for a while so I'm hoping it’s all okay. They're probably making up,” he muttered, wrinkling his nose. 

“Mhm, probably,” I agreed softly, gently taking the tv remote from him. “Lemme find something. We should watch a movie.”

“We always watch movies.”

“Yep, cause you like cuddles.”

“True.”

~

I woke up trying to hack my lungs out, quickly slipping out of bed and stumbling towards the door. 

“Mmph...Frank?”

I couldn't stop coughing, bending double with my hand over my mouth as my body convulsed. I felt soft hands on my back and in my hair. “Frankie, try and breathe,” Mikey soothed quietly. “I'll go get some water. Shh..”

As soon as he came back with a glass, I grabbed it and downed the contents in one go, finally able to pause for breath. 

“You need some medicine?” Mikey asked worriedly, brushing my hair out of my eyes so I could see properly. “You look really pale, Frankie. Come back to bed, I'll get you some medicine.”

“I sh-should go,” I mumbled, stifling another cough as I stood up.

“No, Frank. You're staying here. Get back in bed.”

I sighed and did as I was told, my chest aching. 

Mikey came back and forced me to sit up and drink a cup of medicine, then pushed me back down again gently. “Go back to sleep. You look exhausted.”

“I am,” I mumbled, letting out a long sigh as he turned the lights off and got back into bed behind me. 

“I know, Frank. Try and sleep,” he murmured in gentler tones, wrapping his arm around my waist and kissing the back of my neck. “Rest.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Didn't edit again, I'm afraid, I'm in a bit of a hurry, but I'm nearly finished with this story! <3


	23. Chapter 23

M

About a month after Pete and Frank’s catastrophic first meeting, I took my GED test for the first time. Frank tried to keep me busy while I waited for the results, but I couldn't focus. I kept refreshing the page, my knee bouncing endlessly. 

Frank was still coughing a lot, but he kept insisting he was okay, despite the fact that he'd recovered from being sick weeks ago. I'd given up for a while, but was keeping an eye on him anyway. 

“Mikey, stop obsessing,” Frank reprimanded gently, taking my phone from my hand and tucking it in his back pocket. “We're supposed to be meeting Gerard and Chris for dinner soon. They said it would take three hours, it's only been two. Calm down a little.”

I pulled a face and shook my head. “You know I'm not good at being calm..”

He chuckled and walked around to the front of the couch, gently taking one of my hands and tugging on it. “Get up. Get up, Mikey. You need to get dressed.”

“But-”

“Come on!” Frank laughed, pulling a little harder. “Get  _ up _ !” 

“Fuck off..”

He rolled his eyes and shrugged, dropping my hand. “Fine then. We’ll be late for dinner.” 

“But I'm  _ hungry _ ..”

Frank grinned and leaned down, kissing my forehead softly. “Come on, Mikey. Get up, hon. Let's go have a nice dinner and some fun, and the results will be up when we get back.” 

I groaned softly, but let him pull me up, chuckling as I leaned against his chest lightly, his hands running up and down my spine slowly. 

“Mm. Go on..” Frank sighed after a few seconds, gently pushing me away. “Go get ready.”

~

Gerard was sitting half in Chris's lap when we got to the restaurant, showing his fiancé something on his phone. Frank slid into the booth first, across from Chris, and Gerard slipped off Chris's lap as I sat down. 

“Mikey, I gotta smoke, come with me,” he said immediately, standing up quickly. I glanced back at Frank and he rolled his eyes subtly, smiling at me as I followed Gerard towards the doors. I knew he didn't have any cigarettes on him, but played along anyway, leaning back against the wall outside as he stopped and shoved his hands in his pockets. 

“Mikey, I'm..” Gerard kicked at the ground lightly, swallowing hard. “I said some really horrible things to you and I'm...I hope you know that I didn't mean any of them. I'm a horrible person when I'm drunk, and I know I shouldn't have been drunk to start with, a-and I'll never forgive myself, but-”

Gerard’s voice was starting to get wobbly, but he still wouldn't look up. 

“Gerard, come here, look me in the eye, and apologize to my face. I deserve that at least.”

“I'll cry.”

“Do I look like I give a flying fuck?”

Gerard smiled to himself shakily and walked over to me, standing directly in front of me. “I'm a shitty brother and-”

“No, apologies aren't supposed to make people feel bad, Gerard. You're not a shitty brother, you're human. We all make mistakes.”

Gerard sighed, glancing away briefly as he rocked from his toes to his heels, back and forth. “Fine..” 

He took a deep breath and looked back at me, his eyes already wet. “Mikey, you mean the world to me. You're the only real family I have aside from Chris, and I shouldn't have said those things. None of them were true. I'm sorry I relapsed and I'm sorry that it affected you. I'm going back to AA on a regular basis. I'm going to apologize to Frank properly as well, I shouldn't have tried to kiss him or dragged him into things. Chris and I have talked a lot more about things and we've agreed that maybe I spend too much time worrying about you. I'm going back to therapy, Chris thinks that I...I guess, that I have some PTS as well. That I get so anxious and protective over you is...I guess that it's natural and part of what happened. I'm gonna try to learn to give you some more space.”

Gerard wiped a tear off his cheek quickly, flashing me a weak smile. I smiled back and pulled him into a tight hug, spreading my fingers on his back as he let out a soft sigh and wrapped his arms around me. “Don't cry, Gee..”

“S-sorry..”

“Don't be sorry either,” I chuckled softly, squeezing him gently. “I just wanted you to respect yourself a little more in your apology. You're not a bad person, Gee. I promise. And you're everything I could ask for in a brother, but I'm glad you're willing to take a step back. Frank and I are doing really well, I think. I'll be okay..”

I let him slip out of my arms, handing him a tissue quickly. 

“I'm glad,” Gerard mumbled, looking down as he dried his eyes. “I'm still sorry, though.”

“I forgive you, Gee,” I answered simply. “But it's getting close to dinner time.”

“I know,” he chuckled, shaking his head slightly and sniffling again. “Let's go inside..” 

~

Chris was alone when we got back, and Gerard shook his head. “Did you scare him off, Chrissy?”

“No, he said he wasn't feeling well, he went to the bathroom..” 

I blinked, shrugging my coat off and tossing it into the booth. “He's been coughing a lot lately. I'll go see if he's okay..”

“I can go if you want,” Gerard suggested and I just rolled my eyes, heading off towards the back of the restaurant. 

As soon as I pushed the door open, I could hear Frank coughing in one of the stalls. 

“Frank? You okay?”

I knocked on the stall door and he unlocked it, letting it swing open as he continued to cough, his face buried in the inside of his elbow. Unsure of what to do, I started to rub his back slowly. “I might have a cough sweet in my coat, d’you want me to go get one? I could get you some water as well..”

Frank nodded quickly, so I hurried back to the table, grabbing my coat. Gerard looked at me worriedly. “We've ordered. Is he okay?”

“No, he can't stop coughing again,” I sighed, rummaging through my coat pockets. “I'm sure it's getting worse, but he won't listen to me. He needs to go to the doctor.”

“It sounds like it,” Gerard sighed, and I grabbed the glass from Frank's place. 

“I'll be back in a few minutes..”

~

Frank managed to get his cough under control with the help of some water, and I rubbed his back slowly as he drank his second cupful. 

“It's getting worse, Frankie,” I mumbled, knowing he loved it when I used pet names. “Promise me you'll go see the doctor soon? Please, Frankie..”

He nodded slightly, taking a deep breath as he set the empty cup down. “Alright. Remind me to make an appointment in the morning. We should go sit down, come on. You'll miss dinner.”

“It's not that impor-”

“Yes it is, go!” Frank protested, pushing me forward gently. “I'm just coming, I need to wash my hands..”

“Okay,” I sighed, kissing his cheek quickly before walking back to the table and sitting down again. Chris looked up at me worriedly. 

“Is he feeling any better?”

“I don't think so,” I shrugged, looking down at the table. “He agreed to go see the doctor though, so I guess that's an improvement.”

Gerard nodded slightly, elbowing Chris gently. “They can be so stubborn..”

I managed a small smile, glancing up as I saw Frank making his way back to the table, his face pale. I stood up to let him back into his seat, taking his hand under the table. He smiled at me, but his grip felt weak and almost limp. 

“Mikey finished his GED test today,” Frank announced, grinning at Gerard. “He's really really nervous about the results.”

“And you won't let me check every five minutes, which doesn't help,” I pointed out in mock bitterness, squeezing his hand. “Now you've brought it up, I wanna check again.”

Frank rolled his eyes and pulled out his phone, handing it to me. “Fine, I did start this conversation..”

I tuned out as Chris and Frank chatted together, focused on logging in and bringing up the right page. I tapped on the button, jiggling slightly in my seat as the swirl spun on the screen. Frank wrapped an arm around me, resting his chin on my shoulder as he looked at the phone. 

“It's taking a long time to load, that might mean-”

The page popped up suddenly and I stared at it for a few seconds before Frank turned and kissed my neck softly, just below my earlobe. “I told you you could do it.”

I felt the grin spread over my face, slow as it all sank in. “Holy shit..”

“You passed?” Gerard gently grabbed at the phone, grinning to himself. It wasn't really a question. 

“With an honors designation,” Frank said proudly, pressing another kiss to the side of my head. “You did so well, Mikey..”

I handed the phone over to Gerard, then flung my arms around Frank's neck, kissing his forehead happily before hugging him tightly. “Thank you! Thank you, thank you!”

Frank chuckled, matching the intensity of my hug. “You did it yourself, Mikey. I only helped you a tiny bit, most of that was you just being super smart.” 

“That's awesome!” Chris exclaimed and I pulled away from Frank to see him looking over the results. 

“It really is, Mikey,” Gerard added quietly, reaching across the table to take my hand gently. “I'm so so proud of you, you need to send that company an email tonight! Find out if they still have a place for you.”

Frank nodded in agreement, rubbing my side slowly. “Yeah, get it sent off now, alright? You can use my phone if yours is dead, and remind me to print the certificate when we get home. This is really important, hon.”

I nodded quickly, leaning into his side as Chris handed me the phone back. Frank kept his arm around me, watching me as I started trying to get the email sent. After a minute or so, Chris asked him a question about something and they went off talking. I didn't really listen, working hard on wording the email just right, and only just finishing when the food arrived. 

~

I let Frank unbutton my shirt, watching him closely and shifting uncomfortably every now and then. I was trying to do more couples-type things with him more often, like letting him take my shirts off and kiss my neck, but with each tiny step we took, I got more nervous. He understood completely and had never really stepped over any lines, but sometimes I still felt jittery. 

He finished the last button and kissed my cheek, stepping away to let me take the shirt off completely. 

“You're so stunning, Mikey,” Frank hummed, smiling at me as he started to take his jeans off. “I love cuddling with you shirtless. You're so warm..”

I grinned and shrugged shyly, slipping my own jeans off and then tugging on a pair of pajama pants. 

“You want a drink or anything, before I pass out from this cough medicine?” Frank asked, stepping towards me and reaching up to stroke my cheek. I let myself lean into his touch slightly, smiling to myself. 

“I'm okay, Frank, I just wanna get some sleep.”

“Okay...I'm gonna make an appointment tomorrow, okay?”

“Mhm..”

I climbed into bed, curling up slightly and watching Frank as he pulled a cigarette packet out of his coat pocket. 

“Frank, that'll make the coughing worse, just come lay down,” I said quickly, patting the bed. “Come on. I'm tired and I'm cold and I want a hot water bottle.”

“I'm coming,” he sighed, shoving the packet away and walking over to the window instead, cracking it open slightly.

“Your bed is comfier than mine,” I commented, studying his tattooed fingers as he fiddled with the locks on the window. 

“Good.”

“Frank, why are you so restless, come lay down!”

“I just don't feel right.”

I sighed and sat up, pulling the sheets up around my bare chest. “Why not?”

“I dunno, I feel like something’s wrong, but I don't know what.”

He glanced at me shakily and I winced. 

“What could be wrong?” I said gently, trying to keep the mood light. “You've got a handsome guy in your bed.”

Frank smiled and shook his head slightly. “I don't know, Mikey. I'm sorry, hon..”

He flicked the lights off and walked over to the bed, getting in next to me. 

“That's it,” I mumbled, laying down again and pulling him into a loose hug. “It's okay, Frank..”

Frank let out a long sigh and kissed the front of my shoulder softly. “I'm okay..”

“You don't sound it.”

“Well I am.” 

I let the room go quiet, slowly stroking up and down Frank's back until he began to drift off, his body relaxing against mine. 

~~~

“Hey Mikey,” Frank murmured as he picked up the phone. “What's up?”

“I got an interview!” I said quickly, shifting excitedly. “They're still willing to have me!”

“Oh hon, that's awesome!” Frank chuckled. “When is it?”

“Friday at two..”

There was a short pause and Frank sighed. “I'm gonna be at the doctor’s, hon. Can we talk some more about it when I get home? I won't be much longer.” 

“Oh...sure...will you be home for dinner?”

“Yeah, hon, you want me to get some takeout?”

“Okay. Surprise me.”

“Will do. I uh...I lo-...never mind, Mikey. I’ll see you soon, hon.”

~

I sat down, poking at my food lightly as Frank plopped down across from me, starting to eat hungrily. 

“Frank..”

He looked up at me, swallowing and smiling. “Yeah?”

“I want you to come to my interview.”

Frank sighed, spearing a piece of tofu with his fork. “Mikey, I can't, I'm sorry. I've been putting off this doctor’s visit for ages, I need to go.”

I opened my mouth to answer, but Frank started to cough, getting up unsteadily and walking into the kitchen to get a glass of water. I sighed, picking at my rice and eating a small piece of chicken. The idea of going to my interview without him made me feel sick. 

Frank sat down again, setting a glass down in front of him. “Alright. Sorry, Mikey.”

“It's okay,” I mumbled, pushing my food around aimlessly. “I don't think I can go without you.”

“Can't you take Gerard?” He suggested. “Friday is his day off, right?”

“Chris is taking him to look at tuxes for the wedding,” I answered gloomily, not looking up. “They're out all day.”

“What about Pete?”

“He's at work. Look, can't you just move it?”

Frank blinked, taken aback by my tone, which had been a little harsher than I'd meant. My hands were shaking slightly, so I put my fork down. I almost felt like I was going to throw up, the two bites of dinner I’d eaten sitting heavy in my stomach. 

“Mikey, you're the one who pushed me to make that appointment because you were worried. Are you less worried about me than you are about your interview?”

_ Yes.  _

“No, Frank, I-”

“Because it sure feels like it,” he said sharply, leaning back in his chair. “If I cancel the Friday appointment, I'll have to wait until Tuesday.”

“Then wait!” I snapped, finally losing it. “I don't fucking care! I need you with me, and it really hurts that you can't see that!”

Frank stood up quietly, grabbing his coat off the back of his chair. “I'm sorry, Mikey, but I feel really ill. My throat hurts and my stomach hurts, from this stupid cough. I can't sleep. I'm really sick, whatever is going on, and I need to go to the doctor. You’ll be fine at your interview. I gotta go home..”

He started towards the door and I jumped up without thinking, grabbing his arm.

“Frank! Don't you fucking go! I  _ need  _ you!”

Frank ripped his arm out of my grip, opening the front door and turning to glare at me. “Let go of me! I kept putting off going to the fucking doctor because you were upset about Gerard, you kept having panic attacks, and I had to come comfort you every single time! And when I finally make the appointment, surprise, surprise, Mikey has a problem with it! I know it's not your fault, but Mikey, sometimes you need to grow the fuck up!”

He slipped out, shutting the door quietly behind him. 

“Asshole!” I screamed, kicking the door sharply. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Drama!   
> Okay, so I've actually finished this now! Which means I need to start thinking about my new project. Would any of you guys be willing to answer some questions about what you'd like to see from me next or what you would read. I'm thinking about doing something a little different, but I want to make sure that at least one person would actually read it :D   
> If you could comment or send me an email at trans.horseman@gmail.com that would be awesome!   
> Thanks!! <3


	24. Chapter 24

M

I opened the front door and kicked my shoes onto the rack, then hung up my coat. I wandered into the living room and jumped violently. 

“Frank?”

He turned and looked over the back of the sofa, smiling at me sadly. “Hey. Sorry, you gave me a spare key. I did text you..”

“I'm..”

I took a deep, shuddering breath. “I didn't think you'd...come back..”

“Come sit down?”

I nodded, hurrying over and sitting down next to Frank. He didn't look quite right, his shoulders slightly hunched and his hands folded in his lap. 

“How did your interview go?” He asked softly, looking up at me worriedly. I reached out tentatively, resting my hand on his cheek.

“They wanna take me on...but you don't...you don't look happy, is everything okay? What did the doctor say?”

Frank turned his head away, taking a very deep breath. “She said...she's not sure. I um. I have to go in for scans at the hospital tomorrow. She thinks it might be...well, lung disease I guess.”

“Oh..”

I felt my hands start to shake in my lap and Frank reached over, gently taking one of them and lacing our fingers. “I think it's gonna be okay. When are you gonna start working?”

He was clearly trying to change the subject, but I knew we both needed it. “Monday,” I answered softly, leaning over to kiss his cheek. “How about I go buy a nice pie to go with dinner or something?” I suggested, squeezing his hand gently. 

Frank smiled slightly and nodded. “Sure, if you want.”

“Well, what do  _ you  _ want?”

He looked up at me and the fear in his usually soft hazel eyes nearly left me breathless. “I just want a cuddle.”

I pulled him into my chest immediately, rubbing his back slowly. “I can do that...do you want me to maybe invite Gerard over? We could watch a movie and have some fun, distract you a bit. I just...I hate seeing you so down, Frankie..”

“That sounds nice, but I think we should talk about our fight first,” he sighed, carefully pulling away from me and sitting up. 

I nodded quickly, grabbing his hand again. “I'm really sorry, Frank. I'm sorry that I'm so needy and I'm sorry that I was being unreasonable. I should have just moved the interview, but I was so worried that if I messed them around, that they wouldn't want me.”

Frank smiled slightly and nodded, rubbing his thumb over my skin. “I understand, Mikey. But all that stuff I complained about when I was angry...it wasn't really true. I don't mind coming to see you when you're upset, and I don't mind that you have panic attacks a lot. I've just been so worried about you, and I could have made an appointment, but I was hoping it would go away...I don't know. But it's not your fault, okay? I didn't mean those things.”

I sniffed, but smiled and kissed his cheek softly. “And you're not an asshole.”

“That was kinda funny, to be honest,” Frank grinned, brushing my hair back from my face gently. “We should think about dinner, Mikey. It's getting late..” 

~~~

Frank parked the car and glanced over at me. “Are you sure you're gonna be okay waiting? It might take a while.”

“I've got a book,” I smiled, opening my door. “Come on, let's go get it done..”

Frank nodded and got out of the car, offering me his hand as I followed quickly. I took it, letting him lace our fingers as we hurried towards the front of the hospital. 

“I'm sure it's all gonna be okay,” he said quietly, squeezing my hand. “I don't think it's anything that serious.” 

~

I couldn't stop my knee from bouncing, and I couldn't focus on my book. Frank had been gone for close to thirty minutes now, and with each minute that passed, I was getting more anxious. 

My mind was racing, coming up with so many horrible possibilities, shoving them at me constantly. 

_ What if it's advanced?  _

I started to chew on my lip, glancing around the room. There was only one other person waiting. 

I buried my face in my hands, breathing a little heavily. 

_ What if he gets sick? Really sick? _

My mind’s eye was suddenly filled with unwanted and unwelcome images of Frank lying in a hospital bed. 

_ What if he  _ **_dies_ ** _?  _

I swallowed hard, struggling to breathe suddenly, my hands shaking as I blinked away tears. 

“Mikey?”

I felt a familiar hand on my shoulder, squeezing gently. 

“Mikey, I'm all done...what's wrong?”

I stood up quickly, rubbing my eyes as I took a deep breath. “I'm fine, let’s go...it’s nearly lunchtime.”

Frank gave me an odd look, but just sighed and took my hand. “Alright, hon. Where do you wanna go?” 

~

I got a call from Gerard on the way home, and picked it up quickly. 

“Gee?”

“Hey, Mikey. Are you free tonight?”

I glanced at Frank and nodded to myself slightly. “Probably, why?”

“I wanted to talk to you about something. On your own..”

I blinked and looked out of the window. “Gee, Frank has had a rough couple days, I'm not-”

“Chris can go over and play some video games with him or whatever for a while...if you're worried about him being on his own..”

“Yeah..I’ll talk to him and text you, okay? I just..yeah. Love you.”

“Love you too, Mikey.”

I hung up and Frank glanced at me. “What's going on?”

“Gerard wants me to go over for a while to talk to him about something, but if you don't wanna be alone-”

“I'll be perfectly fine,” Frank interrupted gently. “I promise. You don't need to worry about me.”

“Gerard says Chris could come keep you company,” I suggested quietly, studying the set of his jaw and the slight squinting of his eyes. 

“No, I'm happy to be on my own for a while, it'll give me time to process. I can drop you off there now and come pick you up later, if you like.”

“Alright, as long as you're sure..” 

~

Gerard handed me a cup of coffee, smiling nervously as he sat down next to me. 

“You look upset, Mikey. What's going on with Frank?”

I sighed and took a sip of my coffee. “He went to the doctor about his cough and he went in for scans at the hospital today. They don't know what it is but they're worried it might be serious..” 

Gerard blinked, shaking his head slightly. “I'm sure it's not that bad, Mikey,” he murmured, but didn't sound convinced. “When do you get the results?”

“On Monday. I think I'm more worried about it than Frank, to be honest. He seems mostly okay.”

Gerard curled up, sitting with his side against the back of the couch, his knees drawn up against his chest. “I'm sorry. I'm sure he'll be okay, though, he's strong.”

“Yeah...what did you want to talk about, anyway?”

Gerard sighed, rubbing his shins with the palms of his hands. “I'm um. Well, Chris and I are getting married soon, as you know. And we've been talking a lot about what we want after that. Chris is going to quit touring, he's looking at what he might want to do instead...and um. Well, we're thinking about adopting. We’ve been together for a long time and we want...a family together, now. I just...I wanted to know how you'd feel about that. I know you're not my kid, but sometimes it seems like it, and...I dunno. I just don't want to hurt your feelings.”

I took a deep breath, looking down into my mug. “Well. You guys adopting a kid won't hurt my feelings. But um. Pushing me away after would.” 

Gerard smiled sadly and reached over, rubbing my shoulder slowly. “You know I wouldn't do that..”

“I know, that's why I said it,” I chuckled softly, taking a long drink from my mug. Gerard grinned and leaned over, kissing my cheek softly. 

“Alright..”

“I just..” I took a deep breath, looking up into my brother’s eyes. “Does Chris not want me around?”

He blinked and shook his head quickly. “No! Of course not, Mikey. He's just worried about you, he's worried that you need to be a little more independent, that's all. Have you been thinking about that a lot?”

“Yeah,” I admitted quietly, looking down again. Gerard leaned over and put his mug on the coffee table, then shifted to sit next to me and give me a hug. “Chris loves you just as much as I do, you know that,” he murmured, pressing a soft kiss to my jaw. “Don't worry about it, Mikey. Please.” 

I gently pushed him away, smiling slightly. “I'm okay, Gee. I just wanted to make sure. Are you thinking about adopting a baby or..?”

Gerard shrugged, leaning back slightly. “I'm not really sure, but I think I'd rather think about an older child, maybe two to five. But we have a lot more talking to do and a lot of time before then, y'know? We might go down the road of fostering for a while and then adopting.”

“That's really cool, Gee. I think you'd be really good with an older kid.”

“Thanks. I think Chris wants two kids one day, so we might adopt an older kid and then a baby later on, or something.” 

“That would make sense,” I murmured, leaning into him again. “I'm really happy for you, Gerard.”

“I'm really excited about it,” he grinned, wrapping an arm around my shoulders. “Anyway, you hungry? We can talk more over dinner, and about Frank if you want..”

“Sure..” 

~

Gerard ended up driving me back to Frank's apartment, and I called out to my friend as I kicked my shoes off. “Frank? You okay?”

“Mhm..”

He got up from the couch, walking over to me slowly. He was holding something in his hand, so I reached for his wrist. “What's that?”

Frank looked at me blankly, holding out the can of pepper spray. “It was in your coat. The one you wore to dinner with me last week. When you slept here.”

I blinked at it, then looked up at Frank quickly. “Frank, it's not like that, I swear.”

He sighed and handed the small can to me, hurt blossoming over his expression. “Sure.”

Frank turned on his heel, walking down the hall slowly. “I'm going to bed.”

“Frank..”

He didn't stop, and I heard his bedroom door click quietly behind him. 

“Fuck.” I turned the can over and over in my hands, sighing quietly. 

_ Gerard pressed the cold metal against my palm, kissing my cheek softly. “Go on. Have fun at your concert, yeah? Pete will look out for you.” _

_ “Then I don't need this,” I muttered, shoving it back towards him. “I don't need pepper spray, Gerard.” _

_ He sighed and gently gripped my wrists. “Mikey, please. Take it just for me. It'll make me feel better to know you have it, okay? Please please please just put it in your pocket. I can't let anything happen to you.” _

_ “Fine...I’ll take it, but Pete is gonna be with me the whole time and we’re not getting in the pit or anything.” _

_ “Good. I love you, Mikey, have fun.” _

Even now, the coolness of the can felt good in my hand, comforting and safe. The just in case, worst case scenario backup. Gerard had pushed it on me enough times for it to be second nature. I sighed and set it down, slipping my shirt off and then my jeans, folding them and setting them on the couch. I went into Frank's spare bathroom and got myself ready for sleep, then wandered down the hall in just my boxers. It made my knees feel weak to be so exposed, but he  _ had  _ to know I trusted him. 

“Frank?” I knocked on the door lightly. “Can I come in? I wanna talk to you, Frankie.”

“It's not locked.”

I sighed and twisted the handle, slipping into the dim room. “Can I turn the lights up, Frankie?”

“Mhm, whatever.”

I took a deep breath and reached over, rolling the pin to brighten the room. Frank glanced over at me, then hesitated. “Hey,” I said softly, forcing a sickly smile. Having him looking at me made it worse. 

“Hey. You look freezing.”

“I am, can I come cuddle?”

“Maybe.”

I rolled my eyes, crossing my arms over my chest and shifting from foot to foot. “Frank, I started carrying it when I was sixteen, it was Gerard’s idea, and it just became a sort of comfort blanket. It makes me feel safer, just to have it in my pocket.”

“Do you not feel safe around me?” Frank asked as he sat up, not quite looking at me. The pain was evident in his voice, though, and I couldn't help but wince. 

“Frank, it's not really about that. It alleviates my anxiety as well, in some ways. Look, the day before I went out with you that night, some guys were kind of...watching me at work. In a not so nice way. And they were talking about me. Calling me names and saying how they'd like to show me ‘how it feels to be with a real man,’ and shit like that. I guess it made me feel bad, like I needed a little extra security for a few days…” I shuffled my feet, looking down. “If it helps, Frank, I only have one. So I left it here all week. I rarely take it out with you, because you make me feel safe. From the world, not just from you..”

Frank grinned shakily, sniffling a bit. “C’mere, Mikey. I'm sorry for being a jerk about it, it just-”

“It hurt your feelings, I understand,” I said quickly, turning the lights off before hurrying over and climbing into bed next to Frank. “I'm sorry I didn't tell you about it before, it's just a sort of habit. I just pick it up sometimes without thinking about it..”

Frank laid down carefully, letting me shift closer to his chest and resting his hand on my side. “That's okay, hon. It just really scared me. And I'm really glad we could resolve this without a fight. We're gonna get better at communicating.” 

I nodded, snuggling closer still, and resting my head against his chest. “Yeah...you mean a lot to me, Frankie.”

“You mean the world to me, honey.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok so the next couple are going to be a little short I think so sorry in advance <3


	25. Chapter 25

F

I called Gerard first when I left the hospital. I should have called Mikey, really, but I couldn't bring myself to press the button. 

I leaned against my car, reaching inside my coat for my cigarettes and lighter. I pulled them out and just stared at them for a while as I listened to the dial tone, then walked over to a nearby bin and tossed them into it. “Fuckin’ shits,” I muttered to myself, just as the answering machine kicked in. I hung up and called him again, taking a deep breath and running a hand through my hair slowly. 

“Frank? Is this an emergency, I'm with a client.”

I winced at his snappy tone and felt my nose start to sting as I closed my eyes tightly. “I got my scan results.”

“Oh...is everything okay? You don't sound okay?”

I took a deep, shuddering breath. “I have cancer.”

There was a long pause and I started to cry silently, a hand over my eyes as I let my shoulders shake. 

“Jesus Christ. How bad?”

I sniffed and took a couple breaths before answering. “Not too bad. They think they can get it with surgery and that they caught it early. They said the flu was like...a lifesaver for me. Cause it kind of...activated the cough, I guess? I'm just...how the fuck do I tell Mikey? How do I...how do I d-deal with this?”

“Frank, I...I'm not sure, but please don't call Mikey while he's at work. I think he’ll have a panic attack..”

“O-okay..”

“Why don't you come over here? Chris is here, he can talk to you for a while while I'm still working...I only have a couple more clients today, and then maybe we can all tell Mikey together. Did they give you any chances and all that?”

“Mhm. A ninety percent chance that surgery will clear it all. They said it’s tiny and in a really easy place. I think...I think they're hopeful, it's just s-such a s-scary word..”

“I know, Frankie. It's alright. It's okay to be upset. Come over for a while. I'll make you some tea or something and maybe I'll bake some of those muffins you like while Mikey's still at work. We’ll take care of you. You're family now, Frank, it's okay to lean on us.” 

~

Mikey stared at me blankly for a few seconds before rage suddenly took over. 

“What the _ fuck _ , Frank? Were you gonna tell the whole fucking world before you told me?”

I gritted my teeth lightly, watching Gerard as he started to rub his brother’s back slowly. 

“No, I just didn't want to scare you at work..”

“You could have told me to come home!”

I sighed and pressed the heel of my hand against my forehead. I was exhausted and emotional, and Mikey's reaction was exactly everything I didn't need. 

“No, I was just trying to look out for you, Mikey. I wanted to do the best thing for you.”

“Well you fucking failed!” He snapped, getting up abruptly and kicking the sofa on his way out of the room and down the hall. Gerard sighed, watching him go passively. I buried my face in my hands, listening to Mikey stomping up the stairs and the door slam at the top. 

“Frank?” Gerard murmured after a few seconds of silence. “I'm sorry...he's just...he's scared.”

“So am I..”

The cushions next to me sank and Gerard wrapped an arm around my shoulders, pressing a soft kiss to my temple. “It's gonna be okay. He’ll be fine in an hour or so..”

I took a deep breath, lifting my head slowly. “I love him,” I said simply, staring at the coffee table. “I almost told him so. But...he's not ready for that..”

“No, he's not,” Gerard confirmed quietly, stroking his thumb over my shoulder slowly. “Are you sure? I mean...it's only been a few weeks.”

“It's been long enough,” I answered quietly, sighing as I dropped my gaze to the carpet instead. “I fall for people way too fast. I always do. And..I get this horrible feeling that he’ll never fall for me.”

Gerard shook his head, gently gripping my chin and forcing me to face him. “Frank, he already does love you, in his own way. I can see it in the way he looks at you, and the way he just reacted. He's scared of a serious relationship, too scared to realize how he feels about you. He's not ready, but he feels so strongly about you. I promise that he’ll fall for you all the way one day.” 

I sighed and pulled away quickly, staring down at the carpet. Gerard broke the brief silence first. 

“I need to go start on dinner, Frank. Watch some tv or something, distract yourself. Maybe in half an hour, have a go at talking to him if you feel ready. Chris is in the office down the hall if you want someone to talk to or anything, okay?”

I nodded and he ruffled my hair slightly as he got up, walking off slowly. 

~

Mikey wandered back downstairs after about forty minutes, looking lost and upset. He'd clearly been crying the whole time, as his eyes were red and his cheeks tear-stained. 

“Frank..?”

I looked up at him and he just stood there, staring at me sadly. I shifted over to make room on the seat and he threw himself down gladly, immediately cuddling up to my side. “I'm s-sorry..”

“I forgive you,” I mumbled, kissing the top of his head lightly. “You're just worried about me.” 

“Yeah.” 

We sat in silence for a while, Mikey clinging to me gently. 

“How bad is it?”

“I'm gonna go in for surgery next week, they say there's a ninety percent chance that the surgery will get it all out. I think it's gonna be okay.” 

“Good. You're not allowed to die on me.” 

“I wouldn't dream of it, hon.” 

~~~

Mikey was holding my hand so tightly I couldn't feel the tips of my fingers, but I didn't pull away. 

Gerard fussed over me carefully, pulling the blanket over my chest and brushing my hair out of my eyes. Mikey had his eyes closed, his knees drawn up to his chest in the hard plastic chair. 

The door clicked in the otherwise almost silent room and we all looked at the nurse as she walked in. “Mr. Iero? Are you ready?” She asked with a smile, carrying a needle over to my drip. 

“Yeah, I'm okay,” I said softly, glancing at Mikey, who stared at me with visceral fear in his eyes. “It's okay, Mikey. I'm gonna be okay.”

The nurse smiled and pushed the needle into the valve, pressing the end down. “There you go. Can you count backwards from ten for me?”

I nodded, watching Gerard gently guide Mikey out of the room as I counted, everything starting to go a little fuzzy. 


	26. Chapter 26

G

I guided Mikey to the waiting room, sitting down with him and wrapping an arm around his shoulders. 

“It's alright,” I soothed as he started to shake, his face buried in his hands. “It's okay, Mikey. Frank is gonna be okay, I promise. They know what they're doing and they're going to take care of him. Take deep breaths, Mikey, come on..”

Mikey started to sob and I sighed, gently pulling him to his feet. “Come on. We’re going somewhere else.”

“No!”

Mikey ripped himself away from me, panting softly as he stared at me shakily. “No, what if something happens?”

“Then they’ll call you,” I answered calmly. “You need to get some air. It's nearly lunchtime, let's go get some food and Frank will be nearly done when we get back. Come on..”

I tried to take his hand again and he turned away quickly, breathing heavily. All the other people in the waiting room were staring by now, so I glared at a couple of them, taking Mikey's arm. “He's gonna be fine.”

“He's the only fucking good thing in my life besides you!” Mikey snapped suddenly. “I want to stay here!”

I sighed and started to drag him out of the room, shaking my head. “You need a break, Mikes, we’re going. There's nothing you can do to help.” 

~

I watched Mikey eat, his eyes vacant and his whole demeanor completely distant. “Mikey..”

He blinked at me as if noticing I was there for the first time. I leaned over and took a fry from his plate. “Look at me, Mikey. Frank is gonna be just fine. He's healthy, he works out, and he's a fighter. He's going to be  _ fine. _ ”

Mikey looked down at his plate, not saying anything. 

“You really love him, huh?” I smiled, half to myself. He snapped his head up, staring at me in fearful confusion. “What?”

“You love him. Right? You can't bear to lose him.”

Mikey shifted in his seat uncomfortably. “Well...I don't know. I'm a really clingy person. And...we haven't had sex or even kissed.”

“Yeah, but you love him,” I said simply. “It's obvious, and it's really sweet. Y'know, he loves you too. You mean the world to him.”

“If you say so,” Mikey mumbled bitterly, poking at his fish with a fry. 

“I do, he told me so himself.”

“But why would  _ he  _ love  _ me _ ? I mean, he's handsome, he's got money, he's into girls more than guys...there's no reason for him to-”

“Mikey, you're too hard on yourself,” I interrupted gently, shaking my head slightly. “He loves you because you're a nice person. And you're handsome and cute and funny.” 

“I'm an asshole.”

“You're not,” I sighed, rubbing my eyes in vague frustration. “You're just scared sometimes. You need to talk to him properly, Mikey. If you want him, you need to ask, because he doesn't want to hurt you by asking.”

“I don't want to hurt him either.”

I rolled my eyes, giving up and going back to my lunch sullenly. Sometimes Mikey just drove me insane. 

~

The whole drive back to the hospital, Mikey wouldn't sit still. He couldn't stop his leg from bouncing or his hands from shaking, so he fiddled with the heating, the vents, the windows, and the radio. I eventually had to keep slapping his hand away so he wouldn't change the channel every two seconds. 

When we finally pulled up outside, Mikey was out of the car before it had even stopped. I rolled my eyes and went after him, following him up the stairs as quickly as I could. 

“Mikey, slow down!”

“He's out!”

I rolled my eyes and jogged after him, following him down the hall and into one of the rooms. Frank was laid out on the bed, a tube in his throat and a heart monitor on his chest. The beeping was already far too loud for my liking, and Mikey was about to start screaming. 

A nurse suddenly appeared and smiled at me. “Hey.”

“What's that?” Mikey snapped immediately. “In his throat.”

The woman looked taken aback and I gently pushed Mikey away, towards Frank. “Sorry, he's really upset and nervous.”

“That's um...okay. Something went wrong during the surgery and they had to put the tube in to help him breathe properly. He's fine now, and we’ll take it out as soon as he wakes up. His surgeon should be in soon to explain and to check on him, but all of that is just precautions. Dr. Matthews is really happy with how everything went, and very optimistic.” 

“Great, thank you,” I smiled, glancing at Frank. “I'm sorry about my brother, he's um. A very anxious person.”

“That's okay. I'll go and let Dr. Matthews know you're here.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shit starts to go down a little more in the next chapter...I don't think you guys will like the ending much I'm afraid but I do so


	27. Chapter 27

F

I woke up choking, and a nurse was suddenly leaning over me, one hand on my side. “It's okay, Frank, breathe through your nose. We have to take the tube out...that's it.”

I felt it slide out, gagging and shaking until it was finally gone. The nurse smiled at me sadly. “I'm sorry about that.”

“It's okay..” I mumbled groggily. “Can I have some water, please?”

Gerard leaned over me, his red hair falling from behind his ears. “Hey. Here..” He helped me drink from the bottle he was holding, careful not to let me choke. “Sorry, we can't easily sit you up yet. And um. I sent Mikey out for a little walk with Chris while you woke up. He's not been coping too well.”

I nodded slightly, taking a few painful breaths. “Mm...it hurts like hell..”

Gerard glanced behind him and the nurse hurried over, pressing a button on my drip stand. “They're putting you on some pretty strong stuff,” he chuckled softly, pulling up a chair next to the bed. “How do you feel aside from painful?”

“Groggy,” I answered quietly, trying to blink my eyes into focus. 

“You've been out for a few hours. The doctor will probably come and talk to you soon, but he's really hopeful. Apparently they're going to keep you in tonight and then get you in for a scan tomorrow before you go home, they'll know more after that.”

“Alright. Is Mikey okay?”

“Sort of. He's been freaking out pretty much this whole time, but he's not hurt himself or anything. And he ate some lunch, so I think he's okay. Missing you a lot. He had a go at the poor nurse when we came back and you had a tube and heart monitor and everything. I sent him out cause I was worried he'd have a huge meltdown before you really got the chance to wake up properly.”

I nodded, trying to find his hand clumsily. He took my hand quickly, squeezing it lightly. “Thank you, Gerard. For taking care of him and me.”

“That's okay. Mikey's um...Mikey's now insisting that you come and stay with me while you recover, though. I don't mind, and I'd be perfectly happy to put you up for a while, but I didn't want to agree if you weren't okay with it.”

I blinked and took a deep breath, glad that the pain was starting to fade. “I would like that if you really wouldn't mind. I think it's going to be hard to be on my own for a while.”

Gerard smiled and nodded quickly. “Of course, Frank. You're always welcome, even when you're gross and bloody.”

I chuckled, then winced. “Ahh...big mistake. I think you should get Mikey back, this medication is starting to kick in and I'm probably gonna go a bit dumb.”

“Alright. I'll go find him, you sit tight.”

 

“Frank!”

Mikey skidded to a stop next to the bed and I grinned at him tiredly. “Hey, honey..”

Mikey hesitated for a second, then leaned down, putting both hands on my cheeks as he kissed me. I closed my eyes quickly, my heart jumping as I tried to reach up to his cheek. He broke away suddenly and stared down at me uncertainly, tears forming in his eyes. 

“Mikey,” I murmured softly. “Don't cry, Mikey, it's okay..”

“I missed you,” he blurted out, sniffling as he stroked his thumbs over my skin frantically. “I missed you so bad, and I'm neurotic as all hell and I pick fights and I'm hard to live with, but I don't wanna be without you. Will you be my b-boyfriend?”

I blinked sleepily, taking a deep breath. “Y-yeah...but I'm so tired..”

I heard Gerard’s voice as he murmured something to his brother, and Mikey pulled up a chair quickly. 

“Okay, Frankie. That's okay, get some sleep. I'll be here, Frankie..”

I smiled to myself, letting my eyes slip closed. “Okay..”

~~~

Mikey trailed his fingers over the scar on my chest idly, smiling at me sleepily. “Does it still hurt?”

“Not really..”

I'd gotten the drains taken out a couple weeks ago, and it all seemed to be healing perfectly fine. I was back in my own house instead of sleeping in Gerard’s spare room, which I had to admit felt amazing. 

“I'm gonna get in the bath,” I mumbled, gently shaking Mikey off as I started to sit up. 

“I'll come sit with you..”

I blinked and glanced back at him. “Are you sure?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay.” I slipped out of bed, undoing the string on my sweats and kicking them off along with my boxers. Mikey hadn't seen me naked before, and despite knowing that he was most likely staring, I didn't really mind. It didn't feel wrong or uncomfortable. 

I wandered into my bathroom, leaning down to turn the bath tap on. When I stood up and turned around, Mikey was leaning in the doorway, blushing.

“What?”

“You have a nice ass.”

“Thanks, I guess?” I chuckled, tipping some bubble bath into the water. “Kiss?”

“Mhm.”

He walked over, tugging me into a slightly more dominant kiss than usual, bringing me a little deeper. I felt his hips against mine and almost flinched when his bulge brushed my pelvis. He was turned on by seeing me naked. It didn't disgust me exactly, but I felt slightly off as Mikey stepped back. 

“I love kissing you,” he murmured, but there was a sort of hunger in his eyes that surprised me. 

I nodded and climbed into the tub, eagerly hiding my body below the covering of bubbles. 

“Mikey..”

He knelt down next to the tub, trailing the tips of his fingers in the water. “Mhm?”

“You...you like seeing me naked, don't you?”

Mikey looked up at me and nodded slowly, taking a deep breath. “Yeah..”

“Doesn't that scare you?”

“Not really,” he answered softly, watching me worriedly. “Because I never saw Brendon naked. It's like...I have more power. I'm in charge, because I'm the one looking at you, not the other way around.”

I nodded, looking down at the bubbles. “I'm not sure that I like it, Mikey. We need to...to sit down and have a proper talk about my..sexuality.”

Mikey shifted, glaring at the floor. “You had sex with some random guy when you were drunk.”

“Yeah, but-”

“So having sex with a man that you love while sober should be easy.”

“Mikey, it doesn't...it doesn't work like that.  _ I  _ don't work like that. Look, can we talk about this another time, I’m really ti-”

“No, you're the one who brought it up!” Mikey snapped, suddenly glaring at me. “I'm taking this huge step forward and feeling good about myself, and the only thing you can say is that you don't like it! You're such a fucking hypocrite! I thought you  _ wanted  _ me to get better!”

I took a deep breath, feeling my throat start to close up. “Fuck, Mikey. I just...I  _ do  _ want you to be confident in yourself and happy, but I have my boundaries too, honey. And I need you to respect them.”

“All I did was look at your ass!” Mikey snapped. “You were the one who took your pants off!”

“Mikey, I-”

“You knew I was looking!”

“Yes, and that's okay, but you were then getting hard and pushing your boner against me, that's what's not okay! I wanted to talk about this properly, but you're acting like a child and I don't feel that you're listening to what I'm saying,” I answered as calmly as I could manage, the teary feeling slowly being replaced with intense anger. 

“Fuck you, asshole!” Mikey shouted, finally snapping as he got up quickly. “Fuck you! You said you wanted to help me and I get this shit instead!”

He stormed out and I jumped as the door slammed, then buried my face in my hands. 

~

I was getting dressed slowly when my phone rang. I picked it up, glancing over the name.  _ Gerard.  _

I groaned, but answered it anyway. 

“Hey.”

“I'm downstairs, Frank. Can you come let me in? I wanna talk.”

“Look, I know I shouldn't have been so hard on Mikey and-”

“No, it's not like that,” Gerard interrupted gently. “I just wanna talk about...about you. And see if you're okay. Mikey's at Pete’s, Pete texted me to say he was worried about you. Can I come up?”

“Yeah, um. I thought you had a key thing?”

“No.”

“Alright, I'm getting dressed, I'll be there in a second.”

 

Gerard sat down on the couch, watching me worriedly as I carried two mugs of coffee over. 

“Thanks, Frank. So um...can you tell me what happened?”

I sat down next to him, wrapping both hands around my mug. “It's kind of...well..I dunno..” I gave up and just started to explain, glancing at him every now and then, trying to sound unbiased and tell him exactly what happened. 

He blinked when I was finished and took a deep breath. 

“I see why Pete was worried. Do you feel okay?”

I shrugged, looking down into my mug. “I guess. I'm upset, though. I don't know why we keep fighting, and I do try really hard, I just...I don't like that. And-”

“And you shouldn't have to deal with it,” Gerard said firmly. “If Mikey touches you sexually without your consent..” He trailed off meaningfully and I sighed. 

“But it's not...his fault, really. I think...I think maybe he needs to graduate from me to a real relationship. A sexual one.”

Gerard blinked and brushed my hair out of my eyes. “Is that what you want?”

“No! Of course not,” I sighed, looking away again. “I love him very much, but..I want him to be happy and I'm not sure I can...I can give him sex. I mean...maybe I should just...suck it up? And just give him what he wants? It's not like...it's something I hate..”

Gerard sighed loudly and grabbed my chin, gently turning my head to face him. “Do not do anything that you do not want to because you think it will make him happy,” he said slowly and firmly. “That's not healthy, and it will make you miserable, which will make him miserable. If you are not into having sex with Mikey, then don't. It's that simple.”

“But I might lose him, I-”

“Then he's not worth having,” Gerard cut me off softly. “He's my brother and I love him to bits, but if he tries to manipulate you into having sex with him by threatening to leave, then you are too good for him. D’you hear me? That is  _ not  _ okay behavior.”

“But he doesn't know better and-”

“And he's going to hurt you in the process. If he tries to do that, then say you're still not going to have sex with him. If he leaves you, then I'll talk to him properly and I'm sure he’ll be back with a better attitude. But you need to be firm with him so he learns. And you need to protect yourself, Frankie. You are a lovely person, a kind person, and you are allowed to have things the way you want them. I mean...if that was Chris, and I didn't want to have sex with him, then we'd probably work out a deal and I'd let him have sex with other people, but that's just us. I'd trust him not to go and fall for some random guy and leave me. You don't have to do that with Mikey, okay? I'm just rambling at you. I'm trying to say that whatever you want is okay. Whatever you think is best, however you want your relationship to be. And if Mikey doesn't want the same thing, no amount of compromise will make it work.” 

I ran both hands through my hair, sighing deeply. “I thought I loved him, but after that...I just...he scared me, a little. He made me feel really guilty and I don't like that he could do that to me and not...not understand how much it hurt.”

Gerard pulled me into his side, rubbing my back soothingly as I sniffed. “Maybe he's just too immature for you,” he suggested softly. “I mean...you are a lot older than him, you're much more experienced. Maybe it won't work in the long run, but I'm pretty sure I know you well enough to know that you want to try to make it work, which is better than I could do. Just...respect yourself. You have boundaries, and that's okay. If you don't respect yourself, Mikey will never be able to respect you. Does that make sense?”

“Yeah, it's just hard,” I mumbled, rubbing my eyes with the heels of my hands. 

“I know. How about we go out for a while? We could go to that bar you like and get some shitty virgin cocktails and some onion rings? It’d do you good to get out for some fun.”

“Yeah...yeah, okay..” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry I didn't update last night but I was late to bed and the site was down for maintenance when I went to update. In any case, let me know what you think about this! I hope you're still enjoying it <3


	28. Chapter 28

F 

I heard the key in the lock and Mikey slipped into the apartment, kicking his shoes off quickly before walking into the living room. He handed me a Starbucks cup wordlessly and I thanked him softly as he sat down in the armchair, looking over at me. He hadn't taken his coat off, and his face was carefully blank. 

“I missed you,” I began quietly, but he cut me off. 

“You went out with Gerard last night, did you drink?”

I blinked, my heart sinking. This wasn't going to be a fun conversation. “No. We both had soda and dinner, that's all. He thought I could do with some time out after being cooped up for so long.”

Mikey's face softened slightly. “How are you feeling?”

“Achy,” I admitted, looking down at the floor. “My rib still hurts and I didn't get much sleep.”

“Did Gerard stay the night?”

Mikey's voice was hard again, his brown eyes fixed on me intently. 

“No, Chris wanted him home for something.”

“Okay.”

There was a short pause and I took my chance, feeling vaguely sick as I started to speak. 

“I'm not going to have sex with you, Mikey. It's my body and I don't want to do something I'm uncomfortable with. I’m not sure where that leaves us, but I have to respect myself and my boundaries.”

“What about respecting me?” Mikey shot back immediately. “I entered this relationship-”

“Not expecting sex,” I pointed out as gently and calmly as I could. “I was transparent about my sexuality from the first time we met.”

“Well then maybe I should just leave. Is that what you fucking want?” He snapped, standing up quickly and glaring down at me. 

I shook my head slowly, barely able to meet his gaze. My chest ached and throbbed as I forced myself to form the words. “No, Mikey. I want you to stay because you mean a lot to me. But because you mean a lot to me, I also don't want to stop you from leaving if you think that that will make you happier.”

“If I meant that much to you, dipshit, you'd fucking fight for me!”

“How?” I looked up at him sharply. “By having sex with you? I don't want to, Mikey.”

“Why the fuck not? Am I not fucking good enough for you?”

Mikey's chest was heaving now, and I could finally see the pain behind the anger in his eyes. 

“It's not how you look, or how thin or fat you are, it's about the fact that you have a dick,” I answered bluntly. “It doesn't turn me on, Mikey. It makes me uncomfortable in sexual situations, and I don't want to let you do something I don't want you to do to my body just to make you stay.”

Mikey collapsed back into his chair suddenly, burying his face in his hands. “Fuck..”

I looked down again, my hands shaking around my coffee cup as I tried to breathe normally. 

“I'm so so sorry, Frank..”

I jumped as Mikey moved to sit next to me, pressing a kiss to the side of my head. “Jesus Christ, Frankie, I've been such an idiot.”

I sniffed and stared at my cup, fiddling with the sleeve. “If...if you want, we can...we can try an open relationship,” I mumbled, my stomach heavy. “You can…go outside of us for sex. Just not...not romance. That's for us..”

Mikey hesitated, then gently tilted my head up and kissed me soft and slow, his thumb stroking under my eye soothingly. “That sounds perfect,” he murmured as he pulled away, brushing my hair out of my eyes. “You mean the world to me, Frankie..”

~

I watched Mikey sleep for a while, my arm wrapped around his waist loosely as I studied his calm face. My fingers shook slightly and I curled them, sighing softly. 

“I love you,” I murmured, brushing his hair out of his face ever so carefully. “I wish I could give you what you wanted..”

I leaned over and kissed his forehead softly, knowing he'd probably sleep through an earthquake. He shifted slightly, but quickly settled again, and I ran my hand up and down his side slowly. I felt sick and tired, but my side was aching again and I couldn't drift off. 

I felt bad for refusing Mikey, when the threat of imminent discomfort was removed, but I just couldn't do it. He'd been so good to me, taking care of me while I healed from my surgery, and holding my hand when I needed him. I took a deep breath and rolled over, facing away from him and fiddling with my pillow briefly. 

_ That's why I'm letting him go have sex,  _ I pointed out to myself silently.  _ That's my compromise. I'm doing what I can to thank him.  _

I settled down a little more, picking up my phone and sending a quick text to Gerard. 

_ Me, 23:08 _

_ I think Mikey and I have sorted things out.  _

~~~

I helped Mikey with the last button on his shirt, forcing my hands not to shake. “There we go. Handsome,” I grinned, curling my toes slightly. “You're gonna be late, though. Go on..”

Mikey pecked my lips and pulled me into a tight hug, his body tense. “I'm so nervous…what if I freak out?”

“Then call me,” I murmured, squeezing him slightly. “I'll be around, okay? Don't panic. You can do this..”

Mikey nodded and kissed my cheek again before opening the front door. “I'll be back in the morning.”

“Yep..”

I watched him go, holding my breath as I listened to his footsteps walking off down the hall. As soon as I was sure he was out of earshot, I dropped my head into my hands, groaning. “Fuck..”

I grabbed my phone and immediately tapped on Gerard’s contact, throwing myself down on the couch. 

He answered breathlessly on the third ring, panting softly. “Hey Frank..everything okay?”

“Not really. Are you busy?”

“No, no, I just finished something,” he giggled, and I heard Chris's slightly deeper laugh mixing with his. My stomach turned and I leaned my head back to stare at the ceiling. 

“Let me go somewhere more private, Frank, okay?”

“Yeah..”

I waited in silence for a few seconds, relaxing when he picked up again. 

“Do you need to talk, Frank?”

“Yeah.”

“About what?”

“I told Mikey we could have an open relationship because he threw another tantrum and now I'm...regretting it.”

Gerard hesitated briefly before answering. “Really? What happened?”

“He's gone out with someone else for the first time. I'm...I'm such a hypocrite, but I really really don't want anyone else to touch him...if I tell him now, he’ll leave me..” 

My voice was starting to raise in pitch slightly and I took a deep breath, trying to calm down as my throat closed up. 

“Oh, Frank. I'm so sorry, I shouldn't have even mentioned it, and-”

“It's n-not your fault,” I muttered, sniffling shakily. 

“Does he seem okay?”

“Nervous.”

Gerard sighed and I could hear him fiddling with the coffee machine. “Look, Frank, it might not even come to anything. He might just have a panic attack and call you and ask you to pick him up. There's no guarantee that he's going to do it. And if he doesn't, you can say ‘hey, that didn't work, how about we rethink?’ And then you've kind of got a foot in the door, I guess.”

“I guess.”

There was a short pause and Gerard broke the silence quietly. 

“I'm sorry about all this, Frank. You're one of the best friends I've ever had and I don't want to see you hurt. I think the best thing is for you to try and get some sleep, okay? See how he is later on.” 

“Okay. Thanks, Gerard.”

“It's no problem, Frank.” 

~

Mikey was gently shaking my shoulder. “Frankie! Frank, wake up..”

I groaned and batted his hands away lightly, burying my face in my pillow. “Go ‘way..”

“Don't you wanna hear about how my night was?”

I froze for a second or two, but shook it off quickly and patted the bed lightly. “Come lay down, I'm tired.”

“Did you not sleep too well?” Mikey asked, climbing up on top of the covers to lay next to me. 

“No, I was achy,” I mumbled, and he sighed. 

“I'm sorry, Frankie.”

“It's okay.”

Mikey smiled at me and kissed my cheek, then wriggled slightly, like an excited kid. “I did it, Frank! I didn't panic and he was really nice, he let me top and everything, so I felt in control. It was great!”

I forced myself to smile, the patch of skin where he'd kissed me burning as I nodded. “That's awesome, I'm so proud of you.”

Mikey grinned and reached out to touch my hand, but I moved it away casually. “He was really handsome, Frank, and he was a really good kisser, he like…”

My brain took me on a much needed break all of a sudden, tuning Mikey's words out as I stared at him. My fingers trembled and my chest was tight and painful in a different way to my usual dull ache. But he looked so so happy and confident. 

His smile was huge and he couldn't stop it from creeping back onto his face every time he tried to look serious. It had meant the world to him, and I was selfishly trying to stop him from doing it. 

If I said anything other than ‘that's great, Mikey,’ I would be hurting him beyond repair, ripping something away from him that he so desperately needed. 

“That's great, Mikey.”

~~~

Mikey was out again and my phone was buzzing on the bedside table. I ignored it, knowing it was probably Gerard trying to check on me. 

I'd been ignoring him for almost two weeks, and should have felt bad about it, but I was too numb and empty for guilt. I just laid there, staring at the wall, waiting for Mikey to come back and give me far too many details and show me that glow on his face that I would never be able to cause. 

I closed my eyes, staring at the inside of my eyelids for a change. 

I hadn't felt well enough to go into work for the past couple days, so I'd just lounged at home, taking baths and laying in bed and watching tv without really processing it. Mikey was out nearly every night now, which meant I wasn't getting any sleep. I couldn't sleep anymore without him next to me. 

I heard the front door click shut down the hall and Mikey called out softly. “Frank? You home?”

“Yeah.”

I heard the creaking as he came closer down the hall, and sighed to myself as he opened the bedroom door. “You okay, Frank?”

“Yeah.”

“You don't sound okay, what's going on?”

“I think I have a cold or something,” I lied as Mikey sat down on the edge of the bed, starting to rub my hip slowly. “How was it?” I forced the words out, molding them into a tone of polite interest with effort. 

“Good.”

I blinked, shifting slightly. Mikey would normally launch into a whole monologue, describing every feature of his partner for the night, while completely oblivious to how much pain he was causing me. This was better, but wrong. 

“What was he like?”

“Nice,” Mikey answered vaguely. “Do you want me to run you a bath? Make some coffee?”

“Uh...sure.”

“Alright. I'll go start the water, okay?”

~

I looked up as Mikey opened the door, smiling at me brightly. “Hey..I made you breakfast, cause you mean the world to me..do you wanna come eat?”

“Um. Sure..” I mumbled, getting up out of the tub and grabbing a towel quickly. He'd hardly noticed me for a week, and all of a sudden...this. 

“I'll go get you some clothes,” Mikey said quickly, hurrying off down the hall. I dried myself off while I waited, feeling a little sick. Something didn't seem right about Mikey's behaviour, but I couldn't quite put my finger on it. 

He slipped back in and handed me the clothes, watching disinterestedly as I got dressed. I hung the towel up to dry and followed him into the kitchen, blinking when I saw the table. There was a huge bouquet of roses in the middle, in a vase I didn't know I had. 

In front of my spot was a plate full of heart-shaped strawberry pancakes and a large mug of steaming coffee. 

Mikey pulled my chair out, smiling at me brightly. “You mean the world to me, Frankie..”

I blinked in confusion and sat down slowly, folding my hands in my lap. The nausea was growing, but the smell of the sickly breakfast was making my stomach growl as well. 

“What's all this about, Mikey?”

His smile faltered slightly as he sat down next to me. “Does it have to be about anything?”

“No, but-”

_ Don't be such a twat. He's put all this effort in to be romantic and you immediately think something is wrong! Something  _ is  _ wrong. With you! _

I forced a bright smile and bumped my shoulder against his lightly. “Thanks, Mikey. This is amazing..” 

“You're welcome,” he murmured, without looking up from his plate. I picked up my knife and fork quickly, starting to eat hungrily. 

“Mm, this is perfect, honey, thank you..”

Mikey smiled an odd smile and got up suddenly. “I think I left the stove on, I'll be right back.”

I just nodded and let him go, continuing with my breakfast alone. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you guys are still enjoying this, I haven't heard anything for a while. If you aren't interested in this anymore that's fine, I'd just rather know. I know it's taking a different turn, I'm sorry if you guys don't like it.   
> Anyway, it's another chapter I guess


	29. Chapter 29

F

“It's alive!” Gerard said sarcastically when I finally picked up the phone a few days after Mikey had made me breakfast. 

“Hey,” I mumbled dejectedly. “How're you?”

“It's alive, but it sounds dead,” Gerard commented, then sighed quietly. “What's going on?”

“I don't know.” 

“What d’you mean?”

“I don't wanna talk about it,” I said flatly. “How are you?”

Gerard hesitated, but sighed again. “I'm okay. Chris and I are um. Fighting again, but it's not so bad this time. I think it's stress cause the wedding is coming up and we still have a lot of planning to do.”

“Oh. I hope that all goes okay,” I said politely, opening the freezer to find another microwave meal. 

“Thanks, Frankie. But you sound like a dead man walking, will you please tell me what's going on?”

I poked the plastic film with a knife, then tossed the tray into the microwave and slammed the door. 

“Mikey hasn't slept at home in over a week. I can't sleep when he's not here, so I haven't slept in over a week. He's acting really weird, he stopped telling me anything about where he goes, who with, or what happens. Every time he comes home, he brings me flowers or chocolates and is really sweet and cute, but says he can't stay for dinner. It's just weird and I'm sick of it.”

Gerard was silent for a few seconds. “Frank, why don't you come spend some time with me and Chris tonight? I'm really worried about you.”

“Why? Everything's fine, according to Mikey,” I mumbled bitterly. “Apparently I mean the world to him.”

“You...don't believe that, do you?”

“I've been cheated on before,” I answered flatly. “So no, I don't.”

“I don't think he would-”

“What else is this?” I asked quietly, my voice shaking slightly as I put a hand over my eyes. “He's  _ guilty,  _ that's what the flowers and cute stuff is about.”

“Are you gonna confront him about it?” Gerard murmured softly. 

“No. I'm hoping that maybe if I try and be..me. If I try and welcome him with open arms when he comes home and kiss him and all that, then maybe he’ll realize, y'know? I mean. He's not Julia, he's much kinder. And he...he's special.”

“And so are you,” Gerard pointed out quietly. “You're special to him and you're an amazing person, Frank. I've told you before, but you're probably my best friend I've ever had, and Mikey does love you. I'm sure you guys will figure it out.”

“I hope so,” I mumbled, opening the microwave door to stir my dismal dinner. I heard the front door open and blinked. “I gotta go.”

I hung up quickly and abandoned my dinner, walking into the hall. Mikey was standing there waiting, his hands in his pockets. He wasn't smiling or holding roses, and he hadn't taken his coat or shoes off. 

“Hey, Frank. I want to talk to you.”

“Then talk,” I said quietly, folding my arms over my chest as my heart sank. He pursed his lips slightly, looking away. 

“I've. I've met someone else, Frank.”

I glared at him, shaking my head slightly. “I was really clear about how this relationship would work, Mikey, and I-”

“Frank, I'm not sure I want to continue this relationship,” Mikey interrupted firmly. “I loved you, Frank, and I think you're an amazing person. But I can't be happy with you. You've done a lot for me and my confidence, but I've fallen for someone else. I never wanted to hurt you...but I gotta do what's right for me.”

“Then do me one last favor and get the fuck out of my apartment.” 

“Frank, I-”

“No!” I shouted as loudly as I could, pointing towards the door. Mikey jumped and clenched his jaw, fear immediately blossoming in his expression. “Get. The fuck. Out!”

Mikey hesitated and I stepped forward, shoving him hard enough to send him staggering back. “Get out!” I screamed at the top of my lungs, feeling the tears burning in my eyes as my vision blurred. There was the click of the door shutting behind him and everything went silent as I buried my face in my hands. 

~

I shoved the bar door open, taking a deep breath in. I knew it was obvious I'd been crying, but I walked up to the bar anyway, sitting down quietly. The barman walked over and I smiled at him as brightly as I could manage. “Beer, please.”

“Which one?”

“Surprise me.” 

He walked off, soon coming back and setting the glass down in front of me. I chugged the entire pint while he stood there, then set the empty glass down with soft noise. “Another one, please.”

I got my wallet out and handed my card over when he raised an eyebrow, and soon had a fresh beer in front of me. I glanced around briefly before swallowing half of it in one go, then sighed and looked down at the bar, running my finger along the grain. I had felt something when Mikey had left, something akin to agony, but it was all gone already. I was back to being empty, minus the beer. 

I finished off the second pint and ordered some whisky instead, hoping to get drunker quicker. I didn't want to feel like I was myself. I wanted to forget my own fucking name. 

 

I didn't remember much after that, except the walk home. 

I was stumbling all over the place, shaking my head to try and see clearly. My legs didn't seem to want to do what they were told, and it was a miracle I was heading in any direction at all, let alone towards my apartment. 

I turned to cross the road without really looking, shambling across the yellow line just as a car gunned it round the corner, heading straight towards me. 

My drunken brain seemed to backfire and I just stood there, watching the car. It must have been doing almost fifty in a twenty five zone. I stared, the tiny part of me that was vaguely sober screaming  _ get out of the road! Fucking run!  _

Brakes squealed and I tensed up, waiting for the impact.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're coming to the end of this story now, I'm sorry it's going to be kind of a lazy ending  
> Thanks for reading anyway


	30. Chapter 30

F

The car’s front bumper was about an inch from me. The woman behind the wheel looked completely terrified. 

I locked eyes with her for a second or two, then bolted, suddenly sober enough to run as I legged it back to my apartment as fast as I could, only stopping when the front door was shut behind me. 

I stood there, my chest heaving as I stared at the floor, trying to get my painfully hard breathing under control. I dug my phone out of my pocket, dialing the number with shaking fingers. 

~

Gerard ran his fingers through his hair, watching me worriedly. He'd laid a blanket around my shoulders and put a mug of coffee in my hands, but I was still shaking. “This is why I don't trust myself when I drink,” Gerard mumbled, suddenly breaking the silence. “I do really stupid shit too.”

I sipped at the hot liquid, nodding slightly. “Y-yeah.” 

“I'm really really sorry about Mikey, Frank. I never thought he'd hurt you like that.”

I smiled to myself just a tiny bit. “No, you always thought it would be the other way around.”

“Yep.”

“I just...is there something wrong with me, Gee? Why doesn't anyone want to stick with me?”

Gerard shrugged, reaching over to tuck my hair behind my ears carefully. “Well, Julia sounds like she was a dumb bimbo, and Mikey…he's young and stupid and he wants sex, which you can't give him. Maybe you need to focus on picking better people, getting to know them really well first. Friends make the best partners, isn't that the saying or whatever? You didn't know Julia or Mikey that well before entering a romantic relationship.”

“I thought I did,” I muttered dejectedly, and Gerard nodded with a sad smile. 

“I know. Trouble is, it's hard to get to know someone who doesn't know themselves, and Mikey didn't. I don't think he does now, I think he's probably rushing into something that won't last..” 

I shrugged and looked away again. Gerard shifted to sit closer to me, wrapping an arm around my shoulders. “I'm here for you, Frank. I'm sorry you got scared tonight, and I'm sorry he hurt you. But you're not alone, you've got friends.”

“One friend,” I chuckled, and Gerard kissed my cheek lightly. 

“I  _ at least  _ count for two, c’mon,” he protested, and I grinned to myself, resting my head on his shoulder. “If you say so.” 

“I do, asshole.”

“You're so mean to me.”

“Sure.”

~~~

I pushed the last box onto the truck and turned to find Gerard standing behind me. “Frank..”

I sighed, burying my face in my hands. He'd been crying, that much was clear. He'd been helping me pack up, but had stayed inside to clean while I'd brought the last batch of boxes out. 

“I don't want you to go, Frankie.”

“I need to.”

“I kn-know, but I don't want it,” he sniffed, and I dropped my hands to my sides, looking at him sadly. 

“Hug?”

Gerard nodded quickly and rushed over, flinging his arms around me and squeezing me tightly. “I'm gonna miss you so bad.”

“I'm gonna miss you too,” I mumbled, burying my face in his hair briefly. “I'm sorry, but I can't stay here after everything.”

“I know, go do your thing somewhere else,” Gerard sighed, pressing a kiss to the side of my head. “Focus on you for a while. I know I can't convince you to stay.” 

“I'm sorry it's hurting you,” I said gently, pulling away slowly. “But I gotta go if I'm gonna get there while it’s still light out. I'm sorry..”

“No, it's fine..” Gerard forced a shaky smile, shoving his hands in his pockets. “Bye, Frankie.”

“Bye, Gee..”

~~~~

I pressed lightly on the contact I hadn't used in almost a year, tapping my feet nervously as it rang. 

“Hello?” Gerard’s voice was cheery, but I was disappointed to realize it was his professional tone, which meant that he didn't have my contact anymore. 

“Hey.”

“Jesus, is that Frank Iero? I got a new phone, I-”

“Yeah,” I chuckled softly, my shoulders dropping in relief. “Hi, Gerard. I'm sorry it's been a while.”

He giggled softly, sounding slightly giddy, but took a breath and got himself under control. “Oh man, it has been a while. How are you?”

“Well, I'm actually in a hotel in Belleville at the moment. I'm here for a business meeting and...well, I wondered if you wanted to go get some virgin cocktails, catch up a bit.”

“Sure! I don't really have much going on at the moment, I'm just packing up..”

“Nice. So are you around tonight?”

Gerard hesitated briefly. “Yeah, I'm going out for dinner soon, but after that. Maybe around eight? I could meet you at the place we used to go on fifty-sixth?”

“That sounds perfect, Gee. I'll see you then.”

“Alright. I'm way too excited about this,” he chuckled, and I smiled to myself. 

“That's okay, I am too.” 

~

Gerard was waiting for me when I arrived, and he was wearing a short-sleeved shirt, which was odd for him. I wandered over and sat down on the other side of the booth, smiling at him. He grinned and spread his hands out on the table. There were no rings on his fingers. 

“Hey. I've missed you,” he said simply, and I gently took one of his hands, turning his arms over. The scars from his wrists had almost faded. 

“I got them treated,” Gerard smiled, his hazel eyes suddenly fixed on mine, gentle and curious. “A lot can happen in a year, huh?”

I smiled and nodded, unable to look away from that warm, welcoming gaze. “I didn't get a scar.”

I said it without thinking and swallowed hard when Gerard’s eyes widened, filling with uncertainty. 

“You..?”

“Pills,” I said quietly, looking back down at his hands. The back of his right hand was still laying comfortably in my left palm, his fingers relaxed. 

“Why?”

“You know why.”

Gerard’s fingers curled, his perfectly groomed nails digging into his palm. “I want to hear you say it.” His voice was firm, but wobbled almost imperceptibly. 

“Mikey and Julia. I couldn't make the pain stop.”

Gerard’s fingers relaxed again and I drew my hand away from his, watching him fold them in his lap. 

“Frank..”

“It was eleven months ago, I'm over it,” I assured him, dragging my gaze back up to his. He nodded slightly and blinked, looking away. “I always thought Mikey would be the one to fuck up the way I did.” 

Gerard rose suddenly, grabbing his jacket. “I need a smoke.”

“Oh. Okay..”

I watched him go, something in the back of my mind poking me gently.  _ This was a bad idea.  _

I jumped up and hurried after the redhead, finding him leaning against a wall outside. He was crying, sobbing softly as he struggled to light the cigarette held tightly between his lips. 

“Hey,” I murmured, walking over and leaning my shoulder against the wall next to him. “Let me.”

I took the cigarette and the lighter, placing the horrible cancer stick between my lips. I lit it carefully, exhaling the smoke as quickly as I could before handing the cigarette back. Gerard glared at me. 

“You shouldn't do that.”

I chuckled and rolled my eyes as he took a long drag, his fingers shaking. “Whatever. You needed it. What the fuck are you crying about?”

“I d-don't even know...Jesus...Chris left me..”

“I noticed there weren't any rings.”

“Asshole, you're not supposed to notice that kind of thing.”

I chuckled and Gerard smiled brightly, the cigarette still trapped between his lips, and a tear running down his cheek. I reached over and brushed a stray lock of hair behind his ear. 

“I'm sorry. Do you want to talk about it?”

He shrugged, taking another drag so long I saw the cigarette shorten. “I guess. I've talked about it in therapy a lot..”

“Yeah, but I'm good for talking to, remember?” I joked, moving to stand in front of him so I could dry his cheeks with my hoodie sleeve. 

“I know,” Gerard murmured, batting my hand away gently. “This guy who was in his band, Ricky, started spreading rumors about me. That I was doing drugs again and cheating on Chris, and all this horrible stuff, and Chris kept hearing it from loads of different people, and so he started asking me if it was true, y'know?”

I nodded, shuffling around to lean back against the wall next to Gerard. 

“I got really offended because he wouldn't take no for an answer, he kept saying that those people wouldn't lie to him or whatever. I couldn't believe he thought that little of me, I guess. And you know how I am, I get so angry...and I said some really horrible stuff to him, and he insulted me and it just...I dunno. We couldn't fix it, God knows I tried. But the worst part was..”  He trailed off, taking another drag that finished the cigarette. 

He stomped on the butt and lit another quickly. “I tried to get him back, right? And he was on this mini tour thing, I drove four fucking hours to his hotel and I was wearing this itchy lingerie under my clothes.” Gerard glanced at me and giggled, his nose wrinkling slightly and his eyes filling with tears. “Your face! So horrified...but yeah. I drove down there, we had sex, and I told him I loved him and I didn't want it to end and he just rolled over. He ignored me until I left. He just..laid there...waiting for me to go.”

Gerard sniffed and I sighed, looking down at my feet. “You tried, Gee. That's the best you can do, hon. It's not your fault. He's an idiot not to appreciate that.”

Gerard forced a wide smile and shrugged. “That was a long time ago now, I need to get over it. I just...he took this whole life I had planned with him. The marriage, the new house, the kids. Everything. Boom, gone. Over one stupid fight.”

“Well. At least you know where you went wrong,” I pointed out quietly. Gerard grinned and shrugged, flicking the ash off the end of his cigarette. 

“True. You know where you went wrong though, too.”

“Not with the first one. With Mikey, yeah. Not with Julia.”

Gerard nodded slowly, taking a long drag. “How is the..?” He gestured to my chest vaguely and I chuckled. 

“Still in remission for now. As long as I don't light too many more cigarettes for you.” 

Gerard nodded, staring off into the distance for a few seconds, his soft hazel eyes unfocusing. “Frank, I'm thirty one. I feel old. I wanna settle down with someone.”

“I'm thirty four,” I pointed out. “And settling down is overrated.”

Gerard snorted and shook his head, wiping his cheeks quickly. “I didn't think seeing you again would be this emotional. But like...I guess it just brought all that stuff up again. I've been really lonely, y'know? I don't really have many good friends, and Mikey's...I dunno. We don't talk much anymore, so when Chris left, it's like he was all I had. And you remind me that that's not true. But you're going home soon.”

“Not that soon,” I countered softly. “I'm here for four more days. Busy, but here.”

Gerard looked over at me, smiling to himself happily, and with some degree of relief. “Come home with me, Frank?”

“Steady on, you'll be showing me that lingerie next!” I chuckled, and he rolled his eyes, shoving my chest lightly. 

“Asshole! I meant come cuddle, eat shit food, and talk about stuff. Not...that.”

“I know, I'm just teasing,” I grinned, pulling him into a light hug which he leaned into gladly. 

“Please?”

“Only if you can promise me I don't have to see Mikey.”

“Deal.” 

~

Gerard curled up on the couch, watching me as I sat down. “You're cute.”

“I know,” I grinned, and he flipped me off. 

“Where's my coffee?” 

“I was too busy being cute to make it,” I chuckled, with a fake hair flip. Gerard rolled his eyes. 

“Go get my fucking coffee and bring me a cookie. There's a box on top of the fridge, I made them yesterday.”

“Alright.”

I got up, wandering into the kitchen and pouring out a cup of coffee from the machine. I grabbed the box of cookies and carried it into the living room, dumping it on the coffee table dramatically. 

“For your majesty.” I leaned over and handed him the mug as well, and he grinned up at me. 

“Thanks, Frankie.”

“You're lucky I'm in a good mood.”

I threw myself down next to him and he shoved my shoulder gently. “You make good coffee.”

“Thanks I guess? I just put it in the filter.”

“It must be the love, care, and attention as well.”

“Or maybe I spat in it, who knows?”

“Well, I should hope  _ you _ do, Frank!”

I snorted and Gerard smiled at me warmly, something odd in his expression. “I've missed this, with you.”

I smiled back, resting a hand on his thigh lightly. “Me too, Gerard. Can I ask you a question?”

“Mhm?”

“Are you attracted to me?”

Gerard blinked and looked down at his mug. “Um. I don't have some stupid witty reply, so yeah. I guess I am, I'm just not…used to looking at you in that way. When I was with Chris...I just didn't look at guys and think about how attractive or not they were, because I only cared about Chris...but now..” Gerard tilted his head as he looked up at me, the playful glint returning to his eyes. “You are a little short for me, but I like the tattoos and all of this,” he said, waving a hand at my face vaguely. 

“Hey!”

His smile faded slightly and he looked away for a second or two. “But I want to respect how you feel as well. If you're not interested, I-”

“Believe me, I've  _ always  _ been interested on some level,” I answered quickly, leaning my head back slightly and studying his face from this new angle. “Even if it was only subconscious or whatever. I just...I'm scared.”

Gerard nodded, brushing my hair out of my eyes carefully. “I know, Frankie.” His expression was soft and caring, and I relished the warmth it made me feel. 

“What happened with Mikey?” I asked after a brief silence. Gerard blinked, shifting slightly and sipping at his coffee again. 

“Well. He's engaged. To the guy he left you for, Pete. His old best friend.”

“Oh.”

Gerard sighed and ran a hand through his hair slowly, shaking his head. “I don't think they're very well matched, but Mikey doesn't want to listen to me anymore. He's too old for advice from his brother I guess. Look, don't think about him, yeah?”

“I'm sorry,” I sighed, rubbing the bridge of my nose. “I've just been thinking about it all day..”

“I get it, Frankie. I could give you something else to think about..?”

I rolled my eyes and he grinned, suddenly pulling me into a soft kiss. I hesitated, frozen for a moment, then melted into it, sliding my hands up into his perfect hair as I kissed back. His palms stayed pressed against my cheeks, and he broke away quickly, but it left my whole body tingling, and my fingers trembling. 

“Sorry,” Gerard mumbled, looking down in acute embarrassment. “I didn't mean to-”

“No, Gerard. It was really good,” I soothed, shifting closer so I could lean against his side. “I liked it. I just...wanna be close to you first. Cuddle for a while, maybe?”

“Of course.”

Gerard wrapped an arm around me tightly, kissing my temple lightly. “You're so sweet, Frank. So cute.” 

“If you say so.”

“I do.”

“You wanna watch a movie?”

I snorted and shrugged. “That's what we always do, but sure..”

Gerard nodded and got up, wandering over to a cabinet. “I've got like every marvel movie ever made..”

“Gee, between movie nights with you and Mikey, I've  _ seen  _ every marvel movie ever made.”

He laughed and shook his head slightly, crouching down as he opened the cupboard. “If you're gonna have that attitude, then I'm picking.”

I groaned and leaned forward, opening the cookie box and grabbing one with chocolate chips. “I need sugar for this.”

Gerard grinned as he twisted to watch me. “Weirdo. How about a horror movie?”

“Sure, sounds good to me.”

“Okay, well, I have The Shining, but I could also skip the movie and just watch you eat a cookie that has lactose  _ and  _ gluten in it.”

“Fuck you, asshole.”

“That's why I didn't offer you one, dummy,” Gerard teased gently. “I've probably got something you can eat if you hold on a second..so how about this?”

He held up the box for The Shining and I nodded. 

“Classic. Let's do it. But why do you have so many fuckin’ DVDs, Gerard?”

“I like collecting them,” he whined as he got up. “Don't you start attacking me too.”

“You  _ are _ like a fucking soccer mom trapped in a hot gay hairdresser.”

“I know.”

Gerard flipped me off, but shoved the DVD in the player and tossed me the remote. “If you come over tomorrow night as well, I'll make you those brownies you like,” he announced as he walked past. “I don't have that much that's lactose and gluten free.”

“I can eat small amounts, just not a lot,” I pointed out, listening to him rummaging in the kitchen. 

“How about a banana?”

“Piss off.”

Gerard chuckled and I heard him walking back, looking up as he tossed a packet of skittles at me. I only just managed to catch it and he grinned as he sat down next to me. “That okay?”

“Thanks.”

He leaned over and took the tv remote from me, sighing loudly. “You gotta turn the tv on, Frank.”

“How am I supposed to know that?” I fake-snapped. “You've got a whole new setup here!”

“Whatever.”

He gently bumped his shoulder against mine as he turned the tv on, then grabbed a cookie from the box. “Promise I'll make you something tomorrow.”

“That's okay, Gee, you don't have to,” I said quickly, letting my hand rest on his thigh again. 

Gerard smiled at me and shrugged slightly. “I want to..” He looked back at the tv to start to movie running. “Maybe if you stay the night, I'll make you breakfast.”

“If? I thought I was,” I grinned, and Gerard glanced at me, a slight pinkness in his cheeks. 

“Only if you want to, I'm not gonna make you,” he said softly, and I rubbed my thumb over the top of his thigh lightly. 

“Of course I do, Gee.” 

He smiled to himself as he pressed play, then shifted, drawing his knees up as he slowly fell against me, the back of his head against the front of my shoulder. I chuckled and wrapped an arm around him tightly, squeezing him gently. 

Gerard responded by nuzzling my neck with a soft happy noise before settling down contentedly. After a while, his hand found mine and he laced our fingers, still staring at the tv screen. 

~

I stretched as the credits rolled, looking down at Gerard. He yawned silently, sitting up and turning the tv off. 

“I'm ready for bed.”

“Me too, I'll um...couch or spare room?”

Gerard stared at me for a second, then giggled softly. “I was hoping my bed, Frankie. A nice cuddle..”

I blinked. “Oh, okay. That sounds..great, Gee.”

He stood up, offering me his hand. “Come on.”

I took it, letting him pull me up and lead me down the hall to the stairs, turning off lights as he went. 

I stayed behind him on the stairs and followed him into the bedroom, my eyes widening as he immediately slipped his shirt off, revealing a toned back and a smooth expanse of milky, flawless skin. 

I grabbed his hips and before my brain could catch up, I was pinning him to the inside of the door, kissing him deeply, digging my fingernails into his lower back as I tried to pull him closer against me while also pressing against him. Gerard grinned as I pulled away, panting uncertainly. 

“Frankie..” 

He tugged me back in and bit my lip lightly as he curled his fingers in my hair fiercely. 

“Bed. Now..”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooo what do you guys think about this?


	31. Chapter 31

F

I woke up feeling sticky and achy. Soft, endearing snores came from behind me, and I steeled myself for a second before rolling over. 

My not-quite running brain managed to wake itself up when I saw Gerard fast asleep next to me. It shoved memories at me as if in apology for not immediately realizing what was going on, memories of Gerard kissing me, my hands on his sides, our bodies sweaty together. 

Gerard had been much more vocal than any other partner I’d had, but it had still somehow been peaceful, in an odd way. He'd stood up on his knees at one point and I'd wrapped my arms around him, marking up his neck as he’d groaned and whined and twitched. 

Despite the vivid memory popping up in my mind’s eye, I didn't feel dirty. It had been passionate and the result of years without sexual contact, as I hadn't had a partner since months before Julia left me, excluding the man when I'd been drunk, and I knew it didn't mean anything. 

I shuffled a little closer to Gerard, resting a hand on his cheek lightly. It was almost frightening, how easily we'd slipped into this, but we were both lonely and needed a familiar, welcome embrace. Although perhaps a different kind of embrace than before. 

Gerard grunted softly, nuzzling my hand sleepily. “Mmph..”

“Hey,” I murmured, my voice coming out slightly raspy. Gerard slowly opened his eyes, blinking at me lazily. 

“Good mornin’, Frankie..”

I leaned forward and pecked his lips lightly, grinning as he quickly wrapped an arm around my waist. “Cuuddles..”

“Gerard, I-..” I gently pushed him away, taking a deep breath. “I need a shower, and I don't want to cuddle naked..”

Gerard seemed to wake up a little further at that, blinking at me a few more times. “Okay. Let me shower with you. I'll be respectful, I promise. I wanna talk to you before I forget everything I wanted to say.” 

“Uh...okay.”

 

Gerard stepped into the shower next to me and I tried to look everywhere else but him. He just chuckled and shifted closer to me, stroking my cheek with one hand. “Hey. You gotta share, Frankie,” he said softly, his voice somehow incredibly reassuring. “I'm not expecting anything of you or trying anything on, I promise. Try and relax, baby. I'm not looking at anything, okay?”

I nodded slightly and he kissed my cheek lightly, lingering for a very brief moment. “If you don't like something, just tell me..”

Gerard grabbed a bottle of shower gel from the shelf, tipping some into his hand before putting it back. He grinned at me and smeared the soap over my chest, slowly starting to massage it into a lather. “Getting nice and clean,” he giggled, pecking my lips lightly as I let my hands come to rest on his hips. He started to work some of my muscles with his fingers, being careful around my lung surgery scar, and I relaxed a little more, letting him wash off my stomach as well. 

“How do you feel about last night?” Gerard asked after a short silence. I let out a soft sigh and he smiled to himself. 

“I think that it was amazing, Gerard. I think that you're stunning and great in bed, and I thoroughly enjoyed myself, but I'm not sure I want to do it again. I feel like it happened because we were both very lonely and emotional, and the fact that I haven't properly had sex in over two years didn't help...but I'm still not...attracted to you in that way. You're fairly feminine, but I just...you still..”

“Have a dick,” Gerard chuckled, shaking his head slightly before cupping my jaw in his hands. “It's okay, Frankie. I didn't really expect anything else, and I'm not even sure if I want anything else. I know that I don't want to do it as long as you feel that you don't.”

Gerard pulled me into a slow, deep kiss, this time full of love rather than passion. 

 

I went straight from my meeting later that day to Gerard’s house, knowing it was his day off from clients. I knocked on the door lightly, shifting from foot to foot briefly. Gerard flung the door open and grinned at me. His hair was a mess and he was wearing a much-stained apron over his t shirt and sweatpants outfit. 

“Hey, beautiful,” I chuckled, and he rolled his eyes. 

“Don't be a shithead, I'm making you dinner.”

I slipped inside, kicking my shoes off and hanging my coat up before turning and pulling him into a quick kiss. “It smells delicious, Gee. What is it?”

“Lasagne from scratch,” he announced proudly, gently taking my hand and walking me into the living room. “You're not allowed to go in the kitchen yet, though. Half an hour.”

“Oh, okay. I'll um. I'll go get my bag from the car and I can get changed, sound good?”

“Sure, Frankie. Whatever you want.” 

I watched him hurry off, my fingers tingling and my chest warm. It felt so natural to be kissing him and acting like an old married couple with him. He was so easygoing and gentle and funny, it was hard not to be comfortable around him, on top of the fact that I already knew him so well. I took a deep breath and slipped out of the front door. 

 

After lasagne and brownies, Gerard and I collapsed on the sofa together, watching repeats of House in comfortable silence. I shifted suddenly, groaning softly as I rested my forehead against the side of his neck. “Gee...I'm gonna fall into a food coma..”

He chuckled softly and ran his fingers through my hair slowly, not looking down. “That's okay, Frankie. I'll still be here when you wake up.”

I grinned against his skin, then pressed a quick, light kiss to his jaw. Gerard just smiled to himself, so I lifted one of his arms up and turned it over, tracing circles on his palm with one fingertip, then slowly running it down, over the faint scar. 

Gerard looked down at me, sighing quietly. “Frank, I-”

“Please don't hurt me, Gee,” I said softly, my hands shaking as I was suddenly overwhelmed by the realisation that this could all be just a fling, a one-time thing to him. Or that I could so easily lose him another way. “I can't go through it all again. I need this to be it, to be real. Please.”

Gerard paused and I looked up into his eyes nervously, my chest tightening as he smiled at me sadly. 

“I don't think I can either, Frankie. I promise not to break your heart, if you promise not to hurt me that way. I need someone, I need to settle into being an adult properly and having my own life. I want someone to do that with. I'm not going to abandon you, Frankie. Because I love you.”

I grinned as I blinked away the tears. “I love you too, Gee..”

Gerard pulled me into a slow, gentle kiss, breaking away quickly and pointing at the tv excitedly. “I like this bit!”

I rolled my eyes and brushed his hair behind his ears, smiling at him fondly. My heart ached to look at him, pained from the force of my feelings, but I couldn't tear my gaze away, he was so...perfect. 

“You're such a child.”

“I know.”

I laced my fingers in his, resting my head against his shoulder comfortably. Gerard squeezed my hand lightly, but didn't say anything, just letting us both enjoy the moment together. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the last chapter aside from an epilogue! I hope you enjoyed this, and sorry it's a little short<3  
> Happy Turkey Day to my American peeps btw


	32. Epilogue

G

Frank rolled over, his slick, sweaty back facing me. I left him to it, getting up and tugging a pair of boxers on lazily before going to the window and cracking it open. I grabbed a cigarette from the pack and lit it carefully, glancing back at my partner. 

It had been three years since we'd gone out for drinks and ended up falling in love instead, and we'd just had Thanksgiving dinner with Mikey. 

And his husband Pete. 

Frank had dragged me upstairs after all the dishes were done, throwing me down and scratching at my skin as he’d forced his way inside me. I looked down at my thigh, smiling faintly at the red marks still standing out puffy on my skin. He'd been angry, very angry, and it had suited me just fine. 

Now I knew the anger was fading and the hurt was coming out instead. Frank tended to close himself off when upset, and I’d learned to be patient with him. Given time, he'd come to me eventually. 

I took a long drag, flicking the ash into the tray when I was done and blowing the smoke out of the window. Frank sniffed and I sighed, watching him worriedly. I hated it when he was like this. Well, except for the sex. 

Frank and I had sex roughly every six weeks, usually when he was in a really bad mood or was really lonely, and sometimes just when he was so stressed he couldn't think of anything else to make him relax or sleep. 

I didn't mind the long breaks between intimacy at all, finding that I felt closer to Frank just cuddling in bed than I did when we were having sex. It worked, for us. 

I had tried to talk to him about it once, pointing out that his sexuality could be more complicated than he thought, but he had just brushed me off with a smile.  _ “It's complicated enough as it is, Gee.”  _

I'd accepted that, and left it alone, as it was no one’s business but ours in any case, and we understood one another perfectly without more labels. 

We even had promise rings now, plain silver bands with inscriptions of each other’s birth dates on the inside. I didn't fancy getting engaged again, and Frank couldn't face the idea of marriage, so we were  _ partners.  _ Just together. Happy together, for the most part. 

“Frankie baby,” I called across the room softly. “You want a kiss?”

“No.”

I took another drag, glancing at him critically. “Frank.”

“No, you're fucking smoking.”

“Let me finish this one, sweetie, and then I'll go get some mouthwash, okay? We can cuddle for a while.”

I took one last deep inhale before stubbing the cigarette out and slipping into the ensuite. 

“Will you bring me a washcloth?”

“Sure, Frankie.”

I washed my mouth out twice and grabbed a washcloth from the rack, wetting it with warm water. I wiped myself off under my boxers first, then got a new one for Frank, wandering back over to him. 

“Washcloth..”

He nodded sullenly and took it as he sat up. I didn't watch, instead turning my back on him to grab a clean pair of his boxers from the drawer. 

“Gee.”

“Mhm?”

“I'm sorry.” 

I walked back over, handing him the boxers and taking the washcloth away, tossing it straight into the washing basket. “There's nothing to be sorry for, Frankie.”

“I use you like a stress ball.”

“It doesn't bother me,” I assured him, climbing up to sit next to him and gently taking one of his hands. 

Frank signed and looked down at the sheets, heaving a long sigh. “I'm sorry I got so upset about dinner and-”

“No, baby. You deserve to be upset, Pete was being catty and rude, and Mikey should have defended you, just like you said,” I murmured, stroking his hair out of his face and pulling him into a tight hug. “It's okay. Why don't we get some rest? Everything will look better in the morning.”

“If you say so.”

“I do, sweetie,” I soothed, kissing his cheek and letting myself linger slightly. “Come on. Think about a new house, where d’you wanna look? We could move out of the city, live in a smaller town. Nice and peaceful..”

“A big backyard for our kids to play in,” Frank suggested with a tiny smile as he started to relax into me. 

“We've gotta get some kids first,” I chuckled, shifting to lay down and gently pulling him with me. “We need to talk about it more. Maybe not at midnight, though,” I sighed, glancing over at the clock.

Frank smiled, curling up against me and resting his head on my chest as I started to play with his hair the way he liked. “Yeah, you're probably right. I love you, y'know.”

“I love you too, asshole. Get some sleep, really.”

“I am..”

“Good.” 

I looked down, pressing my thumb against the tattoo on his wrist. He shifted and let out a soft noise, a sort of sigh and grunt in one. He'd gotten the tattoo for me, a tiny little pina colada with a pair of scissors open over the rim of the glass instead of a paper umbrella. I loved it and had cried when he'd gotten it for our two-year anniversary. 

Frank kissed my cheek softly, slipping off my chest. “I'm gonna try and sleep, can you turn the light off, baby?”

I nodded, leaning over and slapping the switch down. Frank sighed and I rolled over, my back facing him as he immediately took the cue and laid his arm over my waist, holding me as I closed my eyes contentedly. 

~~~

I woke up to Frank's gentle touch, his hands running all over my back and sides. “Baby. Gee baby, wake up,” he purred, pressing a soft kiss to the back of my neck. I grunted quietly and he kissed my shoulder. 

“I love you.”

“Love you too,” I mumbled sleepily, rolling over slowly to face him. Frank grinned at me and pecked my lips lightly, lingering just a little before pulling away. “You're so cute. But it's the first day of December, beautiful, and this year I'm gonna give you a present every day before Christmas.”

I blinked and shook my head slightly. “Frankie, can we afford-”

“Yes, we can,” he soothed quickly, rolling his eyes at me. “I didn't say every day was gonna be like a whole new tv. This isn't the Ellen show, baby.”

I giggled and kissed him again, slower this time. Frank pulled away first, his hand trailing down to my hip. “But, this first one is pretty big. You wanna unwrap it?”

“Um. Sure?” I mumbled, smiling at him worriedly. Frank was a very generous and giving person, but this seemed a little over the top, even for him. And I had nothing to offer in return. 

He leaned over, pulling a small envelope out of the bedside table drawer. I took it from him, turning it over in my hands. “It's red. Very Christmassy.”

“Just open it,” Frank groaned, running his hand up and down my thigh slowly. “Please, Gee. You always draw this out and it drives me nuts.”

I grinned and opened the envelope easily, pulling out a sheet of paper and blinking at it.

“Frankie, I don't-”

“It's a holiday,” he murmured, squeezing my hip lightly. “In Norway, because I know you always wanted to go, but um.” He grinned nervously, brushing my hair back from my face. “It's like a romantic holiday. We get to stay in this really really nice hotel and um. Yeah. There's shopping and food and all kinds of nice stuff.”

“I..”

“I thought it might be nicer than having to do another Christmas with your brother in law,” Frank giggled softly, unable to stop talking. “We can be together, just us. We'll have room service and a fancy tub, a heated pool, everything. What d’you think?”

I stared at Frank for a few seconds, then laughed and pulled him into a tight hug. “It's perfect, Frankie. Of course it's perfect! When do we leave?”

“On the twentieth, we get back on the thirtieth.”

“Oh jeez, I need to cancel some appointments. Fuck...oh, it's gonna be perfect!”

Frank gently wriggled out of my grip, his cheeks dusted with pink and his eyes anxious. “Um. I thought maybe...look, Gee. When I...when I don't want to have sex and...when I don't want to touch you or I want to sleep separately and all that..” He heaved a huge sigh, not looking at me anymore. “I know it hurts you. I know you get upset and you cry, and I'm sorry I'm not there. Look, relationships are all about compromise, right?”

“Maybe, Frankie, but I'm happy, baby, really. I love you just the way you are,” I murmured, kissing his forehead softly. He still wouldn't meet my gaze. 

“I know you love me, Gee. But I'm...I love you more than anything else. I love you more than I've ever loved anyone else, and I want to make you as happy as possible. I'm willing to...experiment a bit on this trip. To try some new things and see if we can figure out what puts me in the mood, y'know? So we can do it more often.”

“Frankie, baby, I don't want-”

“Gee, I love you,” Frank said firmly, looking up into my eyes at last. “I have my boundaries, but I also want to give you everything. So we can maybe try and test those boundaries a bit, right?”

I sighed and kissed his cheek before hugging him again. “If that's what you want, Frankie. Just promise we won't try anything that will make you scared or hurt you. I don't want to push too hard.”

“Promise. We’ll work together on this one,” Frank murmured, nuzzling my jaw happily. “We work together on everything else.”

“True,” I chuckled, squeezing him tight. “This is too much, Frankie baby, I haven't even got anything to give you..”

“You've got yourself, Gee. That's enough for me,” Frank purred and I laughed. 

“So cheesy.”

“But so true.”

“If you say so.”

“I do say so, asshole.”

I snorted and buried my face in Frank’s neck, holding him as tightly as I could. 

_ How’d I get so lucky?  _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you guys like this last little bit! Thanks so much for supporting this story and reading it! <3 <3   
> It may be a little bit of a break between now and my next story, but do keep an eye out, I'm just working through some writer's block atm.   
> Let me know if you have any suggestions or requests for me, I'm always open to new ideas! <3   
> And let me know if you liked this ending too :)


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